Life as I know it

[melissa79299]

Hello out there,
I am a 32 year old female that has never been married and without children. I seem to pick men that are not emotionally available. The men are immature and/or married. I really think I choose these men, first based on the fact they usually are the first to give me any attention; and second its self-destructive because my self-esteem is negative. I am in a relationship with a married man, that I know is a dead end road, but I can't imagine my life without him. I was suicidal at least 1/2 of the year before this relationship, now I am so numb suicide is only half the problem, I am deeper in depression than I ever have been in my life.
I just finished school for nursing and I feel so stupid and worthless that I can't be a better example for people who suffer like I do. I feel like I can't trust doctors or shrinks because I have seen the bad side of a profession who makes money from people at a low point in their life
My issues with trust started with my parents. My mother told me I would never amount to anything and that I was a burden since the day I was born. Told me often that she should have drown me at birth. Physically and mentally abused me. To this day the worst part of all of the abuse is she refuses to admit what she did, tells me I have always "wore my feeling on my shoulders." My father was abusive to me and my mother and an alcoholic. I remember at a young age, seeing him fight the police when he was arrested for domestic violence. I remember wishing my mom would have left him and she did, only to return to him. They are still together and she is his caretaker and I am jealous of the relationship they have. (Still abusive, verbally, but since he has Parkinson's now he can't physically attack) I have lived with my parents most of my life (except 2 years I live with my ex-boyfriend) I have not spoken to my father (yes we live in the same house) for over 15 years.
I want to move on with my life but I am so angry, bitter, sad, lonely,scared, and lack trust, that I am numb to anything. I really think I am addicted to feeling bad because that is the only emotional state I have been in for most of my life. I write on the forum to have an outlet because writing and music are the only two things that have kept me alive thought all my heartache. I want to be a mother so bad but I feel like no child would ever want to admit I am their mother. I really do feel like I am worthless and alone. I have friends who tell me different but I feel like a burden to people because of my constant depression and negative behaviors. Its really hard for me to ask for help and I have tried and the doctor(s) and medical profession let me down. You would be surprised how many nurses (and problem many doctors)think people with depression should just "snap" out of it.[/b]

[Silver]

Hello melissa. It's terrible that you've had such bad experiences with licensed doctors and nurses... They should feel ashamed that they aren't living up to their profession. I do sympathize with being told to "snap out of it," though my therapists have never told me that; it was my mother who often told me to knock it off. She has always thought, and might still think, it is a phase, like the emotionally unstable state of a teenager. Those who say that are truly ignorant...

I know you do not trust doctors, and with good reason, but are you by chance on medication? Depending on your personal view on taking medicine, it might be a good idea. I have been on medication for five or six months, give or take, and the results are promising. As an added bonus, my mother does not seem as skeptical as she used to be.

I also sympathize with you in having bad parents. My biological father was also an abusive alcoholic (he took illegal drugs as well...) but I was fortunate, in a way, in that he left the day I was born. It has still left some emotional damage, no doubt. My mother has dished out some physical abuse, but my step-father (who legally adopted me) gives me a safe haven. Is there someone in your life, family or otherwise, who can provide a safe haven for you, even if it's temporary?

Also, congrats on finishing school! I believe this will be a crucial first step into improving your condition. Is there any possibility that, due to your schooling, you can get a decent enough job to move out of your parent's house? Perhaps staying within close proximity to them is not healthy.

I feel that, when we are depressed, most everything looks like something bad, that we won't ever succeed at anything due to our negative moods and feelings of worthlessness (I've felt it too...). But it is good to recognize when you are not in a positive state of mind, in which reality may seem a bit warped in the negative, when sometimes, we have potential to be positive. I don't think any child would be ashamed of having you as a mother. You've been through a lot, and as long as you are there for the child, I'm sure they'll look up to you. Keep this goal in mind, of having a child, as it seems to be very important to you. It can be your drive to improving your life's current condition and to fight against the negativity. Good luck to you. *hug*

[azalea]

Hi,

I'm sorry that you have endured such awful things in your life. You need to focus on the positives like your schooling. I don't know your financial situation but I think it would be in your best interest to move out of your parents house. Once you are out of a toxic negative enviornment you'll be able to see that you are worth having everything. I have parents who had acted like my living presence is hindering them.

I hope you can find a great doctor to help you out.