a little about myself

[bg38]

I'm sitting here during another routine sleepless night. Sleep and I have become strangers over the years. It is not uncommon for me to go literally days without sleep.
I've gone from one to two days straight without sleep. But yet still would get up and work my full 8 - 16 hours a day.

This is only the tip of the iceberg for me tho. I stay home all the time. No matter who is around me or how many people there are I always have adeep foreboding feeling of intense sadness. It's gotten so bad that it makes me cry sometimes for no apparent reasons. My wife caught me crying thee other night and I lied to her, telling her I was crying cause my chest hurt. It has been hurting, but wasn't the cause.

I'm slowly losing interest in everything that used to bring me happiness.I don't want to be around others . I prefer keeping to myself. Always have.

During the past year or two I started getting severe chest pains,tightening feeling in my chest and sickness. Each time I'd be rushed to the emergency room they'd run their tests but always found my heart to be in perfect health.

It's gotten more and more frequent making it impossible for me to go to work . I quit one job due to the pains, and when I've tried going to a new job, the pains return leaving me unable to work anymore.

I can tell something isn't right me, like my wires are crossed or something. I have an appointment at a local office that offers counseling and help to those who need it.

I'm a little worried as to tell them everything, including a ton of stuff I left out here.
Worried what they may say to me, what they'll want to do.
i just want the sadness to go away. it's heavy,weighing down on me all these years.
I hide it from everone pretty good so far. No one knows whats going on inside me, what nightmares I've been living with. I am alone in a sea of people.

The only bright spot in my life? my two babies. I'll honestly tell you here tonight that I know deep down in my heart if not for them, I would not be here right now. I love them so much it actually hurts.



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[dd-va]

bg38, Thank you for sharing! I hope that your appointment goes well. Take care!