Recent Happenings

[Nastarial]

There is one thing that's been bothering for the last week, more so than I thought it would, but...it needs a little back history.

About ten months I moved out of my parents house due to the way they made me feel. I was made to feel like the house maid, as I was the only one to any cleaning of any sort on any regular basis, voluntarily or not. If I didn't do it without provocation, my parents would tell me to do it and get on to me if I didn't. My father was especially bad about telling me to do things that my mother told him to do. Whenever I told her about it, she'd just cover for him and say it probably because he couldn't do it himself.
****She says that because he suffers from type 1 diabetes, but he hasn't ever taken care of himself. High blood sugar = bad because it'll cause damage to the body. Low blood sugar = bad because it'll cause brain damage, as the brain needs a certain amount of sugar to feed of off to work right. My father, in the last year that I was living with him, went low to the point he was a living-zombie close to ten times. You can easily double or triple that for the amount of times he went high. Anyway, brought this up because he uses the nerve damage in his legs as an excuse to get out of doing anything but playing video games, so he doesn't do any sort of work while my mother was busy working a Wal-Mart.

Since we had three dogs, I tried to make sure that they were taken care too, but again, all by myself or with occasional help from my younger brother (who is also diabetic and is trying to do better about taking care of himself than his lousy role-model). This was going on since I got out of middle and was home-schooled. The excuse I bought from my mother was that the high school I was zoned for was full of violence and she used my fear of being raped to keep me home.

They also promised to help me get my birth certificate, ID, GED, ect. "We can do at income tax time," they would tell each year. And each year it was always a new xbox, new psp, games for each, new furniture, expensive food, going out to eat to expensive restaurants..... Everything my dad and brother wanted, and things I didn't want but thought was nice....like makeup and a curling iron I have no motivation to use.....

Then we'd go into debt because they would spend the money too fast and on too many things. Then I'd hear, "Oh, sorry, dear, we'll get you what you need next year."

To be so excited and psyched to the point where I couldn't think about more than one thing for a few minutes at a time or sleep longer than an hour.....Only to have those feelings evaporate in the face all the afore mentioned things..... I'd cry for hours, start sleeping a lot, feel my energy start out at zero in the morning.... It went on like that for nearly six years, until I couldn't handle it anymore.

I asked a friend to help me out, and he offered me his place even though he could get evicted for doing it, he's already gotten me my birth certificate, which got me back into that euphoric feeling again.

My parents though weren't happy when I moved out those ten months ago and after they found out where I was by a friend I thought I could trust, they first called the cops. Told them the truth about what all I had gone through and since I was 19 at the time, they couldn't do anything anyway. Next day my mother comes by and tells me that my father was admitted to the psych ward in the local hospital because he was talking about coming here, killing my roommate and then killing himself. Then she blamed me for it and told me not to go visit him. I didn't, just because I didn't know what to say to that. When he got out of the hospital, he came over with my mother, doing that saying without actually saying that it was my fault type thing. Made me cry and feel horrible, because I try not to be a bad person. Suffice to say, my roommate took the time in helping me that night, making I knew it wasn't my fault and everything, for which I'll never be able to thank him enough.

Over the next few months, they would occasionally come over while my roommate was at work (they see him as a "baby-snatcher" as my mother so eloquently put it), tell me how they missed me, how they were getting the house into order without me there and that things could be different because they were getting help from the Salvation Army....

Then because they started more condescending each time they came and talked to me, I wrote them a letter telling me that I didn't them coming by anymore because of how it made me feel. They tried coming by anyway, but I pretended I wasn't home just because every time they came by, I felt like my heart would jump from chest and run in the other direction I would be so anxious.

Through out this time, though, I kept in contact with my brother because even though he and I can go at it worse than cats and dogs, I've always looked out for him. Anyway, about a week ago, he told me something that I wasn't expecting at all, and that was that my father declared me dead to him.....which is the same thing as disowning, I think......It came completely out of the left field..... I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it..... Part of me doesn't care because it means I won't have to deal with them again, while another is deeply hurt because should I ever have a desperate need of help and if they're the only ones available, I won't go to them simply because my father doesn't want me around anymore.....

My roommate, Derrick, told me not to let it get to me, that it was their loss. But I still have this numb-sad feeling about it.... Thoughts? Opinions? I need something to help with feeling....It's dragging everything around me down.....

Oh, sorry about the length.... Wasn't expecting to go into a rant or anything..... Kinda glad I broke it up so it's not a wall of text...