No judging,just listening. (triggering material)

[SoSad]

color=violet][/color]Hi, this is my first post and this is really hard. I remember when i was about 8 or so getting in bouts where i wanted to be alone. I was basically happy, well cared and provided for. No shortage of money, or love from my mom or grandma, (dad was rarely home due to job) had lots of friends, excellent grades, basically pretty normal childhood. Always wished my Dad was more like mybest friends dad or myfav uncle. They spent time with their daughters,loved their little girls, whereas i felt like i was a bother, not worthy didntmake my dad proud. Years later imnow 46 i realize that that was no fault of mine, it was his and he never really cared for his daughter like he did his "son". That was the beginning of my screwedupness. Went thru issues with weight and normal teenage angst but was still happy , cheerful, popular. Met a guy at 16 fell in love, had two children one at 19 and one at 23. Went thru the basic trials and tribulations of life well. Was usually happy and if i wasnt it wasnt due to something abnormal. Never ever taljed to anybody about feelings or problems. Life continues and great relationship for over 20 years. Still sameman but i dont know, im never happy, cry often, and pray to God every night to pkease just let me go to sleep and not wake up. Put on such agood face for all these years no one ever knowing how unhappy i was or am. Dont know what to do. Only joy i ever have is from my 3 year old grandson. Nothing else makes me happy , have no energy or desire to do anything. My husband has been mentally, and verbally abusive for along timewith it getting progressively worse and ocassionally physically abusive. I tgink about all the stuff ive done wrong and all the regrets i have all the time. I dont know am hoping just verbalizing this will make me feel better i dont know, think i could seriously benefit from therapy, but thats NOT happening. Just feel so hopeless, sad, alone. Sorry for taking up so much space so I'll stop.

[Eric0620]

Dear SoSad,

I'm pleased to meet you! My name is Eric, I'm almost 42, I have fought depression for years, and am fighting depression now. You made the right choice coming here looking for help and everyone who is here hurts in many ways.

I am so sorry about the pain you are experiencing. I, too, have several of the things you listed that are hurting you and can relate to them. I'm sometimes deflecting suicidal thoughts, and have had many experiences with suicidal depression where I, regrettably, made attempts to kill myself, but am convinced that God more or less was saying to me, "No Eric --- you are not coming home yet because there is so much I need you to do." I understand this better now than I did at the time, and it was pretty humbling.

I would not let your husband be abusive to you, verbally, mentally, and least of all physically. None of these are acceptable, least of all physically. It does NOT matter, period, even if you did something that upset him, there is simply NO justification for it, so never believe for one second that you deserve it! You don't, and nobody does --- I don't care how bad their day was.

May I ask one question? If you don't want to answer, then it's ok --- I'm not trying to pry. But you said receiving therapy was out, and if you're not uncomfortable shedding some light on it, I'm curious why you feel that way? There is no shame in getting help, if it is that you are embarrassed about needing to get help. For 23 years I have been receiving therapy and because the source of my depression is from a family history of it, I know and accept that I will need therapy for the rest of my life. I don't know for sure what the reason is that you are resistant to it. Again, if you would rather not answer it, it's ok, but would encourage you to reconsider that idea.

Please try not to give-in to suicidal thoughts. I know I have tried it before, but I can honestly say that I have learned there are more constructive ways of dealing with the pain. You are definitely not alone, and I hope and pray you will come through this. If you want to talk more, I'm more than happy to listen. Please take care, SoSad.

((((((((((((((((((((SoSad))))))))))))))))))))

Sincerely,
Eric

[hollyann]

(((((((sosad)))))))

I echo what eric said.

holly

[Eric0620]

Hi SoSad,

I don't mean to come across as trying to pry, but with you not wanting to do therapy --- is part of it that you are concerned about your husband? Maybe concerned about him belittling you for the idea or being more abusive?

If I'm "crossing-the-line" with my question, I'm sorry about that. It stems from a concern for you being happy in life again, and not me trying to be nosy about your problems. I'm a big believer in therapy, but maybe you have a lot of good reasons for it.

Hope you're doing well --- take care, SoSad!

Sincerely,
Eric