my life (triggering)

[monochrome]

(sorry if my english isn't its best)

I've debating about talking to someone about my life and the many issues I've had to deal with, but it's become too much to hold in. I just need to vent.

I guess I'll start from the beginning. As a child my life was simple, as any child's life is. But once I entered middle school, everything seemed to change. I moved from Egypt to the US, and I was constantly bullied for my heritage and background, constantly called things like "n*gger, terrorist, cat-worshiper" and other demeaning names. The bullying later became violent, as two girls attacked me on my way home, stripping off my clothes and beating me with sticks. I never opened up to my parents about the experience. I just wanted to forget

Once I entered High School, the bullying ceased in school. In fact, lots of guys would tell me I'm beautiful, and I even made friends. But at home my parents became very critical of me. They'd call me "dumb" and "worthless" if I got anything less than a B in my grades. It really ruined my self-esteem and I started to believe these things. Sometimes I don't think they love me. I just wanted to feel like there was someone out there that appreciated me. There was this guy in my Chemistry class that coerced me into sleeping with him, telling me sweet things, like "you're beautiful" and "you're amazing". Even though I know it was all lies, that he just wanted to sleep with me, it still made me feel good. It boosted my confidence somehow. And I began sleeping with him again, and it soon turned into other classmates and seniors. I know that makes me a whore or a slut, I guess...

When I entered my junior year, I had my first boyfriend, and I was the happiest girl in the world. I was seriously in love with him, and he never judged me for the things I did. Our first time together was magical. It felt real and true. Our first time turned into our last time when I became pregnant. I was scared, and I couldn't even face my parents. I soon became really depressed and stressed out, and this lead to my miscarriage. When my parents found out, they were furious with me, even my younger sister turned her back on me. But then again, who would feel sorry for a slut...

He broke up with me, of course. It's my fault our child died and I'm going to have to live with the fact that that's what drove him away. I went back to my old ways of sleeping around until graduation. I later had a few other boyfriends in college, all who either cheated on me, dumped me, or abused me.

I'm 22 now, and I've left my last boyfriend. He was an alcoholic, and when he'd get drunk he'd become aggressive and violent, throwing me around, telling me i'm nothing without him. I'd fight back, but it was useless. He was stronger than me, and I was scared of him. One night, we went out together with three of his friends. They all got wasted and started touching me inappropriately. I got fed up and left the bar, but they followed me, pushing me into an alleyway and pulling at my clothes. My boyfriend, the person that's suppose to love and protect me, was hurting me. Along with his friends. They stripped me of my clothing and raped me, then left me there alone. My friends blame me for what happened that night, and they feel no sympathy. Only one friend cared, and he was out of town at the time. He couldn't be there for me when I needed him the most.

A few months later, I decided to move. I feel a bit happier in the new home, but my happiness was ruined when I get news that my said friend died in a fatal car crash. I was devastated, and my depression returned.

I think I just have the worst luck. Nothing can go right. I'm so tired and I just want to end it all. I can't be happy anymore. Besides, who's gonna miss the slut, right? That's all I'll ever leave behind.

[balcony]

Hi (((monochrome))) I hope you are receiving some therapy/counseling. There is so much sadness in your story and destructive notions about yourself. Making mistakes in young life or errors in judgment does not make you the word you describe yourself. That word is so filled with self loathing that moving forward would be difficult. It sounds as if you were someone who suffered and went through some very difficult times as a child.
I think counseling might help you see a clearer picture. A miscarriage is tragic but certainly should not be blamed on stress and depression. Twently percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, and they are not the fault of the mother.

You sound like a strong person who has endured much pain. I hope you find some solace here, a strong hug.

[monochrome]

I've had a bit of counseling, and it doesn't help. Nothing seems to work. And the fact that I'm alone in this situation just makes it worse. I've just given up...

[balcony]

monchrome, you are not alone here. Counseling is a positive step and I hope you will consider it again. ((((((((monochrome))))))))

[mr_black]

Having sexual relations does not make you a slut or a whore. The people who bullied and called you name are just small minded rednecks.

You've had some bad luck with guys so far but there is someone out there for you. Don't give up on yourself.

[missvelia]

Don't give up on yourself. You sound like a very strong person. Yeah, you might've made some mistakes in the past, but part of it is to blame on the people around you. Everyone is breakable. A lot of people would've caved and had to resort to something if they were under the circumstances you were. That's a scary feels, especially when you are young. But you do deserve to be loved, really loved. You're not any different from anyone, just your circumstances. The difference can be whether you will forgive yourself and give yourself a chance now. Life isn't about the past. It's about the future. I am very sorry about your friend. That is devastating. ...try to remember the good things you did have with him before all this craziness happened.

[myhauger]

Hi,
I know how you feel and I do truly feel your pain. I often heard crude remarks and insults and believed them. I've probably heard just about everything you could think of. My parents weren't very supportive of me and even they criticized me. I lost my best and only true friend this year when he fell through a barn floor. Please don't ever think your alone. We are all together in this and the best we can do is be supportive of one another.