Depression Understood Forums

Hello.
My name is Wayne and I'm from the north east of England.
Im 34, and have always been a quiet sensitive man, with not many friends (typical cancer). Anyways, Ive suffered low mood and depression from my early teens, and have found it very hard to deal with life in general over the years. Ive always preferred to keep myself to myself, and not really bother people. I suffered bullying at a early age, and think this goes someways to add to my life.
Im currently in a very bad place, due to recent events, and want to share my story with you guys.I had therapy at the beginning of last year, which helped me deal a little with my past, and help me to start thinking I wasnt a useless waste of space.
My mum died last year, after a short illness at 58, and I thought I had dealt with it. I held her hand when she past, and thought this helped my grieving process. I got back in touch with a girl I used to go to school with in January. I always had a huge crush on her, but never said anything. We started seeing each other, and fell in very deep, very fast. I always knew she was my One True Love, even back then. We talked about staying together forever, and marriage, how much we loved each other. Everything between us was perfect, even the sound of each others names used to send chills through us, so you can imagine how good it was. Ive always been useless, and slightly afraid of woman, so to have this beautiful woman love me, felt like all my dreams and hopes were finally coming true. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I was prepared to sacrifice anything, to have this girl and her kids in my life.
Two weeks ago she ended it by text, telling me she was seeing someone else.
Its felt like my whole world has come crashing down, and I really dont know what to do. I walked out of work after it had happened, and Im currently off sick. Im suffering terribly and Im crying even as I write this.
She said I was too nice for someone like her, and that was one of the reasons she moved on.
Even though Ive faced upto the fact she doesnt want me anymore, Ill always love her, like I have since I was 11 years old.
Ive come close to ending it to be with my mum a couple of times, but dont really have the courage.

Its true what they say, nice guys finish last.

I just want to be loved.

Thanks for listening.

Hi again Wayne. I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. One thing I've learned about grieving is that it's a process. Some days are easier than others.

I'm sorry things didn't work out between you and the girl. Sometimes people feel they dont deserve someone because of something inside of them, and not the person. It still doesn't make it easier I know. Especially since she has someone else. I am sorry you are going through that but you can talk to us about it any time.

Another thing is it takes more courage to hold on to life sometimes then it does to let go. You're still trying. You came here, you did the right thing. You are opening up, also right. This was and is a very courageous step you are taking. You should be proud of yourself.

Nice guys don't always have to finish last but you can still find someone even when you least expect it, and I know, I'm sorry that sounds like a standard reply, but I honestly believe thats true.

Keep talking to us here.
hollyann

Thanks hollyann (again ). Ive had a rough few days, Im suffering memory lapses. Im doing thinks I cant remember doing ( so Im being told ). And last Wednesday, I found myself balled up on the kitchen floor, crying my heart out with a knife in my hand. I really cant remember how I got there.

Man don't give in to it.
I live in New Zealand now but lived most of my life in the midlands.
Came here 10 years ago with my beautiful wife and one year old daughter.
We had a further two children and were doing well
Three years ago she left me for another man and i was devastated.
I see my children every 2nd weekend and am still grieving for the loss.
Earlier this year I overdosed on my meds and spent three days in hospital, looking back now I think it was a watershed for me. I am still depressed but I try to take it one day at a time but it is still tough.
Remind yourself that it is what it is and that it will get better. Take care of yourself, find someone to talk to, use your GP but most of all don't give in.
Good luck man

Hi Waynec,

We sound like extremely similar people. I'm 22 and have loved the same girl for nearly a decade, have tried connecting with other people, it's hard, especially when there's always someone in the back of your mind. I've suffered from depression and developed anger problems since my early teens.

What I have come to realise though is that as we develop we wire ourselves to those we love in our minds.. if you force yourself to get out there and try loving someone else, that love feels like something completely different, something new and with that, a new you can come through too.

Obviously you will never forget this girl, there's no changing that. However, you can change how you feel when you think of her.

I still think of my 'One' every day, I still hope and if we ever find each other again I know i'll be whole ( But I also now know someone else can take me there.. in a different way) .. but I know nothing will ever happen unless I go and live my life instead of just waiting around.

It's a win win or a lose lose situation and the decision is yours to make - you can force yourself to move on and find someone else, becoming a stronger man as you go and be happy, content and whole without her..and less of a "nice" guy (and with that maybe one day you will have a chance with her again, whether or not you'll want it by then is another thing) .... Or... you can stay in this rut.. spend your life watching & waiting and nothing will ever happen.

Do whatever you have to do to get some sort of closure with this thing, consider more.. and continuous therapy to help you along the way.

Win win.. lose lose, it's your decision, happiness is a decision. With some support from those around you and with you learning to be a lot kinder to yourself in both your thoughts and actions happiness will then become your habit, you WILL get there. It's never too late, ever. Life is a gift, you get what you give.

Thanks for your kind words S-Coff. I understand what you are saying, and think we are very similar also. The reason I waited, as I knew it was only this girl that my heart and world wanted. Some people are just meant to be. I know that to be true, even if its not returned. Im certainly not gonna wait for her or any such thing, but, Im not gonna love again as thats not being true to my heart. Ive tried changing, god knows ive tried, over the years, but I just cant be who Im not. Ill always be too sensitive, Ill always put other people first. Ive been through therapy to try and change this, but its my nature. I guess, I just gotta give it time, and see if it really does heal.

Wayne,

I am sorry to hear your story. No one should suffer that way. I hope that you are seek a medical professional and that they help you find relief.

SPL