Depression Understood Forums

Hey guys, just cooling down after a massive rage. I tend to bottle my emotions so, well today my bottle "fell over" per say. i cant not bottle my emotions, well for 1 I refuse to cry in public or as to say basically look weak in front of people.. or rather my mom has gotten tired of hearing my problems so I cant go to her. If I go to the school for help they will think I'm crazy then I'll get yelled at at home... So I have noone to go to for these situations so I just tend to bottle every bad thought up. Which brings me to days like these were the slightest fragment of anger ticks me off and i explode. That is when I normally move to a different room and punch my pillow, WHY DOES THAT MAKE IT WORSE?! my pillow isnt hard enough I suppose or at least thats how I feel at the time, that it dosnt help or is ineffective, though I need to punch something. Then when I cant do anything about my rage i normmally burst into tears and holding it all in my throat starts to hurt very badly i dont know why but it does it eveytime my throat would hurt and it would become very hard to breath. I'm no normal 15 year old girl I suppose, I guess being in debt is a scary thing, my parents cant control themselves financially and im the one that hast to pay by not eating lunches or dinners or having to pack a few times because we thought we were going to loose the house. I'm tired of being poor and this stresses me. I get so hungrey everyday at lunch and sometimes it makes me want to cry because i cant eat. Quite frankly my mind is poisoned with thoughts of death, although i could never take my life, or cut myself or do harm in that such I can wait till The army kills me.
Yea I said it. I want to join the army and I dont even want to think about after I get out of the army because I might not so why should I? I want to be on the front lines in the army a girl or not and If i make it back thats great if not oh well less worries i hear in heaven. I so chronically depressed and not being about to talk about it or get help for it hurts the most. I might be this way all my life.. God help me. That is all.

Sincerely,
Andrea

Hi. I grew up in a very bad home. Once I was old enough, I joined the army. I thought much the same way as you did. But something changed. When I got to basic training, it was halfway across the continent. I realised, nobody knows me here. Nobody knows anything about me. Dressed in the same uniforms, nobody can tell anything about me. I used it as an opportunity to become the kind of person I want to be. I used it as a chance to make a whole new life for myself. One I could be proud of and maybe someday be happy in. I know the Army isn't for everyone. But for some, like me, it was a godsend. I learned a good usefull trade. I got married, had children. Now I stay at home and take care of my grandbabies. I hope it helps you as much as it helped me. Take advantage of the oportunites ahead of you. If this is what you plan on doing anyway, make the most of it.