Destination's Story
Posted: Mon May 21, 2012 3:39 am
Well here is my story.
I am married and have a 12 year old daughter. That's the easy part. I am also polygamous and dominant.
I get depressed because I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I suppose I don't, not too many women are poly and dominant. When I tell people this, I get shunned pretty much automatically, even by those who claim to be open-minded and not mainstream.
Now on to the reason I am poly. If you've read this far kudos for you. I have known my husband for 14 years. We do not have sex. The problem isn't that I don't want to be intimate with him, it is simply that he has no libido. At first this hurt, I felt that it was my fault. I felt ugly and unattractive. After a while I realized that it was not me that had the problem and that I could not control events outside myself. It took another 10 years for me to realize that I could not live the life of a nun. I don't love my husband any less, however I have needs that must be met. I told my husband flat out that if he could not meet this particular need, I would seek it elsewhere. I explained that this was not an ultimatum. I simply wanted to be upfront with him and let him know what I was going to do. I didn't want him to feel obligated to "fulfill his duty". We discussed this at length. He was hesitant at first, then agreed that it might be best as it was the only real bone of contention in our relationship. He knows he can not meet my need for a physical relationship.
I suppose this makes me sound cold blooded, but I want to be myself. I spent too many years being someone else. Being the good daughter, the good girlfriend, the good wife. I spent years trying to please everyone else. I spent years going to church, doing the "right" thing, cooking, cleaning and living a life that was a lie.
I am also highly dominant. This doesn't mean I would attempt to make a slave out of my husband or anyone else. I simply enjoy being in charge. Most men I have had the misfortune to meet, do not like this about me. They think it emasculates them when a woman is in charge. I do not boss my husband around, yet I am interestingly enough, the dominant one in the relationship. He does not kiss my feet, or follow me around like a lost puppy. He just is himself and equal. I can't explain this better at the moment.
I have battled depression for years. First by being untrue to myself. Then by living a life that was a lie. And now I battle it again. I feel lonely. Finding a partner that would accept who I am is unlikely. I am still sexually inactive. I miss sex, I miss being held, I miss the passion. I miss the days when I was younger and prettier and guys thought I was hot. Finding a friend is equally unlikely because of what I am. I often find myself wishing I could find a partner or a friend who would just magically accept me and understand.
I'm also battling on the job front. I have a job but not many hours. I'm the only one working right now and the income isn't enough so I have to accept welfare. I hate having to choose between buying toilet paper or bath soap. I hate not being able to afford simple necessities. I hate not having enough money to go out and have fun or to spoil my daughter. I hate not being able to say to my husband "hey lets go have lunch at the Chinese place you like".
All of these things seem so unfair, people's attitudes, lack of money, lack of work. I get angry about it. I get angry that people want to put me back in that comfortable "little woman" niche. I get angry that my job can't give me more hours. I get angry that I haven't enough money. I get angry that I can't get proper medical care. I get angry that I have to kiss the government's ass just to get food and medical for my daughter. The anger grows and grows until it spirals down into depression and loneliness.
If you don't want me here on your forum or in your chat room I would understand. I break all the rules I know. I don't conform. I will be true to myself. I have to be. To be anything else would be like living in death.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
I am married and have a 12 year old daughter. That's the easy part. I am also polygamous and dominant.
I get depressed because I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I suppose I don't, not too many women are poly and dominant. When I tell people this, I get shunned pretty much automatically, even by those who claim to be open-minded and not mainstream.
Now on to the reason I am poly. If you've read this far kudos for you. I have known my husband for 14 years. We do not have sex. The problem isn't that I don't want to be intimate with him, it is simply that he has no libido. At first this hurt, I felt that it was my fault. I felt ugly and unattractive. After a while I realized that it was not me that had the problem and that I could not control events outside myself. It took another 10 years for me to realize that I could not live the life of a nun. I don't love my husband any less, however I have needs that must be met. I told my husband flat out that if he could not meet this particular need, I would seek it elsewhere. I explained that this was not an ultimatum. I simply wanted to be upfront with him and let him know what I was going to do. I didn't want him to feel obligated to "fulfill his duty". We discussed this at length. He was hesitant at first, then agreed that it might be best as it was the only real bone of contention in our relationship. He knows he can not meet my need for a physical relationship.
I suppose this makes me sound cold blooded, but I want to be myself. I spent too many years being someone else. Being the good daughter, the good girlfriend, the good wife. I spent years trying to please everyone else. I spent years going to church, doing the "right" thing, cooking, cleaning and living a life that was a lie.
I am also highly dominant. This doesn't mean I would attempt to make a slave out of my husband or anyone else. I simply enjoy being in charge. Most men I have had the misfortune to meet, do not like this about me. They think it emasculates them when a woman is in charge. I do not boss my husband around, yet I am interestingly enough, the dominant one in the relationship. He does not kiss my feet, or follow me around like a lost puppy. He just is himself and equal. I can't explain this better at the moment.
I have battled depression for years. First by being untrue to myself. Then by living a life that was a lie. And now I battle it again. I feel lonely. Finding a partner that would accept who I am is unlikely. I am still sexually inactive. I miss sex, I miss being held, I miss the passion. I miss the days when I was younger and prettier and guys thought I was hot. Finding a friend is equally unlikely because of what I am. I often find myself wishing I could find a partner or a friend who would just magically accept me and understand.
I'm also battling on the job front. I have a job but not many hours. I'm the only one working right now and the income isn't enough so I have to accept welfare. I hate having to choose between buying toilet paper or bath soap. I hate not being able to afford simple necessities. I hate not having enough money to go out and have fun or to spoil my daughter. I hate not being able to say to my husband "hey lets go have lunch at the Chinese place you like".
All of these things seem so unfair, people's attitudes, lack of money, lack of work. I get angry about it. I get angry that people want to put me back in that comfortable "little woman" niche. I get angry that my job can't give me more hours. I get angry that I haven't enough money. I get angry that I can't get proper medical care. I get angry that I have to kiss the government's ass just to get food and medical for my daughter. The anger grows and grows until it spirals down into depression and loneliness.
If you don't want me here on your forum or in your chat room I would understand. I break all the rules I know. I don't conform. I will be true to myself. I have to be. To be anything else would be like living in death.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.