Struggling in College.

[whoelsethinkstoomuch]

So, I read on a blog the other day that when you find yourself lost and deep in frustration, repeatedly asking yourself “why?” answering each time could be a potentially helpful exercise. So I guess I’ll try it out tonight because my outlook on life has certainly become victim to my seemingly perpetual frustrations. I’ve tried introspection many, MANY time before. Matter of fact, lately I cant escape introspection. So far it hasn’t been ultimately useless though; ive gotten some insight into how intricately and thoroughly psychotic I really am deep down (and how everyone around me can’t be too far off). Life just has a way of invading any comfort you’ve worked to establish, and wrecking it. Over the past few years, I’ve lost a great deal of motivation, am running low on hope, and even lower on religion.

Why: Everything seems mundane, relentless, and ultimately empty.

Why: Life has pained me for seemingly no reason. My whole life I have strove to be a good person in every way possible. I’ve stayed out of trouble, respected women, achieved academically, behaved kindly with others, applied humility, helped others via volunteering and stuff, etc. Then all of a sudden, midway through college, spiritual pains appeared and wreaked havoc and confusion on my soul (mood swings, hypomania, depression and associated crap).

Why: Your guess is as good as mine. I hear that life is unfair; that’s just the way it is; deal with it. And initially, when my confidence was high and my spirits were strong, I tried dealing with it in false hopes of defeating the depressions and moving on to the next hurdle. I attempted burying the senseless sorrows that had begun to plague me with a plethora of things. When I felt like doing the exact opposite, I forced myself to be around others putting on the appearance of happiness while with them. I tried to expand who I was a person by exploring new creative activities like spoken word and stage performance. I started running distance like hell, mini-marathon after mini-marathon…I tried religion, Jesus Christ in particular.

I find it hard to say how that period of devotion left much to be desired because there’s always a chance that I’d be offending the Almighty. The issue I have with religion or any faith in particular is the guarantee of salvation or a better life that hinges on complete or total commitment for an undisclosed length of time (all of your remaining life to be exact). I know I know, what’s the point in partially believing in anything? Im just saying I really tried, and after a while, it really just felt like forcing an optimistic outlook on life in the name of an elusive divine character. I agree that practical truth and wisdom colors the majority of pages in religious texts, yet, much of the direction is idealistic to the point of self-denial. I can only criticize religion to a point because I do, in fact, believe in God and single truth. It is not his existence or nonexistence that puzzles me. It is his actual manifestation on earth that fuels my uncertainty. Im not saying I could do much better but this creation of his has a lot of problems that should spur anyone/everyone to think twice about the character of God. Frankly, I am mad at God right now, because somehow I have grown to hate the life he has given to me. I continue on not for myself, but pretty much out of a fear to die and from the awareness of others watching my life and expecting success out of it. I am tired I tell you, terribly tired.

Why: Because I lack what gives me joy, and am consumed by things that have worn down the tiny precious bits of humanity I had left. It utterly sickens me that my position in life prohibits me from complaint or dissatisfaction. I am a young, intelligent black male in school in an era where the statistics don’t really favor the (academic) success of my demographic. It is simply unbelievable that I’d be depressed in the position I am in. How could I be? I must be ungrateful, selfish, lazy, or dumb on a whole new level. No, the truth is I have always wanted what I lacked, a meaningful and rich social life. To be honest, I despise my intelligence because a large part of my social development was sacrificed for it. Now older, I’m a loner. And it is no secret that the essence of life lies in interaction, influence, inspiration, etc. Effective and meaningful communication or soul-deepening exchange is a MASSIVE part of what makes this life worth living. Through years of solitary study in combination with a natural inclination towards introversion, my intelligence has grown mute; I have developed into someone who has a lot on/in his mind, but very little to say. Give me an exam, and I’ll pass it sweatlessly. Afterward, look at my face, notice my monotone demeanor if you can peer past my contented facial front, and ask me how I did or how I feel? I’ll surely answer nonchalantly and unenthusiastically “eh, it’s just another test,” with the utter disdain of my scantron successes hidden well by a somewhat cool post-test carelessness. I don’t mind excelling academically. I don’t wish that was stupid. I do however wish that I knew how to be more naturally or casually expressive as a person. I wish that I knew how to turn off my perfectionist and analytical tendencies. I wish I didn’t have to try so hard to just relax and hang out. Among other people, it’s like this illusory visceral discomfort (i.e. anxiety) overwhelms me and fighting it renders me socially constipated and considerably awkward. It’s THE worst. Who cares about smarts when life can’t be enjoyed, only learned? It’s so frustrating.

And now, one of the only aspects of my being worth any practical value (my ability to manage information) is being jeopardized by the emotional turmoil I’ve found myself in. Its been a total shutdown lately. Getting up in the morning is the hardest part. It’s like waking up to another day of endless internal distress. Some days I don’t get up. I just sleep and sleep…and sleep to escape the forced exertion of the gigantic amount of energy it takes to maintain this life I hate. I don’t know who I can actually talk to because shrinks just don’t know and can’t truly understand, while family will surely worry and start to view me differently.
I’ve never been one to complain, but was always one to give whatever I had to help. I still give what I can, but I find that my capacity for charity or goodwill is being diminished by the struggle it takes to even get up and survive the day, which gets me even more down. I’m gradually becoming alone, listless, and useless. I hate it, but im exhausted with trying to find ways to escape or overcome it.

[Ste]

If you would like to talk to me anytime dude, I know how it feels to feel like you shouldn;t be depressed.
Don't feel alone, you're in the right place.

[stillwaters]

I believe too much introspection can be a bad thing but I know it is next to impossible to stop doing for some people including myself.

My whole life I have strove to be a good person in every way possible. I’ve stayed out of trouble, respected women, achieved academically, behaved kindly with others, applied humility, helped others via volunteering and stuff, etc.

I think this statement was written by a good person.

I dont know if life is fair or not. I used to believe that things happen for a reason but wonder what I did to deserve being blessed with depression. I dont know if Moses, John the Baptist, Jesus Christ or any of the many prophets that spent 40 days and nights in the wilderness would say life is fair.

It is not his existence or nonexistence that puzzles me. It is his actual manifestation on earth that fuels my uncertainty. Im not saying I could do much better but this creation of his has a lot of problems that should spur anyone/everyone to think twice about the character of God.

One of the greatest gifts God gave you was the ability to think twice about everything including the character of God.

whoelsethinkstoomuch, I have experienced most of the depressive issues you have and know how difficult just getting out of bed can be. Pretending to be happy so as not to upset others, feeling hopeless, helpless, useless, afraid, weak. Constantly asking why me? How do I get out of here? Where is the cure?

I know this sounds strange but when I advised my nurse/therapist that the only good thing to come out of my depression was a new appreciation for the sufferings of others and an ability to empathise and sympathise for people whom in the past I would simply consider, odd, wierd, nuts or crazy, it was proposed that this was a "gift" to me from God, nature, the supreme being or whatever term you like to place here. I thought I was a good person. I am suffering as well, but I think I am becoming a better person with an illness.

Hold onto your faith. Depression can cloud your judgement and overall view on life. As I mentioned in responce to your other post, if you have not sought the help of your Dr. or other health professional, please do so right away. Even when things seem their bleakest, there is hope.

[Ste]

I agree with the above.

I believe that depression though a terrible thing, can actally display the good nature in you.

Somebody once told me that bad people don't get depression because they don't care about others or themselves. Good people like yourself and everyone here feel it and if anything, it shows you are good and not only that, the good don't ever give up.

Keep your head high and find something that you've always wanted to do and achieve it it's always good to have a goal that isn't pressure.

[missvelia]

I've also lost myself puzzling over how unfair life is and how it all seems so unfair...but I don't think life was made to be particularly happy. Job said, "Man born of woman is of few days and full of trouble." But remember that many of the things that seem to matter so much really don't matter at all. This life is just a "test". It's not the "real thing". Everything here is a generic version of what it is in the afterlife. But you can't lose hope. You have to keep hoping one the test will be over and things will be perfect. The Bible says, "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

In other words, God is putting you through this because he believes that you (with his help) are strong enough to stand through it. So never give up. Please don't give up on God. I know what you mean...I've felt the same way before. When that happens, though, I don't get angry as much as I just start forgetting and then the anger comes on its own. But the key is not to give up on God. I wish I could be like Job. Job never gave up on God....

Anyway, just remember that there is always hope. Things are not as unchangeable as you think. Your luck could turn in a second. What really matters is where you stand at the end. Try to figure out what it is God wants you to do...what his purpose is and maybe that will fill the emptiness. And remember, God still works miracles. He does. I hope this helps.

[myhauger]

Please don't lose faith and hope in God. He loves you and will bring you through this. He doesn't want you to stress over it. I know it's easier said than done, believe me. There's a reason for everything and we may not always understand it. Someone once told me that every experience makes us who we are. God will get you through this. Take it from somebody who knows from experience. He had brought me through so much. There were things I thought I could never through, but I did and I know that without God, I would've never made it through. He may be preparing you for something in which someone may need you to help them. He has a plan for everyone. Look to Him and never stop believing. You are a great person.

[sararose]

I contemplated starting my own post until I spotted yours. You've basically summed up exactly where I'm at in my life. I, too, struggle to find the motivation to get up in the morning. I spend many days just sitting for many, many hours at a time on my couch or in my bed just avoiding reality and my every day obligations. I'd love to talk to you if you're looking for someone that is going through something similar or if you just need someone to listen to you when you're feeling low. I think that we can both get through this. I'd love to figure out how.

[jessiela]

Firstly, you are one of the most eloquent writers I have ever had the plesaure of reading a piece by- yes, your post. It reads like a diary entry that belongs in a college-level literature class. That, right there, is one reason that you have value. Not very many people can write like that- ESPECIALLY in undergrad. Impressive, really.

Secondly, you sound so much like my boyfriend. He went through the same religious exploration that you did. When he went through what you are going through, he threw himself into religion, sports, the air force, a fraternity- anything he could find to distract himself from how he was feeling- and no, that did not help him escape it, either. He ultimately coined his hypomanic and depressive states as, "the thinking man's disease" and part of that is his way of describing the level of introspection you are going through- analyzing life and yourself in a way that only makes the depression and hypomania spin more and more out of control.

Don't ever feel alone here! There are so many people who can understand what you are going through and how you are feeling. We can all get through this together by supporting each other. Keep taking it one day at a time.

[to100]

I feel a lot like you do these days. I really like the idea behind that 'why' exercise... I am going to try it myself tonight...