Depression Understood Forums

Just because I do not cry does not mean I am not sad. In fact I envy those who can cry because they can also smile afterwards. My issue is that I cannot cry even though I desperately want to. I havent cried in over 4 years even though the past 4 years of my life have been filled with death and failure and loss and grief. Everything simply builds up and never comes out. I havent shown much of any emotions since I was a kid. My dreams are always of terrible misfortunes and they end in either suicide or lucidity. When I go into lucid dreaming I can cry and it feels incredibly relieving until i actually wake up. I literally fantasize about crying whenever given the rare opportunity to lucid dream. My eyes will water when i cut onions or get something in them; it is my brain that is unable to cry, not my eyes. Ive tried drinking myself to tears and I will always pass out before I cry even if I concentrate solely on my sorrow and its roots. Ive tried meditation and psychedelics, both only resulted in more of a negative self perception. The only thing that has been of any help is lucid dreaming, which only gives me brief alleviation of the stress just during a fantasy. What I would like to know is if there is any way to help myself get the relief i dream of without having to cut my skin or swallow any pills. I doubt I am the first with this problem and figured this would be a good place to look for answers before consulting a professional.