This Person Called Dash

[Dashing.mare]

Ok so I had this nice explanation of who I am and my path through depression but due to my tired mistake at 1:30am I lost it all and can't be bothered to rewrite it. So instead I'm going to do dot points of key events!

- Bullied all through primary and high school
- started Self harming to cope when about 15years old
- changed school when starting final year (17yrs old)
- lovely school but things at home were harder to deal with
- started uni (18yrs old)
- Finally convinced by friend to see a counsellor about mid year of that first yr of uni
- then eventiully convinced to see a doctor about 3mnths after starting to see councellor
- Diagnosed with depression, didnt tell family
- sister found out, told mum, all hell broke loose
- amongst other things told I was making it up for attention because I kept it secrect (makes sense right?)
- moved out when 19 with the excuse of uni being at the rural campus
- bullied at uni because I didnt really enjoy getting drunk like the other students and was scared to interact socially so often (living in halls very social place)
- Got acused of theft, bullied even worse
- was proven innocent but got shifted to the units (it was easier to move one person then tell the others off for bullying)
- live in a unit alone for a year, scared to go to any of the main social events, if I even found out they were on
- lost the one friend I had in my actual course because ... actually I still dont know why
- over the next 2.5 years I had housemates, got back on the ball and did well at uni and got my life on track.
- Completed my degree with honours, made some really good friends and over all did really well
- Moved back in with mum & sis mid last year (aged 22), took 6months off to sort myself out and work out my next step
- started a Masters of Teaching begining of this year, love the course, made some friends and actually dont feel out of place at uni
- havent Self harmed for over a year (at least) and not often for a number of years
- havent seen a doctor or counsellor for a number of years either

But recently I felt myself slipping. It was mostly going ok but I was begining to loose my temper at stupid things and get into arguements over nothing specific. But all in all I was coping.

Last night all this changed. We had family friends over and when this precise friend visits mum & sis drink a fair bit. Last night they went overboard and after the friends left I was trying to put them to bed and a fight broke out. How ever my sister & mum got physical and I was stuck trying to split them up before they actually did some serious damage to each other or did something they would regret (eg my sister slapped my mum but because I was between them she really only ended up brushing her fingers past and not doing damage). I eventually go them each in their rooms but mum went on this big speil about why bother with us. She actually said to me "Why bother with her [sister]? Why bother with you?"

I felt my heart actually rip ... I can't even look at mum with out replaying her words from last night. I know people say things when they've had too much but often its things they think but common sense stops them saying it aloud. Now I'm wandering why bother? I cant really afford to move out but at the same time I dont want to stay here.

I Dont want to go through this again. I dont want to be in this place, things had been going so well and I'm trapped again. I've gone in a big circle and gotten no where!!!

Thanks to anyone who bothered with my big rant

Dash

[crystalgaze]

Ah, I'm sorry you had to go through that.... Yikes... I'm trying to think about what I would do in that situation.... Sheesh....

Please take some time to heal. That's first.

Now when you catch yourself, do everything you can to get out of there, if that's what you feel is going to help your mental hygiene/health.

Now....

This might sound harsh--even offensive--but I'm only going to say it to make a point.....


To the question of "Why bother with you/sister?" The answer is "Why bother with either of them??" Mind you, I'm not trying to be disrespectful here.

It is unfortunate, but I know part of the reason I am surviving is I took that attitude. I am kind to those who are kind to me. I will care/be concerned for those who care/are concerned for me.

Maybe they were just words... I really can't say.

It will be hard I know, but my best suggestion is to leave behind/put to rest what you cannot use & try to move forward, focusing on your health + your life.

I know people deal with things differently. Different things work for different people.Do your best to work through it; you can do it!

[Dashing.mare]

Thanks ... I'm trying to look after myself and prevent myself from slipping.

I am not offended by your comments, I often think similar things. As for family, why bother with them? they are my family I still love them! I think my choices will rely heavily on the next few days/week. Maybe I wont get the painful ache when I look at mum once I've had a proper nights sleep, or maybe I will learn to ignore it or something.

Thanks for the support

Dash