Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.
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Woke up at 4:30AM. Couldn’t settle my mind so decided to get up. Next time I looked at the clock it was 1:30AM. Had cup of coffee and 2 cigarettes. Came inside and it was 1:22AM. Time is weird. Have headphones in my ears full blast but it is still too quiet. Can’t drown out the voices. Can’t make out what they are saying. Whispers behind shielded hands but I know they are talking about me. I will think of doing something, be 100% certain I did it only to find out I did not. Got a 2nd cup of coffee, sat back down, went to drink it only to find the cup was still empty. Can feel my mind frantically, desparatly grasping to hold onto a thought but can’t quite hold onto it. According to the clock on the computer right now it is 2:28AM. I wonder what time it will be the next time I look. I can’t sit still but am too tired to do much. Besides, have to be quiet. All the “normies” are still asleep. My mind is so frantic am getting a headache. Have I taken anything for it yet? Don’t know. Best not to take the chance so I will not right now. My muscles feel twitchy. My skin feels crawly. There is something in my head trying to get out. I know there is. I can feel it at the back of my neck. Claws ripping at me. Something in me however knows this is not real. I am trying to take comfort in that fact but it is getting harder to do. Wish Jerry was awake so he could help me. He would probably help if I woke him and asked but don’t want to take that chance. Besides, he has to work and needs his sleep. I have to learn how to go through this alone. I wish they would shut up. Or at least talk louder/clearer so I can hear what they are saying. How come I can never make out what they are saying? Is there some big dark secret I am not supposed to know? Are my pants unzipped? Do I have something in my nose? Or maybe they are just talking about personal stuff that is none of my business? If that is the case, they need to get out of my head and find some place else to talk. I don’t want them here. Spider webs in my head again. Losing thoughts. Don’t know what I was doing. Sometimes I just lose large chunks of time in the webs for a while but then they come back again. Things will be familiar but unknown. Safe and scary at the same time. Am going to go find something else to do. Thought writing this down would help but it is not. Even concentrating on what is happening is not enough to organize my head and stop those damn voices from plotting something against me. God how I wish they would speak louder or shut the hell up.
--- Have I taken anything for it yet? Don’t know. Best not to take the chance so I will not right now.
It sounds to me like you have been given too many drugs and you are suffering from the side effects of mixing too many mind altering drugs together.
I will not pretend that I can help you with some of your confusing symptoms other than the advice listed above and the following advice also. In reference to the occurrence of the uncertainty listed in your message above, which manifests itself in other achievements also. Why not write it down when you take something so that you can determine whether or not you have taken it or not in the future?
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