What do i do? i cant stop hurting. The person i loved left
Posted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 9:20 am
I turned 18 and met a guy. He had lived in melbourne all his life, except all of his family moved to queensland. he lived in qld for 1 year but had to come back to melbourne for a short period of time, this is when he met me.... he always said he had to move back one day, but i never thought we would end up being so close. He ended up telling me he loved me, and we ended up practically living together because we saw each other so much.
We were together for 2 years and he left. He gave me a weeks notice because i had exams and he didnt want to upset me. He just packed up and left me. After telling me he loved me, and that we would be married one day, he just left me.
I remember dreading the day he would leave me, and how i would probably throw up out of shock and crying, and i cried alot wen he left, but wen i drove away i felt numb. i had no emotion what so ever.
Everyone in his family tell me that if i love him i will just move. that i will 'follow the breadmaker', and that he will be able to provide for me. But im in uni trying to persue a career. No body cares that im an only child living with my mum here in melbourne. the thing that scares me is that she had cancer and im so worried if i leave her that she will get sick again. Its only me and her here, all she does is work to provide for us, how can i leave her after she has struggled for so long?
He has a huge family in queensland, i know he is so happy there. He says he moved for work, he is a few years older and much more settled in life, but i am dying here. some days i feel fine, but other days i wake up with a knife in my chest. I dont understand why if someone tells you they love you, that they can just leave you. Ive never felt anything so sickening in my life. For those two years i dreaded the day he would leave me, trying to plead with him to try to start his life here... the worst part was he easily could, but he chose not to.
So does this mean i am not worth anything? I feel like the most worthless person in all the earth. I have a great career ahead of me, i get to model as my job and have a pretty good income, but its all worthless. i look in the mirror and all i see is a worthless person. i feel ugly. If he doesnt love me, what am i?
Ive shown him who i am, and thats not good enough obviously...
I cry all the time and he doesnt handle it well, most of the time he just gets angry at me, but he doesnt understand how much i hurt. i think that sometimes if i was dead maybe he would understand just how much pain im in. I feel like killing myself sometimes just because it could prove to everyone exactly wat i feel, sometimes i feel dead. I used to take sleeping pills, just so i could numb myself. We have had the worst unbelievable fights, especially when he would drink, he would get really narky and at least that sort of stopped happening before he left. I just cant believe how much i have gone through in the last 2 years, and what a negative person i have become.
So now we still speak all the time, it has been about 6 months since he left and im only now just building up the courage to visit him there, and he has been here a few times. I was supposed to go up after he left but i couldnt handle it, so i never went. I dont know what im doing. his family tell me i need to make a decision and if i love him move... its not that simple and i never wanted to be in charge of making any decision. He is older and i always told them that i couldnt move, i wouldnt be able to handle being there, i dont like it there at all. but he lived here all his life. I cant leave my mum by herself, and i dont want to live in qld its not my life.
i feel worthless and him and his family expect so much from me i cant handle the pressure. They expect it from me because i am a girl, and he is the man. that is the way they think about it, and that they want him there and thats the end of that. Sometimes hope that it all ends and i sleep forever.
What i now know about life is that the only person u can try depend on is yourself, and most of the time not even that works. I used to have a high oppinion of myself, and now i feel like i am not appreciated one bit.
We were together for 2 years and he left. He gave me a weeks notice because i had exams and he didnt want to upset me. He just packed up and left me. After telling me he loved me, and that we would be married one day, he just left me.
I remember dreading the day he would leave me, and how i would probably throw up out of shock and crying, and i cried alot wen he left, but wen i drove away i felt numb. i had no emotion what so ever.
Everyone in his family tell me that if i love him i will just move. that i will 'follow the breadmaker', and that he will be able to provide for me. But im in uni trying to persue a career. No body cares that im an only child living with my mum here in melbourne. the thing that scares me is that she had cancer and im so worried if i leave her that she will get sick again. Its only me and her here, all she does is work to provide for us, how can i leave her after she has struggled for so long?
He has a huge family in queensland, i know he is so happy there. He says he moved for work, he is a few years older and much more settled in life, but i am dying here. some days i feel fine, but other days i wake up with a knife in my chest. I dont understand why if someone tells you they love you, that they can just leave you. Ive never felt anything so sickening in my life. For those two years i dreaded the day he would leave me, trying to plead with him to try to start his life here... the worst part was he easily could, but he chose not to.
So does this mean i am not worth anything? I feel like the most worthless person in all the earth. I have a great career ahead of me, i get to model as my job and have a pretty good income, but its all worthless. i look in the mirror and all i see is a worthless person. i feel ugly. If he doesnt love me, what am i?
Ive shown him who i am, and thats not good enough obviously...
I cry all the time and he doesnt handle it well, most of the time he just gets angry at me, but he doesnt understand how much i hurt. i think that sometimes if i was dead maybe he would understand just how much pain im in. I feel like killing myself sometimes just because it could prove to everyone exactly wat i feel, sometimes i feel dead. I used to take sleeping pills, just so i could numb myself. We have had the worst unbelievable fights, especially when he would drink, he would get really narky and at least that sort of stopped happening before he left. I just cant believe how much i have gone through in the last 2 years, and what a negative person i have become.
So now we still speak all the time, it has been about 6 months since he left and im only now just building up the courage to visit him there, and he has been here a few times. I was supposed to go up after he left but i couldnt handle it, so i never went. I dont know what im doing. his family tell me i need to make a decision and if i love him move... its not that simple and i never wanted to be in charge of making any decision. He is older and i always told them that i couldnt move, i wouldnt be able to handle being there, i dont like it there at all. but he lived here all his life. I cant leave my mum by herself, and i dont want to live in qld its not my life.
i feel worthless and him and his family expect so much from me i cant handle the pressure. They expect it from me because i am a girl, and he is the man. that is the way they think about it, and that they want him there and thats the end of that. Sometimes hope that it all ends and i sleep forever.
What i now know about life is that the only person u can try depend on is yourself, and most of the time not even that works. I used to have a high oppinion of myself, and now i feel like i am not appreciated one bit.
