Destination's Story

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Destination's Story

Postby Destination » Mon May 21, 2012 3:39 am

Well here is my story.

I am married and have a 12 year old daughter. That's the easy part. I am also polygamous and dominant.

I get depressed because I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I suppose I don't, not too many women are poly and dominant. When I tell people this, I get shunned pretty much automatically, even by those who claim to be open-minded and not mainstream.

Now on to the reason I am poly. If you've read this far kudos for you. I have known my husband for 14 years. We do not have sex. The problem isn't that I don't want to be intimate with him, it is simply that he has no libido. At first this hurt, I felt that it was my fault. I felt ugly and unattractive. After a while I realized that it was not me that had the problem and that I could not control events outside myself. It took another 10 years for me to realize that I could not live the life of a nun. I don't love my husband any less, however I have needs that must be met. I told my husband flat out that if he could not meet this particular need, I would seek it elsewhere. I explained that this was not an ultimatum. I simply wanted to be upfront with him and let him know what I was going to do. I didn't want him to feel obligated to "fulfill his duty". We discussed this at length. He was hesitant at first, then agreed that it might be best as it was the only real bone of contention in our relationship. He knows he can not meet my need for a physical relationship.

I suppose this makes me sound cold blooded, but I want to be myself. I spent too many years being someone else. Being the good daughter, the good girlfriend, the good wife. I spent years trying to please everyone else. I spent years going to church, doing the "right" thing, cooking, cleaning and living a life that was a lie.

I am also highly dominant. This doesn't mean I would attempt to make a slave out of my husband or anyone else. I simply enjoy being in charge. Most men I have had the misfortune to meet, do not like this about me. They think it emasculates them when a woman is in charge. I do not boss my husband around, yet I am interestingly enough, the dominant one in the relationship. He does not kiss my feet, or follow me around like a lost puppy. He just is himself and equal. I can't explain this better at the moment.

I have battled depression for years. First by being untrue to myself. Then by living a life that was a lie. And now I battle it again. I feel lonely. Finding a partner that would accept who I am is unlikely. I am still sexually inactive. I miss sex, I miss being held, I miss the passion. I miss the days when I was younger and prettier and guys thought I was hot. Finding a friend is equally unlikely because of what I am. I often find myself wishing I could find a partner or a friend who would just magically accept me and understand.

I'm also battling on the job front. I have a job but not many hours. I'm the only one working right now and the income isn't enough so I have to accept welfare. I hate having to choose between buying toilet paper or bath soap. I hate not being able to afford simple necessities. I hate not having enough money to go out and have fun or to spoil my daughter. I hate not being able to say to my husband "hey lets go have lunch at the Chinese place you like".

All of these things seem so unfair, people's attitudes, lack of money, lack of work. I get angry about it. I get angry that people want to put me back in that comfortable "little woman" niche. I get angry that my job can't give me more hours. I get angry that I haven't enough money. I get angry that I can't get proper medical care. I get angry that I have to kiss the government's ass just to get food and medical for my daughter. The anger grows and grows until it spirals down into depression and loneliness.

If you don't want me here on your forum or in your chat room I would understand. I break all the rules I know. I don't conform. I will be true to myself. I have to be. To be anything else would be like living in death.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

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Postby dd-va » Mon May 21, 2012 9:22 am

Thank you for sharing your story Destination! Take care!!

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Postby cinnamongirl » Mon Aug 13, 2012 12:34 pm

Destination, I admire you for being true to yourself. --- Hugs --- You have a right to be happy and complete, and it's not fair for anyone to judge you for it.... how can anybody judge you for doing what is necessary when they are not in your situation? You need to be as complete as you can so that you can stay strong for your little girl… She needs you and so does your husband. I try so hard to keep my head above water for my son, who is 15. I am terrified that if he sees me drowning in Darkness he will become depressed too. But please don’t let life as it is now make you feel that you aren’t beautiful or desirable in any way, because you ARE a beautiful person with so much to offer!!!! And although my situation is a little different than yours, my health condition prevents me from having much of a sex life… Sex is beyond physically painful for me. My poor husband is lucky if he ever gets lucky with me as I simply cannot bear the Pain it causes (sometimes for days after intercourse). And he cannot relax and enjoy it when we do because he knows that I am in so much Pain through it. As much as I feel stripped of being a woman, I cannot imagine how he must feel… or how you must feel being in a similar situation. I have offered him the freedom you have spoken of, whether he chooses to take advantage of that, I don’t know. But I think based on our situations; we have to think outside the box in order to survive… I’m certainly happy for those who conform, it’s wonderful if it works for them, but I also know that it isn’t always feasible to find a quality life by simply conforming to what others think is “right”. I often wonder what it would be like to feel like a woman again… to feel desirable and beautiful and to enjoy the pleasures life has to offer… I wonder if the world sees the burden of this shame and the physical Pain I am constantly in from the Depression and this cursed health situation… I often feel like Hester Prinn with that scarlet “A” sewn on my chest, except mine’s a big fat “D”!!!! Do you ever feel like the whole world can see the Burden you live with????

I can also relate to your situation on the work front... both my husband and I have lost a significant portion of our income (we are both in the field of Architecture). It is frustrating and desperately depressing having to choose between necessities and not being able to do even the little things for our son. Half the time, I don’t even know how we will make it to work because there isn’t enough left in the bank to fill the gas tank. It’s so hard to think that there will ever be a prosperous future out there and it just adds to the hopelessness. I wonder if this economy will ever turn around. And why must our economic situation inhibit our ability to live a decent life and obtain healthcare when we so desperately need it?

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Postby hollyann » Mon Aug 13, 2012 5:51 pm


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Postby Destination » Mon Aug 13, 2012 11:31 pm

aww thanks cinnamongirl :) its nice to feel like someone out there gets it. You are very encouraging. I might PM you a note so don't be surprised if you get one. (( huggs ))

Thanks for the huggle hollyann :) ((( huggle)))

I have since found out that the proper term for my husband is asexual. Its just the way he is and we've talked about it several times. There is nothing physically wrong with him or anything, he just is unable to generate that sort of interest. It was a bit of a struggle for me at first but I've learned to accept it. And of course we've worked things out as described above. :)

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Postby Destination » Mon Dec 03, 2012 11:25 pm

I've been thinking about my life and wondering where I'm going with it lately. What is worse is I am starting to feel disconnected from people.

I am feeling like I just don't want to listen anymore. Like what they say is unimportant and I'm tired of hearing it. I'm not even talking about when they have a problem, maybe they are just sharing good news or talking about the price of beans. I'm just like "yeah" and "uhuh" and I nod or smile and don't actually give a crap.

One of my friends likes this game. She talks about it a lot. The game she likes doesn't hold any interest for me. I don't care about armor or skills or items that she gets from that game. I just feel bored. I feel like there is nothing interesting to talk about.

When my daughter starts talking about her latest game she's trying out or some show she's been watching, I just don't care. I know I should. But her gory movies and games just don't interest me. What she talks about doesn't interest me.

I feel like I'm trying to understand some foreign language, I just can't connect or relate. I realized the other day that I don't have any friends that I have things in common with and the friends I do have, all have agendas of their own and are living their own lives.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

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Postby stillwaters » Tue Dec 04, 2012 9:21 am

Hi Destination
I think you know that in these forums and the chat rooms there are many people you have things in common with. They are just not all your friends. Yet. Whenever I read your posts, I can feel your strength and you helped pull me up in the past when I was in similar place to you now. For a while there you were my Roland.
Because of my wifes health, we are in a similar situation sexually to your relationship and I know it can be very frustrating at times. My illness has put a further wedge in the intimacy issue and at times its getting tough to get an occasional hug. I think my wife still loves me, she just doesnt like what I have become. Most times too introspective and not interested in anything else. These are not good times because they afford to much time to dwell on the negative which makes me hate/punish myself more by withdrawing further.
I looked and I cant find any magic wand. Oh how I wished there was a magic want that would make things get better or let my brain and life go back to the way they were.
I can only do things one small step at a time. Try to do one positive thing for someone else today, even just listen for 5 minutes. Make sure the people I love know it , (cause I know I dont show it enough let alone others)
If you got a real bad case of the I dont cares, maybe time to make a list of the "I do cares" and re-evaluate what is important to you so you can focus on what makes you feel better. You have to take care of yourself before you can help others and if and when you are feeling better its maybe not so much of a struggle to spread that to friends and family.
Sorry Destination no quick fix but a big thank you for your help in the past and hopes that although you feel disconnected you know you are not alone in it.

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Postby Destination » Tue Dec 04, 2012 10:59 pm

Thanks stillwaters :)

Maybe that is what I should be doing, thinking about what does interest me and what I do have, instead of thinking negatively. I'm glad I could help you feel a little bit better. It is good to know that I can still help others no matter what is going on in my own life. :)

(( huggles for stillwaters ))

I feel for you being in that situation, its pretty lonely at times isn't it? It's not so much about the sex, though lord knows that would be a bonus, it's really about having someone that listens and understands and can give hugs and cuddles.

I wish there was a magic wand too! :D I can just imagine all the things I'd do if I had one. Starting with a masseur!!

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