hey (:

[dan234]

Well I've been on a few different depression chat sites trying to talk to people and tell them my story but they seemed very uncaring and uninterested. Thought maybe i'd post it on here, i dont know why. Well I'll just keep it short instead of telling specifics and just give a broad overview. I got abused very very badly and relentlessly by many people all my childhood and everyone seemed to completely care less about me at all or was actively maliciously hurting me in everyday possible. When I was 15 after nearly seven years of this I could not take any more or live another hour in horrible and severe mental anguish, everyone and everything seemed to compound my problem. I ran into a car and woke up in a hospital where I stayed for a year in a bed. After that I was court ordered into a mental hospital where I stayed for nearly another year, 11 months which only confirmed and reinforced the truth that everyone either really hates me or could absolutely careless. After being released I was followed up with criminal charges and now must pay restitution for the damaged drivers hood. So not only am I someone who is constantly suicidal and in horrific mental pain all the time who everyone hates, but now rightful so as I am a criminal guilty of reckless endangerment and destruction of private property. I am under house arrest court ordered to work at a farm during that day and attend some dumb classes later on but I dont think next time I will fail at failing. I have hated living here so much and think only of the next life which will probably be much worse but I am willing to take my chances. My world has been filled with no empthy sensitivity compassion whatsoever I am just paperwork or a bag to kick to everybody. I'm not even gonna continue it really is pointless.

[Obayan]

I know it's hard for you right now. And I truly am sorry you are in so much pain. CBT, anger management, counseling these are all tools that can help us. I do hope you can find the help you need. I understand the feeling that all is hopeless and no reason to keep fighting. But don't give up. This situation you are in, these feelings you are having right now, they won't last forever. Please don't give up. This is a fight worth winning.

[Gemm50]

Hey Dan
I know full well the pain of abuse as I grew up with it as well, and because of what my mother used to say to me and call me when I was very young also thought that I was bad just because I existed. As a child I used to go behind the barn or in a back field away from the house and look up in the sky and ask for whoever dropped me off here to come get me cause they had left me on the wrong planet. I learned too how to 'escape' at least mentally into other things - books, sex (even though I had been molested), drugs etc - anything so I didn't have to feel anymore.

Some years ago an even happened that got me into counseling and I am forever grateful to a couple of women who helped get me there. It was difficult to relive my life and get really deep inside but I found that by doing that I was able to begin to heal and to reach that little girl that still lived inside of me and begin also to reparent her in a loving and caring way that she had never known. I still fight with some of the issues from time to time and still get some really tough bouts of depression to work through but I have some tools that I learned through counseling to help me and one of those is to find other people who understand what is going on and who care enough to hold out a hand to help me.

I am fairly new here too and haven't shared much yet but have been reading a lot of the posts, stories etc here. I have tried the chat but my eyesight isn't real good and the small print and rapid pace in there give me a migraine so I've just stayed here in the forums. What I have seen so far here helps me with what I am going through right now and I see a lot of reaching out and caring from those here as well. Give us a chance and hopefully we can help you get through too.

Gentle caring hug to you (if you want one)

[balcony]

Gemm, what a lovely post to Dan.... I am sure that does help him. I am sorry to hear that both of you have suffered so much pain in your lives. I hope this place offers both of you a break and a chance to find hope and encouragement through the support of others. Never give up, for every sorrow, there is the hope of a joy too. I wish you both strength and resolve as you battle your depression.