Where to next? (possible trigger)

[MEWA]

I'm not sure exactly when I realized what was going on between me and a close family friend when we were playing a "game". But I do remember how I felt, and still feel afterwards. I remember hating the idea of being alone with him. I hated going to sleep at night. Everything. I didn't really act as a depressed child. I guess you could say I acted as any other child would. I never told my parents. My 9th grade year of high school, I began to cut myself, not as an attempted suicide, but because it was something *I* could control. It was then I finally told 2 of my very close friends. It felt good to get it off my chest, although I never told them extent of it. Just that it happened for a couple of years. It was never abusive, just rape and poof... that was it. I guess I could consider myself lucky I didn't get beat along with it.

I started acting out as teenager. My mom thought it was normal teenage girl hormones. But she could also sense something was wrong because she asked a lot of suspicious questions. I acted like she was crazy. My 11th grade year, I was seeing a guy. I said I wouldn't give him a BJ. He pinned me down and pried my mouth open for about 15 mins until I couldn't fight anymore. I tried to bite him, anything to get him to stop, but he had his fingers perfectly placed to where I wasn't able. So this is sexual assault from man #2. Finally, my Sr year, just a regular friend, who was known to sometimes be sexually aggressive, told my SIL at the time that he was going to have his way with me when I met up with him later that day. Thankfully she has enough sense to tell someone. So all of my brothers, along with a close friend who also happened to be a SWAT officer were waiting for him. Needless to say, he didn't get what he was after. So this time, I am very thankful It didnt happen again.

I left home at the age of 18, not because I hated my family. I actually LOVE my family. We get along great, usually. But because I met a man online that I loved, So I moved in with him. We were together for 2 1/2 years and had a child together, who is now almost 2. We went our separate ways because he was addicted to ----- and video games and I was constantly finding naked pictures of his girl friends on the computer (big ego booster......). A few months later, I got involved with another man. From the get-go I could tell he was different. I never had to worry about anything with him. I never had the jealous insecure feeling I had with any previous boyfriends. It was nice. Until I found out he was saying all the things he was saying to me, to another woman. It wouldn't be so bad, but we are (yes Im still with him) living together and planning a wedding. We argue all the time. I mean all the time. It ALWAYS ends up being my fault. Im always having to apologize, never him. I have 2 STD's. One from the father of my child. and Now one from this one. Neither of which I knew had... So I feel like Im stuck in this relationship because no one will want me. I'm scared now when we argue, not because of him really, but because of myself. I'm starting to get violent, I push him (hard), i throw things, I punch doors. From all the built up anger and the secrets Ive kept from everyone except 2 friends, its all I can do...

To top it off, the daughter I have... The non-legal custody agreement I have with her father until she is school age, is she stays with one parent for 6 months and the other for the next 6 months. In Jan is when I have to give her up. Its hard. I cry about it daily. Her whole life, I've been the one with her. I quit everything to be a stay at home mom for her. I can't imagine a day without her. And knowing that she will be confused and scared when Im not there (because her father doesnt talk much to her, she doesnt really know him) it hurts. It feels like Im betraying the one person Im always supposed to love and care for. But Im also the person who hates when other people are mad or when I hurt other people.

I cry all the time. Im close to my family but I never want to burden them with my problems. I have no energy or interest in doing anything.. I don't know where else to go but here....[/b]

[Obayan]

This was a good start towards getting help. The next step is talking to a counselor. It can help. I did group therapy for survivors of sexual assault. A book we used was "the courage to heal". A wonderful wonderful book that helped me tremendously.

[Obayan]

Haven't heard from you in a while. Just wondering how you are getting on hon.

[MEWA]

I'm doing fine. Just been busy with holiday preparations. Tried finding that book at stores this past weekend but couldn't. Looks like I'll have to order online. Thanks for the book title

[Obayan]

yeah, i had to special order my copy too. It helped a lot though and was so worth it.