Depression Understood Forums

Hello. I've been dealing with chronic pain for 10+ years now. This has caused all sorts of emotional problems with me. Although I think the depression was probably there before the pain, I don't remember when it started as well as I remember the day my life died.

Now what do I mean by "The day my life died"? Though I'd already had back problems as a teenager, a few months after my 18th birthday, I was a passenger in a horrible car accident that left me with permanent injuries. I had planned to go to college, taking the summer off to work and save up some money before I moved several states away. I was set on being a motorcycle mechanic, Harleys were my specialty. Being a girl.. the college was very excited to have me. Not many women choose to go into that profession. The car accident stopped that. I was in physical therapy for almost 4 years. Chiropractic still, massage therapy when I can afford it. The injuries to my spine were so severe that I can no longer risk bending over, the discs in my low back aren't stable enough for that. The top vertebrae in my neck, the one right under my skull is twisted to the left. So I suffer from chronic neck and back pain. Because of this I am no longer able to do the things I love to do in life. I couldn't go to college right away and now the career that I would have loved is not within my reach. I've tried doing other jobs but haven't been able to keep them due to the severe pain I'm in most every day. Some days are better than others though. Some days the pain isn't all that bad, it's there but I can ignore it and enjoy chatting with a friend or maybe watching a movie. Most days, standing is excruciating and walking... not for long.

So I don't get out much. I have almost no life. If it weren't for my wonderful husband, I don't know what I'd do. He tells me how proud he is of me for all I've been through and that I can still do it with a smile on my face. Beyond my pain, I was abused by my first husband for most of the time we were together, 7 years total. And there were other things in my past that I won't go into detail. Needless to say, I haven't had the easiest of times. So when my husband tells me how proud he is to call me his wife, how astonished he is at how I've made it through the things I have and despite the pain I'm in, what I'm still willing to do... it feels good. But when he's at work and I sit in this house and do nothing... my brain gets the better of me. I dwell on things that aren't nice, things that are dark, things that I want to forget. The pain is a constant reminder that I am not able to just go do something, so I sit there and think.

Though the pain I suffer every day, hurts more than I can accurately describe, it is also a reminder that I am alive when I shouldn't be. I should have died in that wreck. The EMT's who responded were amazed that we lived. So I both Love and Hate the pain. I feel guilty sometimes because I just want the pain to end. I don't believe in suicide but the pain depresses me so much. I cry thinking about never being able to be pain free. Never being able to do things that normal people do. If we ever have children, I won't be able to pick them up and that thought makes me cry the most.

Last night was not a good night for me. I have major troubles with sleep. I was up all night again while my husband slept alone in our bed. He understands that I'm rarely able to get a full nights sleep... at night... and all in one shot. I've been dealing with insomnia about as long as the depression. My doctor thinks it's linked and I agree.

Those nights are worse than the days when he's at work. At least when he's at work during the day, other people are awake and I might have someone to talk to. During the night? People I know are usually asleep.

Last night I sat here, thinking of everything that's wrong with my life. Losing my job last year. That one I actually liked and had been with the company for 3 years. Then one day, they just let me go, saying that they couldn't keep me because of my health.

Struggling to keep my house though I don't want it anymore. I bought it when I had barely turned 20, with my first husband. I was able to keep it in the divorce and now it's a dead weight for us. We want to move to a more prosperous community but I have this house, that I can't sell and can't afford once we move.

My health and having no health insurance. My doctors made a major breakthrough with my physical health... right before I lost my job. Now we can't afford the treatments. It would only benefit my neck and not my lower back, which I need surgery on but it was a start.

Being diagnosed with PCOS and being told that my suspicions were correct. I am unable to get pregnant by old fashioned means. Among other health side affects, such as weight gain (which makes me feel worse). I love children and have always wanted one of my own. My husband, the wonderful man that he is, jokes that we can "rent to own" one if we never get pregnant but I know he wants one of his own. Without money, we can't afford the fertility treatments. And even if we could.. if those don't work, en vitro is crazy expensive.

My husband is looking for a new job in a bigger city. One that will support both of us and a child should we have one, so that I don't have to work. He wants me to be able to get the healthcare and treatment that I need for my pain, insomnia and depression. Unfortunately he suffers from anxiety so this is not going well. He keeps putting it off because looking for a job and thinking about moving make him have panic attacks. I feel guilty when I push him to look but I want out of this town. This town, just like several other small towns, is dying. There's nothing here for us. It's more depressing every day. We have no friends here because we practically know everyone in town and those we know.. we don't care for. I feel guilty for relying on him when I've always been self-sufficient. I feel guilty for making him take care of me, putting all the responsibility on his head to find us a new life because I'm unable to.

So I was thinking about all of that last night and more... sometimes I just wish I could shut my brain off.

Hi Anguisette,

That is very brutal what you've been through and am so sorry. As far as the excrucitating pain, I had one friend who passed away that was so miserable from back pain --- he was a landscaper and 6' 6". Between the two it did a number on him. My wife is the other --- she did retail for 18 years with a lot of physical tasks, and unfortunately it is catching up with her. She has good and bad days like you, but yours are far more extensive.

I wasn't trying to compare your pain with either my wife nor my friend who past away, but rather that I've seen firsthand with both of them how unbearable the physical pain is and how it takes a toll on those like you suffering it. Sounds like you have a wonderful husband who obviously loves you for you, as it should be, and is a great, supportive person for you. Probably a dumb question for me to ask, but pain meds don't do anything at all? My wife can't take prescription pain meds because it makes her sick, feverish, etc. and only takes liquid Tylenol --- she had gastric bypass back in 2008 and because of her stomach being no larger than an egg, there are absorption issues and only the liquid Tylenol is acceptable. Sometimes I honestly wish I could trade bodies with her now and then just so she can have a break from the pain. Again, I'm not trying to compare your pain to hers, but just that I know it's so hard to watch someone being in so much pain. I will pray for you to have relief from both physical and emotional pain. Take care, Anguisette, and hugs for you!

Sincerely,
Eric

Thank you Eric. I can't take pain meds because I can't afford them and they leave me in a fog that I can't stand. Muscle relaxers are sometimes better but again, no way to get them. Since I have no medical insurance, it means I can't afford to see the doctor.

I spoke with my husband when he got home from work and we're going to look at the job listings together tonight. We're also going to widen the search and look for jobs outside of the state we live in. We're willing to basically move wherever so he can get a better job and I can get better care.

I appreciate your understanding. Not many know what it's like to live with constant pain every day. Because of the friends you had in your life, you know what the struggle looks like. To most everyone else, it looks like a grab for attention or worse, that I'm lazy or a pill popper. Even my own family didn't believe the pain until a few years ago.

I'm sorry about that --- that there is not insurance for you and not being able to have the meds. I really have to say that Maryland has great health care --- Johns Hopkins, Washington Hospital Center, etc. No, believe me I know you aren't lazy or a pill popper --- you just want relief which is understandable. It's amazing some people can't see that.

Take care, Anguisette!

Sincerely,
Eric

Hi Anguisette --- just thought I'd say hello again and hope you're doing okay. I hope there were some promising prospects with the job listings! Take care, and hope to hear from you when you have time.

Sincerely,

Eric

Thanks Eric! Hello! I'm doing ok. Today I'm a little pissed though. My bro-in-law wants me to fix his relationship with a mutual friend over something that happened more than 3 years ago. They want nothing to do with him and I can't make him see that it can't be all about him. So we just had an hour long argument over it because he's so completely self absorbed that he can't see how he's acting.

Other than that, we're still looking for a new job for my husband. Hopefully we'll find something soon!

Hi Anguisette - oh the joys of dealing with family. They're half the reason we all have issues! LOL. I'm surprised he doesn't just talk directly to them, but from what you're saying I guess he knows he'd get shot down that way.

Glad to hear you're doing ok otherwise! Hope everything works-out with the job hunting. Take care, and talk to you later!

Hi Anguisette,

Just wanted to say hi and see how you're doing. I hope well, and that things are working out for the job hunt elsewhere. Take care and hope to hear from you soon!

Sincerely,

Eric