Why I am here today

[b.a.rae]

I have never been diagnosed with depression (most likely because no one but a few friends know about it.) I am in college right now and my first semester was so hard I could barley manage to survive it. I was only taking 15 credits, but I hated my classes and being away from my family and friends. I am quite shy and slightly socially awkward so making friends is always a challenge for me.

Some days I would be doing so well. I would laugh and smile, and then this wave of despair would crash over me and all I would want to do is climb in a hole and stay there forever. That makes it very difficult to hide my suddenly changing moods from my family. I am so ashamed of the way I feel. I should be living life to the fullest considering how good my life is (I have to work hard, but I get a lot of what I want), but I never seem to be happy.

My friend thinks my situation is due to the pressure I put on myself to be perfect all the time. Right now I am sitting locked in my dorm room because I don't want anyone to see me like this.

I try so hard to be happy, and sometimes it works, but then I do something, or don't do it, and it all comes crashing down. Like today: I made a promise with my friend that I would talk to this guy I like in my class (we talk a bit but not much). I sat right across from him and couldn't say a word. I felt like my world was just caving in around me because of my failure. I look at myself and say, "Why couldn't you just ask him how his weekend was? Is that so hard to do?"

Every time I take a step forward, I seem to fall back ten. I guess i just need someone to talk to. Someone who won't judge me for what controls my life at times.

And that is what brought me here today.

[longwaydown]

My friend thinks my situation is due to the pressure I put on myself to be perfect all the time. Right now I am sitting locked in my dorm room because I don't want anyone to see me like this.

I try so hard to be happy, and sometimes it works, but then I do something, or don't do it, and it all comes crashing down. Like today: I made a promise with my friend that I would talk to this guy I like in my class (we talk a bit but not much). I sat right across from him and couldn't say a word. I felt like my world was just caving in around me because of my failure. I look at myself and say, "Why couldn't you just ask him how his weekend was? Is that so hard to do?"

Every time I take a step forward, I seem to fall back ten. I guess i just need someone to talk to. Someone who won't judge me for what controls my life at times.

And that is what brought me here today.

I know how you feel or at least I would like to believe I do. I see myself as a failure at most things in my life. Scratch that all things in my life. However I think it's a multitude of things not only pressure you place on yourself. If you ever need anyone to talk to I'll be here to listen, talk to, give feedback/my opinion if you so desire, etc. Basically I'm here for you and you're not alone in this.

[b.a.rae]

Thank you. Knowing that someone knows what I am going through makes me feel a little less alone.

[balcony]

Hi and welcome, b.a.rae. Congratulations on being accepted into college and completing that first semester. 15 credits is usually 5 courses, that is nothing to sneeze at. That is real work!! I think it is great that you have that behind you. The transition to college life both academic and social is a real challenge for many people. You are not alone in how you feel. You might just be more honest and brave to discuss it. I believe that at most institutions there are people like yourself. Finding those people usually takes time. Those that make friends immediately and seem to have it "all together" most times do not. Making friends and building relationships takes work, time, patience and an open spirit. The interesting thing about loneliness, especially away at school, is that it only takes ONE friend to make all the difference. I would suggest you consider joining small groups on campus, things that appeal to you. You might also look into volunteer organizations/community service projects on campus. These are great places to meet people and have something to do. Reach out to the student health services for counseling and support if you need to, they will help and then you can approach your academic dean with concrete reasons why you might need an adjustment in your academic program.
Best of luck to you, consider checking our our chat room too..it might be a place where you can talk about how you are feeling.
Take care.