whats the point in living anymore?

[shalawr]

hi all, im new here.

i dont really want to go into too much detail about my past, but like some of you i experienced alot of physical n emotional abuse, until i was finally taken into care. Ive struggled with depression, ever since i can remember but have never really got help for it. In my teens i suffered with bulimia as a way of coping but then recovered. however i went through it again at the age of 28. Im now 32 and have recovered but i now rely on alcohol to keep me going but im getting fed up of having the constant hangovers.

Im also married and have 5 kids!!, and my hubby works away from home. i find it hard to cope but still manage to get everything sorted for my kids. I make sure i can get out of bed to get the kids into school because that way i can go back to sleep. I dont have any friends because i never feel like talking to anyone n no one talks to me either.

The last year has been rough and i have hit rock bottom. Me and my husband have grown apart (which i think is my fault cos im never happy). Also i was convinced he was having n affair last year, as i saw rude txt messages on his phone. But to cut a long story short i slept with another man and got pregnant. My baby is 6 months now n both me n my hubby know that its not my husbands baby (as hubby had vasectomy over 6 yrs ago). Hubby however just wants us all to b happy n forget what happened though n for us all to b a family.

Anyway i feel terrible for my behaviour towards my hubby n my family. i get violent when i drink and just feel it would be best if i was away from everybody. Does anyone know what treatment would be best to make me feel better than i feel right now?