I'm tired of being lucky.

[Sadie]

How terrible is that title? I know, didn't want to come across all emo but I managed to anyway. Emo...that's a word I haven't heard used since the 90s.

Anyway just a breakdown of what's going on, I'm having a breakdown.

I'm 25, I'm employed, I have substantially less debt then all my 'friends', I drive a 2011 Silverado and the winter semester should be my last before graduating.

I randomly breakdown crying.

I don't know if these are what panic/stress attacks are but it's getting harder. I try to joke around, my way of 'coping' or making things not seem so bad but I think I'm getting to the tipping point.

For starters, I'm not in great health. I have degenerative disc disease which means I have a terrible back. I'm 25 and unless they come up with a miracle solution I'll probably be unable to lead a normal life by the time I'm 35 (it's hard enough to do now). I've had surgery, no good. I just finished intensive therapy, no good. I'm trying other options but nothing seems to work, or has been known to work for the majority of people (the few it does work on, are usually old and die before the effects can wear off).

I'm 25 and still a virgin. Hell I've never been to second base yet. When I was younger and the PC just starting I was probably one of the first few kids exposed to an online predator. It never went to the cops after my mom found out but it was scarring and scary and kept me away from boys in general. Now I think it's too late. If not for the fact that it's almost impossible to try and say I have no idea what I'm doing at this point, it's even harder to find someone willing to take it slow enough for it to work.

My mom constantly talks about jumping off a cliff. She's told me before that I'm the only reason she's still alive. If it wasn't for me she'd kill herself, recently I learned she drove her car into oncoming traffic a few years ago, shortly after her dad died.

I still live at home with my mother. I love her very much, she's done everything for my younger sister and me.

I drive a 2011 Silverado that my dad bought. The only thing I got to pick out about it was the one color I DIDN'T want.

I'm lucky. I hear about it all the time. I've got a really well off dad and a mom that cares about me. Here where I live with my mother, we don't know anyone truly above the poverty line. We're all lower class and live paycheck to paycheck, on state aid, or not even managing to get by. I never here the end of how lucky I am.

My dad bought me a boat for my birthday. I boat that is 600 miles away, a boat that I don't want, or need. But I'm lucky.

My dad bought me a new car when I was 22. 'to be fair' six months later he bought my sister, who was 18 a brand new car.

My sister is a taker. I love her to death, but the reverse can't be said. I would and have done anything for my sister, but when I ask for a favor, or help I get turned down, when I tell her all the times I helped her I hear,
"You didn't have to." "You helped me because you wanted to" etc.

My sister rear ended someone in Oct., both our insurances are in my fathers name and he's been paying for it. He owns his own company which has a fleet of trucks, so the insurance for our vehicles through his plan is extremely low.

Rather than tell our father she got in an accident (because he told both of us that one accident and he'd take the vehicles) She decided to ignore it and attempted to buy the guy she hit off. (we are a no fault state, so unless he sued for medical, the most he could get is $500. It's typical to just offer $600 cash and avoid the claims on the insurance, however THIS WASN'T HER INSURANCE PLAN). She told me about it and I told her she needed to tell our father. When she said no, I washed my hands of it.

The guy is suing for medical, and of course, my father found out yesterday.

He's livid.

Of course my sister is doing nothing but crying about how he took her car (even though I told her that if she was honest up front, he'd be pissed, but he wouldn't take her car) how she can't get to work/school etc.

My mother (who also told her to call our father, but she didn't walk away from it like I did, instead she would listen whenever my sister called about the situation, making her own stress worse) tried to explain that my sister needed to realize that when she does stuff like this, she isn't the only one affected (effected?).

Of course my sister doesn't understand.

She doesn't know that my mother and father are now not in speaking terms again.

She doesn't know that this could ruin my dad's company because of insurance issues (accidents are supposed to be reported immediately. My sister works for an insurance company as a secretary. SHE KNOWS THIS).

She doesn't care that this has caused trouble between my dad and his wife.

Doesn't know that my mother has mentioned killing herself several times over the stress of it all.

Doesn't understand that I'm the one that gets to sit in silence and listen to everyone tell me how bad it is for them.

I'm the one that gets to listen as my dad rants and tells me how it was a bad idea to get 'you girls' new cars. Or that how I might have to take over car payments on a vehicle I never asked for and certainly can't afford. Or how he has to remove both 'you girls' from his insurance to be 'fair' because it would be 'wrong' to just take my sister off and not me.

I'm one semester from graduating. If the above becomes reality I will have to drop out. I was already hoping for my dad to help with next semester's bills as neither financial aid nor loans will cover my books and classes. I was just off for two months because of my back and despite paying into short term disability for SIX YEARS they denied my claim, despite the fact that I have a DOCUMENTED ILLNESS that has already been operated on, with medical records stating this illness will not improve, and will only get worse with time.

I have no friends outside of those people I see at work, and when I came back from medical I was asked to transfer to a failing store-the reason? Upper management want to send in a capable manager to clean house. It means they think I'm good at my job, but I get to be the bad guy, and now I don't see anyone from my old store, because we never hung out, outside of work, but they were the closest things I had to friends.

So back to the crying. So far I've been good at it, right before bed, when mom is at work, on the way home from work/school.

I'm sure this is way too long with too many errors both spelling and grammar to really be read, but I figure, it can't hurt. Everyone says getting it off your chest is best right? I don't feel that way at all right now.

But I'm lucky. I know that. I have a mother who loves me, and a father who is well off. I know it could be so much worse then it is which makes this even harder, I don't like to complain, I don't like to whine. So I just say nothing.

[jkbills61]

Hang in there, Sadie. You have come to this site because who want someone to listen. And I am listening. take care.

[Obayan]

Hi. I'm sorry things seem so difficult at the moment. Unfortunately, we can't force another person to behave the way we wish them to. I hope things work out for you soon. Have you spoken to a counselor?