So i don't get ahead of my self let me tell you a little about my personality, i'm very secretive i have nothing to hide its just my style, i'm extremely observant almost to a fault i spend to much time noticing my surroundings i almost forget what i'm engaging my self in at the moment, i love to educate myself i'm constantly reading up on what ever i'm interested in. my lack of a need for interpersonal relationships has given me the opportunity to completely alienate myself from all of my friends except a select few, but i feel they are on there way out too. i still live with my family(i'm 19, so i hope thats not too weird) so i'm not a complete loner.
I'm writing this while i'm having a minor anxiety attack and also craving my next camel filter, so i hope i'm not jumping to different topics randomly kind of like i just did
anyways, when i was about 15-16 give or take, my doctors diagnosed me with what they call "Clinical Depression" Generalized Anxiety Disorder" and "OCD Tendencies"(i don't think thats a real disorder). so for a while i was taking the usually meds. Adderall(spellcheck?) ritlalin and i went thru a couple anti-depresants(i was 16 mind you). i was on this cocktail for about 3 years i stopped the uppers before the anti-depresants a year later . through those years i was stable, naturaly shy, but stable. i managed to hold close relationships and 2 girlfriends, althiough they only lasted about a month or so and i know that dosen't typically qualify for a real relationship but hey im quite proud of myself given my current stuaution. so im really not going to give much more detail than that i think you get the picture.
so here i am, no meds no friends, no girlfriend. i work part time and manage to support my self pay check to pay check. i don't skateboard anymore, i don't play guitar anymore.....i spend way to much time on the computer.....its very hard for me to now talk to girls, i always feel sexual tension but its all in my head, its hard for me to meet new people. i cant hold a conversation too well due to my lack of adult life experance(im completly irrelivant). i feel like there is somthing terribly wrong with me....like im just really odd. which then adds to a lack of confidence and then effects my interaction with other people, its a cycle. and knowive gotten to the point of my rant where ive forgotten why and what section ive posted this under so if anyone gets this far im very very GRATEFUL i know i didnt say much but this is HUGE for me ive never explained this much to anyone not even my old theripests or family....again im very very greatfull for your time i feel alone in this time in my life and i just need someone even if its the internet to here me
P.S. also im having an anxiety attack over a lie i told today, i amde a comment about someone i dont even know, i never lie i dont know why i did it but i couldnt controll my words at the time, and i have a feeling its going to "blow up" tomorow......this should show how irrational i am