Depression Understood Forums

Not very good at these introduction threads, and on other forums I belong to it's the happy fluffy stuff I put out there... Not my dark side.

Female, born 1971 in Kansas City, MO, USA. 12th child in a family of 13. 9 brothers, 3 sisters, all from the same parents... I know, I know... Irish Catholics. What more can I say..

I had a great childhood. We moved to Colorado when I was 3, the whole clan except my oldest brother whom was in the military, and my oldest sister whom was in college. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my Colorado mountains, if you've ever been here you'd know why.

My first bout with depression was when I was 14. One of my brothers committed suicide, and I just didn't know how to deal. I didn't speak a word for a month, and after that was forever changed. 8 months later my Dad was diagnosed with cancer, and passed when I was 16. I began smoking, and playing around with drugs. Wasn't much of a drinker, but at this time Mom sure was. She was never mean or bitter, but kinda removed from us last 3 that were at home..

I dropped out of high school, and Mom made me start paying rent. She explained that school was my "job", and if I wasn't going to go to school I was gonna have to pay my own way like every other red blooded American. It was good for me, and I got a job at a local daycare center, where I got my GED, and an early childhood development degree. During this time I continued to party, and met my husband. We dated for a few years and were married in 1991. We moved from my hometown, to the plains of Northern Colorado. My sister had a restaurant, and he became her head cook, me a waitress. It was a happy time, I loved our new town, a college town and lot's of people my age, and lot's of parties, camping, outdoor activities and fun to be had.

In 1994 I became a mother, the the sweetest little bundle I had ever seen, and I can't even remember life without her. She was my everything, and still is... More on this later. My husband left the restaurant for a better job money wise, but the hours killed us. He worked graveyards, and I worked days. When he was home he was sleeping, and I had to keep the baby, animals, and house totally quiet at all times. He began listening in on all my calls, to family and friends, accusing me of stepping out on him, and became very controlling and violent. I couldn't even go to the market without him "paging" me every few minutes.. And if I didn't drop everything and find a payphone there was hell to pay when I got home.

This began my second bout with depression, and was a very dark lonely time in my life. I awoke one morning to women's voices in my living room, and upon entering the room, found 3 strippers, and a few of my husbands buddies and him all playing strip poker. I got hit right there and then for interrupting his party, and he left with our only car for 4 days. When he returned I got the beating of my life, and was told where my place should be. When he went to work that night, I packed what I could and me and my daughter moved out and never looked back.

I lived with my sister for a year, and finally got an apartment, but had to put down my beloved dog, cause it was low income housing, no pets allowed. The next 10years are a bit of a blur. I worked my ass off, saved money, chased him for child support and built a life for me and Swiss.. (I'll call her Swiss here, cause with her curls she looks like the Swiss Miss kid on the hot chocolate box). During this time I lost my mother, and had another bad bout of depression. Even with my large family I felt orphaned, and alone. I did talk therapy for about a year. No med's at this point, and the therapy helped, but I felt like I was "paying" for a friend, cause I could NEVER tell my real friends or family how F#@"%ed in the head I really was. Makes me feel gross just typing about it....

A few boyfriends, schmucks I supported, and were probably more drinking buddies, than partners... I pretty much gave up on finding "the one".. I also found out during this time that my mom had been hospitalized a few times for depression. My brothers and sisters didn't say that, they say she had a few nervous breakdowns, and looking back at my brother's suicide, and her drinking I put two and two together. Other brothers and sisters have struggled with depression too. So I guess it's in our blood.

So fast forward to today.... I am in a relationship with a man, he and I have been together for 7 years, and together have a 5 year old, and 3 year old. He also has a teen daughter, which is how he and I met, through our kids. We have all 4 girls living with us. I was treated for postpartum depression after our 5 year old was born, and currently take Prozac, and a whole slew of vitamins just to feel normal.

Well the last 18 months or so have been really rough. I got a DUI in January of 2010, and am on probation, he is currently serving time in a work release program for a DUI he got. Here's where things are still really fresh, and totally out of control. Swiss is now 16, and was also being treated for depression, well she and I had a huge fight on Labor Day, and the police came to my house. She told them she was going to kill herself, and they took her away that night to a local hospital for evaluation. While there she called her Dad, and he called social services... I am now under investigation for child endangerment, and until my meeting later today 9-15-11 DHS will not allow me to be alone with my children. My SO has not been supportive at all, and is becoming very irrational, and mean so I have no support from him. After the accusations he made yesterday, I don't think he and I will be together anymore. So here I am, Swiss is gone with her Dad, and I'm fighting, fighting, fighting, alone again, with everything I've got to keep my babies.. I'm just so tired, and lost.... A body without a soul. I PUT MYSELF HERE....

God that was long... I'll post more after the weekend, and this meeting. I don't have a computer at home right now, just at work, and I'm off at 3 today for this meeting.. Not back till Monday... Thanks for reading... I feel a bit better putting this out there, but oh so ICKY at the same time.

(((( mountainmama )))) sending warm hugs your way hon. I hope it gets better soon for you. Don't give up fighting. This is a battle worth winning.

Just a quick update..
I have been cleared to be alone with my children, and everything was going great.. My daughter came for a visit this last weekend.. I picked her up Saturday. Her Dad's place is a total slum, in a really bad neighborhood. Very small, and really dirty... I can't believe she'd choose that over our small town, with great neighbors, and a clean house...

We had a great time, but she was going back today.. went through a lot of Pictures last night, and cried myself to sleep.. Been crying ever since. I'm so tired, worried, and scared.. I've never been without her, and feel very lost, and alone, even with my other kiddo's.. I feel I'm no good to any of them, and without her so empty and not whole.

I can't even put the words down, I'm so upset... Just never take anything for granted, as I did for so long.. Seeing her sleeping in her bed this weekend made me feel so great, so comfortable, and so full..... Now I;m just an empty shell, floating along the current.

Hi Mountain_Mamma,

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. Please know you are surrounded by friends here who care, and I will certainly pray for you and an end to your suffering. You certainly have had more than your fair share of misery.

There is an expression I've heard and I think that it is so appropriate here --- "we are as sick as our secrets". You have had so much pain in your life, more than you deserved, but now that you were courageous enough to share it with us, you will truly start to heal now. It may not happen overnight and it will undoubtedly be challenging being patient while you are on the road to recovery, but you will get there and we are cheering you on all the way. I'm inspired by your story to keep myself on my own road to recovery, and am drawing strength from you. Thank you so much for that --- I need that right now, more than ever, with the lows I'm having. "What does not destroy me, makes me stronger." As long as we remember this and pray for release from our pain, we will be victorious. I'm so happy that there are no restrictions with being alone with your children. The powers that be saw that it was ridiculous to impose that on you.

Lots of hugs and prayers for you and your family.

- Eric

Just a quick update...

My girl that has moved to Denver to be with her Dad, hasn't called or texted in days.. She's supposed to come up this weekend, and now is telling me her new cat is having kittens any day and she doesn't want to leave and miss it. I'm BUMMED....

Also found out her Dad hasn't gotten any of the stuff she needed started or completed. She's been shopping, out to eat, saw a Rockies game, went to an amusement park, and an Imax movie... DISNEYLAND DAD... She is not in school yet, hasn't started her counseling for the suicide threat from last month, he wont let her attend the family counseling my family is doing, and hasn't followed up on her probation. Found out he cancelled her orthodontist appointment, for the braces I've already paid for in full.. Not only bummed but getting PISSED too.

Also DHS is still all over me... I've done everything they've asked of me, Began personal counseling, group counseling, and family counseling. All the drug tests and ETG's have come back negative, and I haven't missed one. They cancelled a meeting with me, and called today to let me know they had to "see" the children, and as I was going over my schedule, she suggested she meet with my kids when I'm not home... NO F@%^&$#$ WAY..... I will, and am bending over backwards for these people, and she seems surprised that I've already started all the stuff she told me to, and gives me no props for the GOOD stuff, just want's to keep picking at the crap.... Thinks I'm like some of the other folks she deals with, and didn't expect me to step up to the plate, cause I'm just a DRUNK....

Well she has a VERY little snapshot of who I am, and is running with it. And when I show her what kind of woman/Mom/person I am, and all is well again, she's gonna think I'm one of her success stories, and that she fixed me. I'm documenting all of this, and it will bite her in the A$$...

Ahhh.. I feel better. Thanks for reading.

Peace

Been awhile...

Just re read this and can't believe I put it all out there... DHS is OUT of my life, and I'm finished with everything from my DUI, except the interlock machine in my car, that comes out in May, after two years.

Feeling pretty blue today. No longer taking medication, got laid off last year and lost my health insurance, so no money for those anymore.

Swiss... My teen-aged daughter, is still living in Denver, no longer with her Dad, but with a boy and his Mom.. Don't like the situation much, but she's 18 now, and I have no say.

The current hubby and his teen-aged daughter are still with me, but it seems more out of "obligation" for our young daughters, than love for me.

The mess from 2012 put a rift between my sister and I. Best friend, Mom and sister all in one, and now I can't even talk to her. She has completely abandoned Swiss, claims that even if in ten years, she's invited to a wedding, she won't come. She's turned her husband and sons against her too. When her son's were going through all their crap, I NEVER turned my back on them.. The thing is she KNOWS the social worker lied to her about what my daughter was saying.. My daughter said she was afraid of how they would react to this, the social worker told my sister, my girl was afraid of them, and there was a restraining order...

Just so sad, and alone... Gotta put on this mask everyday... So tired of playing this game, and always loosing!!!

Crying, Crying, Crying.