freaking out

[the silent bird]

today i cried...so much, i skipped school again...and cried... all day long because i just dont know what to do anymore... i feel lost ... sad...angry...miss understood i just in so many way So wrong.

i think this time its really bad... i never felt that way and believe me i've had my times... what should i do? kill myself i taught about it but its not me i wont put my family trought that ...

i tried to go see a doctor today i dont know maybe he would know what to do ... my mom is sick very sick... its hard to see her like that... we dont really talk cuz we dont have anything to say to each other anymore... i help her if she needs me to... i say i i love you... she dont say it back... i guess i'm not the perfect musulman litle girl that she wanted me to be... she dont understand me ... nobody does... i have amazing friends... but i still feel so lonely... so fuckin lonely i'm hurting ... and i struggle everyday to keep it together but it feels like i cant anymore what do i do i try to smile cuz everyone expect me to... see i'm suppose to be the positive one... the funny one... the strong one...the good one... ther one with good grades well thats what they say but i'm nothing like that i'm just tired to be something i'm not ... i'm failing in everything... i'am failing at school... my relationship with my family... I'm failing at being myself....i'm a failure i always been ... all i want be is set free...i want freedom ... but i feel so much pain ... it all came back soo fast....sometimes i do feel free but its only because i did something bad or destructive i dont know how to explain it feel so good at the time but after guilt comes up and eats me alive ....so what do i do tell me someone i tried everything ... i did saw a psychologist worked for a while but didnt last... i tried to be honest about my past but didnt work out either soo tell me

i've almost been raped yahh i spare the details ... i just feel emptyness i taught u know u feel so much pain for so many years than after u just stop feeling anything and heyy the storm came in force and iam breaking down ...every part of me right now is hurting and i just wants it to stop but i just dont know what to do anymore i just dont