new life (possible trigger)
Posted: Tue Feb 14, 2012 5:27 pm
Dear Diary
2/14/12
Met with Dr X (New psychiatrist) today. The visit was very hard for me. He was asking a lot of questions and I was unable to comprehend well enough to clearly answer. Came home and wrote it all down and emailed it to him. Hopefully he will be ok working with me this way. Not sure yet if I like him. He seems nice enough but I just get a strange feeling about him. He seems to believe I am not bipolar, which is fine, but if I am not bipolar, what am I? He didn’t get too much into the recent changes with me. I see him again in March and will see how it goes. Was concerned that he didn’t discuss new meds. He is aware I am not taking my bipolar meds and he seemed fine with that. He feels that the Elavil is a good antidepressant but Dr Z (Neurologist) said it is not.
Everyone seems to be optimistic that I am no longer having seizures. They don’t seem to get it that it is because I am not going into any stressful situations. I know if that changed the seizures would start right back up and I would be back to square one.
Part of me wants to be healthy and whole again so I can rejoin society, but part of me is content hiding in “my safe place”. I am not afraid here. No one is mean to me. I can stick to doing what I can and Jerry is there to help me when I get stuck. I do know I cannot “rejoin society” as I am. To coin a phrase out of a movie, I need to “get busy living or get busy dying”. This in between is much harder on me than I let on. I am very tired. Not sleepy tired, but tired in my soul. All the fight went out of me a long time ago. I cannot find a way to get anyone to understand what is going on inside me. Hell, sometimes I don’t understand it myself. I have had many, many years perfecting “putting on a brave face” because people either can’t help or don’t care. That makes me seem much better than I really am. I wish I could put someone in my head for a day. As soon as they stopped screaming they would understand. I have said before that “I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to live”. That is sooooo untrue. If I could find someone to do the dirty work for me (because I am a coward) I would gladly die in a heartbeat. I am the only one I know who prays for a home invasion by an armed assailant with a bad temper. (ha ha. What would the perp think when the crazy housewife starts begging for him to kill her. Ha ha) I don’t want this life anymore. I don’t want to be this person anymore. I don’t want the thoughts and visions that are such a constant part of me anymore. I see myself die dozens of times a day, every single day. I go to sleep every night hoping I don’t wake up. I wake up every day pissed off that I did. The worst part of this is knowing that this is as good as it gets. No one can fix me. No one can make it right. No one can make ME right. I have had 30 years of Dr’s, meds and therapy. If I am not fixed by now…
Well, I guess that’s enough for now. Talk to you soon.
2/14/12
Met with Dr X (New psychiatrist) today. The visit was very hard for me. He was asking a lot of questions and I was unable to comprehend well enough to clearly answer. Came home and wrote it all down and emailed it to him. Hopefully he will be ok working with me this way. Not sure yet if I like him. He seems nice enough but I just get a strange feeling about him. He seems to believe I am not bipolar, which is fine, but if I am not bipolar, what am I? He didn’t get too much into the recent changes with me. I see him again in March and will see how it goes. Was concerned that he didn’t discuss new meds. He is aware I am not taking my bipolar meds and he seemed fine with that. He feels that the Elavil is a good antidepressant but Dr Z (Neurologist) said it is not.
Everyone seems to be optimistic that I am no longer having seizures. They don’t seem to get it that it is because I am not going into any stressful situations. I know if that changed the seizures would start right back up and I would be back to square one.
Part of me wants to be healthy and whole again so I can rejoin society, but part of me is content hiding in “my safe place”. I am not afraid here. No one is mean to me. I can stick to doing what I can and Jerry is there to help me when I get stuck. I do know I cannot “rejoin society” as I am. To coin a phrase out of a movie, I need to “get busy living or get busy dying”. This in between is much harder on me than I let on. I am very tired. Not sleepy tired, but tired in my soul. All the fight went out of me a long time ago. I cannot find a way to get anyone to understand what is going on inside me. Hell, sometimes I don’t understand it myself. I have had many, many years perfecting “putting on a brave face” because people either can’t help or don’t care. That makes me seem much better than I really am. I wish I could put someone in my head for a day. As soon as they stopped screaming they would understand. I have said before that “I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to live”. That is sooooo untrue. If I could find someone to do the dirty work for me (because I am a coward) I would gladly die in a heartbeat. I am the only one I know who prays for a home invasion by an armed assailant with a bad temper. (ha ha. What would the perp think when the crazy housewife starts begging for him to kill her. Ha ha) I don’t want this life anymore. I don’t want to be this person anymore. I don’t want the thoughts and visions that are such a constant part of me anymore. I see myself die dozens of times a day, every single day. I go to sleep every night hoping I don’t wake up. I wake up every day pissed off that I did. The worst part of this is knowing that this is as good as it gets. No one can fix me. No one can make it right. No one can make ME right. I have had 30 years of Dr’s, meds and therapy. If I am not fixed by now…
Well, I guess that’s enough for now. Talk to you soon.
lemme think about one..