Depression Understood Forums

When I was 3 my mom and dad got a divorce. My dad stopped paying child support a little after my fifth birthday and when my mom asked him to please pay up, he gave her a black eye. I didn't really know what was going on, considering my young age, so I still loved my dad and I loved his wife, and I loved my step-sister, Kandi. One Friday, I was all packed up and ready to go to my dad's house. I got my bag and waited on the stairs by the front door. My mom finally tried to get me to put my stuff away around 7 that night. He was supposed to come at 4. I didn't give up though and I waited stubbornly until I fell asleep on the stairs. I woke up the next morning, in my bed, my bags unpacked and my dad nowhere to be found. My mom then had to explain to me that my dad wasn't going to come get me anymore. I didn't understand. I blamed my mom and especially my step-dad, but looking back, I know it wasn't their fault. I was told last year the full story from our attorney. My mom had asked my dad to either pay his child support, or to give up all rights to seeing me. He chose the money and signed the papers to release all rights he had to me. He and his wife actually high-fived on the way out of the office. I became utterly depressed, but when school started back up again, I put on a happy face and looked forward to going back. I'm not sure why- maybe I was just looking for a distraction. But ever since kindergarten, I was teased. Always. Every day. Even by my best friends. They made fun of my name. They made fun of my house. They made fun of my family. I was in advanced groups and they made fun of me for that. My teeth. My hair. My clothes. My voice. My face. All the way up into sixth grade. I kept a brave face and gave them no reaction. I went home and cried. I told my mom what was happening but it only made it worse. I begged and pleaded to be kept home, to be homeschooled, anything. Nothing worked. I started pretending to be sick so I would have at least one day of peace. When I was finally out of elementary, I hoped that by having new people at the middle school, I would get a fresh start. And it worked, at first. I had friends. I was a social butterfly. But then everything started to fall apart. I kept two memories of my dad with me at all times- a small glass dog he gave me for my second birthday, and a letter he had written me. Both were stolen and used to torment me with. My science teacher managed to get the dog back for me, but the letter was never recovered and people recited lines of it to me whenever they passed me. I would go in the bathroom and try not to cry. In eighth grade, it got physical. Guys in the lunch line would grope my butt. I got shoved into a glass trophy case that stuck out from the wall. At a basketball game, people sitting behind me threw food at me, pulled my hair, kicked me in the back and the head, and pushed me off of the bleachers. I began cutting myself. I wasn't suicidal, I just needed the distraction. I'm not even sure what gave me the idea to start, I just did. Over the summer, I managed to stop. I was back to the idea of high school- new school, new people, new start. However, over the summer, I met a guy. He treated me amazing and made me feel like a princess. I felt so beautiful. I met up with him at the playground of my elementary school- two blocks from my house. Everything went south there. He started touching me. He tried to take off my shirt and put his hands down my pants. I told him off and started walking home. He caught up to me and pulled me down off the bike path I was on and forced me down under a bridge. I told him to let me go. I tried to kick, bite, fight back but he just held me tighter. He held my arms back and pushed me up against a wall and started touching me again. I threatened to scream and he just laughed. "Go ahead. Scream. It just makes it more fun." He said. I went home, freaking out, and told my mom. She thought this had happened more than once and so she said it was my fault. I started cutting again. Once school started up, it was a welcome distraction. But then the guy I met kept trying to get back with me and wouldn't leave me alone. He spread rumors about me. I started getting teased again. Every single day, I get told how stupid, worthless, and ugly I am. People throw things at me in class, at lunch, and on the bus. People make up insulting songs about me on the bus. People avoid me like I have the plague. I found out Kandi was killed in a car accident. My dad's trying to come back into my life again. I'm cutting almost everyday now, and I've been thinking about suicide more and more. I just don't know what to do. I need help.

Well.... Oh boy.... How do you handle a situation like this? I was teased in a similar format, although mine wasn't as bad. It was still bad, of course...

If it is at all possible, can you learn self-defense?? I think something like that might help. You have great resolve. Perhaps, self-defense might re-strengthen that resolve.

I'm sorry you didn't call the cops for that guy. I've had a similar situation, so I totally understand....

I believe your life will get better, especially if you can get away from there.....

I can't tell you what to do about your Dad... I know if it were me, I would feel a way about him coming back into my life. I would also want to be loyal to my Mom, who put in the effort.... Really, I would feel mixed.

However, regarding your Dad, I think you should tell him what is going on in your life--the teasing, the problems you are having, etc.--& be truthful about how you feel. It may be too much for you to handle with everything that is happening in your life or it might be just what you need (a change of location).....

It is very hard to tell. Please do not give up hope. I'm going to say from now suicide will not be the answer. Please do not do it. Please find a distraction--a new hobby if possible.... Yoga... Walking... Something.... but please do not go there....

I believe there is a lot you will have to live for & that things will get better....

Hello DeamonBunny:

That is a conglomerated list of problems and bullying that you have put up with. I want to congratulate you on not hurting yourself more than you already have and also for having the courage to come in here and tell your story. If it is at all possible, I would urge you to try to see a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist. Most of those Therapists are making excellent progress in helping people with your kind of problems.

If that creep bothers you again, before he can start, tell him that you are seeing a CBT and telling him or her all about him (the creep). Tell him that the Therapist wants you to charge him with rape, but so far you have resisted doing so. Tell him if he ever bothers you again, you will have him charged.

Another way to deal with this creep is to find out where he lives and who his parents are. Threaten to tell them what he did to you in the past and that he is trying to bother you again. If they (his family members) tell you that you are just making it all up; tell them that you understand that they just don't have the courage or guts to react correctly to your honest story. Don't let them stonewall you. One last comment about the creep. If he tries to bother you again, ask him if he thinks it would be more "fun" for him to spend the next 5 years in jail. Maybe he would wind up being raped there himself.

Now for some honest constructive criticism. I know that you are feeling extremely anxious but please, do not run your sentences and paragraphs together. Break them up like I am doing here. I am sure a number of people simply did not read your story because of the way you posted it.

You need some time and good counseling to get rid of the affects of all that bullying. I am not just whistling past the graveyard here; --- YOU CAN OVERCOME THESE HORRORS AND LIVE A HAPPY AND PRODUCTIVE LIFE. Please keep posting in this site. There are plenty of people here who want to help you.