Why am I always crying?

[crybaby]

Hi,

I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl in May this year and I'm currently staying home to look after her all by myself. I will be going back to work next month.

Recently, I seem to be in low spirits. I blame it on my unsupportive husband, who does not seem to be there for me when I need him. For some strange reason, I keep on comparing the level of support I got when I gave birth to my first child. Back then, we would discuss parenting methods and how to resolve baby's crying. Now, I feel I'm doing everything all on my own.

To make things worse, he would leave me and the two kids at home on some weekends to pursue his interests. I feel very upset that he has taken me for granted and feel that his interests could wait till the kids were older and less demanding. I've written him a letter expressing my thoughts and disappointment. He replied the letter but made no commitment to be there for me in times of need. He feels that what he's doing now is important and will continue to do so.

I've started having thoughts on whether I made the right decision to have a 2nd child, and why things can't ever be the same again. I miss the days when my husband had time for me and we could sit down to discuss anything under the sun. Now, I don't even know him and I feel upset with him over every little thing. Although I don't openly argue with him, I end up crying everyday whenever I have unhappy thoughts.

Am I on the road to depression already? I feel disturbed that I'm crying all the time. I don't even know if it'll affect the baby. Sometimes she sees me in tears and I feel sorry that she has to see me cry. Should I seek help? I don't know where to start...

[Eric0620]

Hello my friend --- I would rather call you something more suitable, because even though I know you're hurting deeply and cry quite a bit, calling or referring to you as a crybaby just sounds too much of a put-down, and you don't deserve that. If I may, how about I refer to you as "Walking Wounded"?

I'm not going to pretend to have all the answers to the things hurting you in your life. I'm sorry your husband is not showing all his due responsibility like he use to. He should have more of an interest than he is showing/doing, and I can't imagine what that is all about.

Please DON'T have regrets about having the second baby. I have two sons, and they are such a joy and wouldn't trade them up for anything. Your second baby was meant to be, and maybe some good spirit-lifting would be to focus on both your babies. Taking care of them to help keep your mind off things, at least for a while, might help.

You asked if you should seek help --- yes, I think that would be a wonderful thing to help you. I don't know if you have ever talked to therapists before about pain in your life, but it is very helpful. I have been seeing therapists for 23 years now, and have a really good one who has his own practice. Before, I went to a therapy business where there were multiple therapists. That was fine, except that often the therapist I had would "move on" to another company or get their own practice, and then I'd have to re-hash everything about myself all over again with a new therapist, and it got kind of old. So the last time it happened, I decided to go with him to his own practice. My advice would be to seek someone you feel comfortable with that has his/her own practice.

Again, I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time. You made the right choice coming here, though. I just joined this forum a week ago today and feel it has done me a world of good in coping with my issues of hurting and it being a good "outlet" for me. So please come here and feel free to keep letting us know that you hurt and need support. Everyone here will listen and give it to you.

Take care, Walking Wounded, and I'll pray for you.

Sincerely,
Eric

[Obayan]

Hi. I'm so sorry things are so hard right now. I agree with Eric, don't regret the second baby. It is a true miracle and such a source of love and pride.

I don't know if this is your husband or not, but some men find it overwhelming trying to provide for a family (especially one that's growing) and in today's economy are stressed about being able to provide. Instead of confronting these feelings and concerns with their partner, they try to work harder or be away more so they don't have to face it. The only thing I know for sure is you really need to sit down and talk to him. Both of you be open and honest. And i do mean talk, not argue. There has to be some type of happy medium found. You can't do it alone.

Also sounds like you need to talk to a therapist. Post partum can be hard to go thru on your own without any kind of support system.

I do hope you find the help you are looking for.

[crybaby]

Hi,

I'm inclined to think that my hb is not stressed about being able to provide. For one, we both run the family with a joint income. In fact, I was upset that he was reluctant to cover my share of monthly contribution even though I'm without salary for 2 months as I took no-pay leave to take care of my baby till she's 6 mths. I'm starting to lose confidence that he will see me or the family through during difficult times. How will I depend on him to provide for the family if I should lose my job one day, when he wouldn't even double up for just 2 months?

I think I have a lot of frustration bottled up inside me and I don't even know where to begin if and when I do find the time to talk. Maybe that's what's causing me to hurt and cry all the time. I did make an attempt by writing him a note to let him know my feelings and frustrations. I haven't seen any change of behaviour since, which makes me feel that he doesn't value what I think. It's incredibly frustrating coz' sometimes when we do talk, I don't find him acknowledging my feelings but trying to justify his actions.

I'm not quite sure where to find help in Singapore. Even if I do, how do I go for therapy with baby in tow? By the time I get back to work, I would be too busy for counselling. I'm just praying very hard that time will heal my sorrow and perhaps when I get back to work, I will be so busy that I will forget I was ever in pain.