Where do i begin...

[swimmer7410]

So, i guess it started last year. My freshman year of High School, it was around eh, mid December. I was stressed because of school and swim team and having to try and have time, any time for me. Little things push me over the edge.. and one night i came home from a swim meet at 10pm. I hadnt been home all day... and my mom had 'cleaned' my room, throwing everything on my bed... and i still had homework... i Broke down... i started bawling and i couldnt focus on anything. that's when i decided i'd start cutting, maybe it'd help. I didnt do it very much. I was so scared. I still dont, because i still am. But i just kept getting more sad... Then I met Jesse. I love him so much. When my mom Got cancer, he helped me through it. (everyone thinks that's why i got upset, but it isnt at all.) He is my everything and he has helped me so much. He was my rescue, he kept me happy and sane when no one or nothing else could. I couldnt talk to anyone else about it. So it got better, all summer i was fine. Jesse and I hung out a lot and we started getting intimate(this goes into a big part later on) Then school started, stress started. Then the beginning of october came around. We had sex and he snuck over. Then my mom, being the overprotective parent that she is, sneaks into my facebook account and finds out that we had sex and he snuck over. I spiral into a deep dark hole. not allowed to see the only thing that makes me happy. Great. For months, the rant to me about how i have betrayed and lied to them. How i am a horrible disobedient child, and how i am a disappointment. All i've ever wanted is to make them proud... and I've ruined that in a second. They try to tell me they love me but i hate myself so much because of the guilt, i cant believe them. Then, around December, things start getting back to normal. He comes to my swim meets and we get to see each other some again... Then... The end of january, my mom finds my skype and checks it. she had found our 'sexual texts' she sends me a text in school saying how disappointed she is in me and that she is taking my phone. after school she picks me up and on the way from the school to swim practice (2 blocks) she goes on and on about how bad jesse is for me, and how he has corrupted me. (Any normal 16yr old boy or girl thinks about sex) she tells me how much she hates him and this is all his fault. trying to turn me against him.. The whole month of february is a challenge... not being able to talk to him, and having to spend time with her... Then this Tuesday, my dad made me start working at the bank, after school until 5. that leaves typically 4 hours to do stuff at home. and usually 2 hours are for eating and/or homework. So that leaves 2 hours for anything else... I always feel rushed and out of time. The past few days ive started crying at school because i cant understand or keep up. I'm an A student and always have been, I have a nice house and no financial problems at all... I dont understand why i can be so sad when i have all of these nice things.. but i am... I feel like no one understands because they dont see how i hurt.. I am always blaming myself for every problem.. I always feel guilty and upset. I hate myself so much when i do something wrong... I feel so tired and weak.. I dont want to talk to anyone.. I just want to be alone... but how can i be when im at school all day, then i have work, then i have to be with my family... its just a vicious cycle...

[Obayan]

Your parents are trying to keep you from making a huge mistake which could happen if the behavior keeps up the same as it is now. It's not that they hate you, they love you and are trying in their own way to protect you.

Happiness doesn't come from what you have or who you are with. It comes from inside of you. I know being around certain people can ease the lonliness and make you forget even just for a while the other problems, but for happiness to be real and lasting it has to come from inside first.

I understand how stressfull it can be to be young in this day and age and have so many pressures on you especially with working and participating in the swim team matches and all.

Is there any way you can talk to the school counselor? I think it would help a lot.

[balcony]

Hi swimmer7410. It is very hard to hear a parents' criticism or disapproval ,but in this case, your parents are demonstrating how much they love you. High School is many things, it is a time of emotional struggle and new academic challenges. All of these things are necessary to make you ready for the next step in your life. Swimmer, work on school, and swimming..develop yourself and take pride in your accomplishments. Being an athlete and a student is full-time work. Boyfriends/friends are a normal part of growing up but they cannot fix or remove your problems. You have to do that. Talk to your mother about how you feel, confide in a trusted teacher or counselor and be excited for all the opportunities that will await you if you make good choices. Take care and best of luck.