Rough Week...need a serious vent!

[DianaBananas]

It's been a rough week as far as depression goes, for me. So rough that I was struck "dumb"...not even wanting to post. Today is a little bit better but I'm harboring feelings I desperately need to unload. I hurt my back...being stupid and picking up 28 pounds of dog food without thinking. My brains have been scrambled since my Dad died 2 months ago. I hate it and I wish it would go away, but it doesnt. My Mother is a major thorn in my side these days. She has always treated me like a bastard at a family reunion and although she has been trying since I began helping her with my Dad 2 years ago, it's not enough, I'm afraid. Dad had alzheimers and it was all quite ugly, believe me. Mom is very hystrionic and a total kvetcher. She's a xenophobe who has always set herself above others and a time came, years ago, when I decided I was either going to accept my Mother or leave her alone. Since I was 18 I had stayed as far away from her as I could get. Nothing I did pleased her or made her proud...she never was a great Mother, forsaking us for her career and her material posessions. There was never that "sweet" Mom who truly cared for you and gave you wise advice when you needed it. She just wasnt there. But I felt it was my duty to take care of my folks, in their old age. I did love them and felt I wouldnt be able to live with myself if I abandoned them. My Brother abandoned them too...because they were assholes. Anyway, you grow up and you do what's right. They took care of me, as a child, I owed them this. I did it with love and was honored to have done it. Mom is well off...she has no worries...yet that's all she does. She cannot go out and get a life and seems only "ok" when I'm around, yet when I am around I have to "be there" for her. There's no one there for me and every day is a struggle just to keep my head in order. I was waking up every single morning in a full blown panic attack. Who wouldnt in my position? I have no medical insurance....cant work because I've had 8 heart attacks....I only get a grand a month in alimony which is due to end in May. My car is broken, so I cant go anywhere. I've been off all my heart drugs for 2 years now, and have no Doctor. I just filed for SSDI, and who knows how that will turn out. I cannot be all things to all people and sometimes I need to be selfish concerning myself, but Mom sucks all the selfish out of me and I'm left empty with no coping skills. I isolate, because I cant trust people. I tried to make friends when I moved here 5 years ago...only to be sold down the river and left weeping. Usually I make friends very easily...no more. I cant afford to give away pieces of myself, like that, anymore. The Ex...who has crohns disease and is a total a$$hole and will , from here on be referred to as crohnus assholious...took away my ability to trust through his cruel, cruel actions during the divorce. I had begun to have my heart attacks one year before he dropped the "I'm never coming home again" bomb on me after 16 years. Foolish me, thought my 16 year marriage was perfect. He promptly shut off my phones, so I couldnt call for an ambulance if I needed one, and systematically shut off all my utilities and closed the bank account. Needless to say, I lost everything in the divorce....it is what it is. I moved here to be with my parents and because I had nowhere else to go. Within 3 weeks, Monster Mom started in on me. I was paying $300.00 a month for half of a very small room, and she was bitching about me not keeping her things nice enough. It ended three years later when she lost it on me, wrapped her hands around my throat and tried to strangle me. She was screaming at me, in public, that she would throw me out into the street and cut me off, 100%, from my inheritance. The neighbors must have chatted about that for months afterward. I found an apartment, with my Daughter...an expensive apartment....and she ditched me not two months in, for a scumbag she met on the internet. When Dad got really sick, I was there. He remembered me always...but not Monster Mom. Because she would flip out on him and start cursing him and freaking out because she couldnt deal with him in the throws of the disease. Now, of course, she misses him. Dad didnt seem near death.....he never got aggressive as alzheimers patients do...but did get aggressive 3 times in the weeks leading up to "the incident". He had gotten aggressive and she calls the cops...like, what are they going to do about it? She finally has him hospitalized and carries on like a mental patient about how they need to keep Dad overnight so she can have a break. Oh, they kept him alright...they wouldnt let us have him back because of the aggression! They were going to put him in a nursing home, but instead, put him in hospice care, where they drugged him, stopped all life saving meds, food and water. It took 6 days for him to die. Yes....I blame her. I would never tell her that, but I do. It's always about HER...until something bad happens...then she's the victim. I havent seen her since Tuesday...when I hurt my back. When I call her, which is every day, she lays guilt trips on me. I cannot be sick....I cannot die...because it would "kill her". Yet she does nothing to prevent it. I dont know how to deal with her anymore and I spend a lot of time being angry because, right now, I need tending to, and I'm just not getting it. What a weakling I am...and what burns my butt is that I have always been so strong. Grrrrr!!!!! I need something to empower me, but I'll be damned if I know what it is. Once again...thanks for listening. I'm finished....for now. Might be back later to gripe some more!
Sending love.

[St8arrow]

It's been a rough week as far as depression goes, for me. So rough that I was struck "dumb"...not even wanting to post. Today is a little bit better but I'm harboring feelings I desperately need to unload. I hurt my back...being stupid and picking up 28 pounds of dog food without thinking. My brains have been scrambled since my Dad died 2 months ago. I hate it and I wish it would go away, but it doesnt

From St8arrow

We all have to face the loss of someone close to us at one time or another. Just recently I tried to get in touch with an old friend that I hadn't seen in 30 years. He was much more confident than I was as a teenager and young adult and I left a message on his answering machine saying that I wish I had been more like him when I was young.

I phoned after supper later that day only to have his wife tell me that Keith died 3 years ago. I was stunned. Who am I to tell you to get over the loss of your Dad. Look how badly I took the loss of an old friend that I hadn't seen in 30 years.

From DianaBananas

My Mother is a major thorn in my side these days. ---

From St8arrow

I am not trying to dismiss your complaints by editing them out. On the contrary, I have never heard so many problems that have been piled up upon you. I wish I had some special advice that could help you deal with all of them but alas, I do not.

From DianaBananas

I havent seen her (my Mom) since Tuesday...when I hurt my back. When I call her, which is every day, she lays guilt trips on me. I cannot be sick....I cannot die...because it would "kill her". Yet she does nothing to prevent it. I dont know how to deal with her anymore and I spend a lot of time being angry because, right now, I need tending to, and I'm just not getting it.

From St8arrow

Let's try a story about my 48 year old daughter. About 17 years ago Cindy and her husband bought a house a rather long distance away from one of her friends. This friend made all kinds of derogatory comments about the move. It was out in the boon docks. The street names in the area were dumb. The TV was too far from the couch. The fireplace took up too much of the living room.

Needless to say, the friendship ended but in the final communication, the "friend" admitted that she loved Cindy and didn't want her to move so far away. Why didn't she just say that instead of going through all of the other nonsense?

I think your Mom has the same kind of thoughts going on in her head. Trying to strangle you sounds like she is terrified of running out of money. Certainly that is a legitimate concern but not when it ends up with her trying to choke you half to death.

I know a large number of people who saved their money scrupulously but now they are too old to even enjoy it. Maybe you should either show this letter to your Mom or convey some of these thoughts to her.

From DianaBananas

What a weakling I am...and what burns my butt is that I have always been so strong. Grrrrr!!!!! I need something to empower me, but I'll be damned if I know what it is. Once again...thanks for listening. I'm finished....for now. Might be back later to gripe some more!
Sending love.

Come on Diana, let's get serious here!!!

If you were a weakling, you wouldn't be trying to hold things together through some of the roughest situations that anyone could deal with as far as family relationships go. If you want to assign weakness to someone, how about trying your brother who walked away from it all. You have had the "guts" to stick it out and try to pay back your parents for looking after you when you were just a child.

Darn it, there was one other thought that I wanted to share with you but I've forgotten what it is. I guess I'll just have to blame it on a senior moment, I am 74 years old. Write again soon. Surely you are overdue for some good news.

[DianaBananas]

Yeah STR8...it's been A LOT. If only you knew how much. You'd never believe me. Started with the heart attack in January 2004...august of 2005 he leaves me...I had had heart attack # 2 in between. Day after he leaves me Daughter tells me he molested her...gives me details and, yup, he DID! 2006 I have heart attack 3,4,5,6,7. New years of 2007 dog dies, daughter starts drunken fight with me ( I had just experienced the death, so I didnt fight back) she goes for a gun, son disarms the daughter. I go tell my therapist about the fight and he calls the cops on me because my grandchildren were present, so I go to jail. Never been in trouble my whole life...I turn 50 and suddenly I'm a criminal. Divorce is going on at the same time. Lose everything and end up here. You know the rest. *sigh*...now Dad has passed. No wonder I'm bananas. Total sensory overload. And I keep on living???? How has my heart not exploded??? Been celebate and single ever since...and I like it that way. I have nothing to offer and dont want the burden of someone elses emotions. What I have is enough. God, I'm tired.
Sending love!

[dustinthewind]

So sorry to hear you have been through such a rough time. I am hoping that you will get respite soon. Sending positive thoughts!

[DianaBananas]

Thank you Dust!!!! Soooo sweet of you to offer such beautiful words of comfort! I wonder when my respite will come, too. I sure am ready for it. In the meantime when I need the strength to keep moving, I come here and get love from sweet people, like you!!!! Sending love to you...as you have sent it to me! Muuaahhh!!!

[dustinthewind]

Thank you! Your post was a great pick-me-up today! I appreciate that.

Hope things are feeling a bit better!