new life (possible trigger)

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Mrsderby
Posts: 73
Joined: Tue Feb 14, 2012 5:21 pm

new life (possible trigger)

Postby Mrsderby » Tue Feb 14, 2012 5:27 pm

Dear Diary
2/14/12
Met with Dr X (New psychiatrist) today. The visit was very hard for me. He was asking a lot of questions and I was unable to comprehend well enough to clearly answer. Came home and wrote it all down and emailed it to him. Hopefully he will be ok working with me this way. Not sure yet if I like him. He seems nice enough but I just get a strange feeling about him. He seems to believe I am not bipolar, which is fine, but if I am not bipolar, what am I? He didn’t get too much into the recent changes with me. I see him again in March and will see how it goes. Was concerned that he didn’t discuss new meds. He is aware I am not taking my bipolar meds and he seemed fine with that. He feels that the Elavil is a good antidepressant but Dr Z (Neurologist) said it is not.
Everyone seems to be optimistic that I am no longer having seizures. They don’t seem to get it that it is because I am not going into any stressful situations. I know if that changed the seizures would start right back up and I would be back to square one.
Part of me wants to be healthy and whole again so I can rejoin society, but part of me is content hiding in “my safe place”. I am not afraid here. No one is mean to me. I can stick to doing what I can and Jerry is there to help me when I get stuck. I do know I cannot “rejoin society” as I am. To coin a phrase out of a movie, I need to “get busy living or get busy dying”. This in between is much harder on me than I let on. I am very tired. Not sleepy tired, but tired in my soul. All the fight went out of me a long time ago. I cannot find a way to get anyone to understand what is going on inside me. Hell, sometimes I don’t understand it myself. I have had many, many years perfecting “putting on a brave face” because people either can’t help or don’t care. That makes me seem much better than I really am. I wish I could put someone in my head for a day. As soon as they stopped screaming they would understand. I have said before that “I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to live”. That is sooooo untrue. If I could find someone to do the dirty work for me (because I am a coward) I would gladly die in a heartbeat. I am the only one I know who prays for a home invasion by an armed assailant with a bad temper. (ha ha. What would the perp think when the crazy housewife starts begging for him to kill her. Ha ha) I don’t want this life anymore. I don’t want to be this person anymore. I don’t want the thoughts and visions that are such a constant part of me anymore. I see myself die dozens of times a day, every single day. I go to sleep every night hoping I don’t wake up. I wake up every day pissed off that I did. The worst part of this is knowing that this is as good as it gets. No one can fix me. No one can make it right. No one can make ME right. I have had 30 years of Dr’s, meds and therapy. If I am not fixed by now…
Well, I guess that’s enough for now. Talk to you soon.

Mrsderby
Posts: 73
Joined: Tue Feb 14, 2012 5:21 pm

Postby Mrsderby » Wed Feb 15, 2012 5:27 pm

Not one reply??? Guess I'm more alone than I thought. :(

Mags13
Posts: 14
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2012 11:14 pm

Postby Mags13 » Wed Feb 15, 2012 6:30 pm

Sorry Mrs. Derby. You are in my thoughts. It's been a rough few days and I've been a little lost in my own thoughts.

I think maybe your post is a little hard for me to respond to? I relate to it on so many levels. I can feel your pain. And my instinct is to reassure you, to sit with you for a bit. I'm just a little lost for words.

For me, things can go south. When I'm there, I always try and remind myself that I normally come back up.

I'm sorry for not responding earlier. And I'm sorry we made you feel alone.

I hope you are taking care of yourself.

Mrsderby
Posts: 73
Joined: Tue Feb 14, 2012 5:21 pm

Postby Mrsderby » Thu Feb 16, 2012 1:11 pm

Very depressed today. Can barely get t hought out. All I know is there is a big emptiness inside. If only I hadn't promissed...

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dd-va
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Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2011 11:31 am
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Postby dd-va » Thu Feb 16, 2012 1:38 pm

Mrs. Derby, sorry today is such a hard day for you. Take care

dd-va

Mrsderby
Posts: 73
Joined: Tue Feb 14, 2012 5:21 pm

Postby Mrsderby » Thu Feb 16, 2012 1:48 pm

Question for...whomever. I have developed cognative problems a few years ago. I process information very slowly and my mind gets overloaded easily and I am unable to formulate a response. This has basically wasted my last 2 Dr appts. One Dr thinks it is from my meds for so many years but I don't know. I only know the problem is getting worse. I am 43 years old and can barely carry on a two sided conversation. Does anyone else have this problem? Does anyone have any suggestions? Does anyone have a good joke :lol:

Mags13
Posts: 14
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2012 11:14 pm

Postby Mags13 » Thu Feb 16, 2012 3:54 pm

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling, Mrs. Derby.

on my off days, I really struggle to form sentences, or even to really understand what's being said to me. I guess the best advice I can give you is to not beat yourself about it. I used to really fight it, and really be angry at myself when I was in that state. But now, I accept that I'm going to have those days.

Good joke? :) lemme think about one.. :)


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