An Unfortunate Upbringing (Triggering)

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An Unfortunate Upbringing (Triggering)

Postby Dudeskies101 » Mon Sep 12, 2011 2:13 am

Hi folks, I'm Paul, 23 and have had mental problems since early high school and thought I might reach out and attempt a recovery.

My childhood was pretty crap and I now hold grudges that I need to get rid of to move on in my life, however I've got to much pride to ask for official help so I'm just going to do it meekly on here (yes I am a young guy haha, bottling it up is what we do best).
I grew up first in violent surroundings, getting in heaps of fights with my brothers, my neighbours, school peers and my father. Violence and aggression was my way of dealing with conflict for many years, until recently. I believe I actually may have been born as a sociopath because I find it difficult to care or show much empathy to other ppl, tho I am trying to work on it, but its hard and foreign to me.
I had an encounter with a paedophile when I was 12 yrs old.
My mother knows about this but I think I may need professional advice on this still.

The other stuffed part of my life is my broken family. My father was an abusive parent, both mentally and physically, he would call me names, hit me when I got in conflict with him and in general encite fear in me to my core. He had his good qualities but unfortunately for me is the type of guy who can't show any weakness because it would jeaopardise his masculinity.
I don't speak to either of my brothers: my older brother J was jealous of me for my academic abilities and thus he would hate it when I spoke and could spell any word. Basically we would get in fights often as children, and we stopped speaking to eachother when I was age 10. I'm 23 years old now.

I do not speak to my younger brother M, and this is more my fault or maybe a case of monkey see monkey do: because J had turned his back on me, 2 years later I turned my back on M. i stopped speaking to M on my first day of high school.

Living in the house was interesting. I isolated myself mostly. I would get into animalistic rages with my younger brother when we'd fight, and I've threatened to kill him in the past, and at the time i probably would have if the chance had come around.

I fear to look in ppl's eyes due to the fear my father instilled in me, and also because as a child if i made eye contact with someone it was generallly seen as a challenge.

I have live out of home, on my own in my own house. This is the ultimate bittersweet tho: I have gotten away from the house i grew up in with all these negaive memories, however I now live alone and as such I am kind of isolated from everybody, giving me to much time to think on my own, and the stresses of managing a mortgage, something i didnt necessarily want, which is one of the reasons i've developed depression.

As a kid I was teased heaps because of my red hair too and this discrimination caused me to react in various angry ways, but mostly it just made me feel different and thus lowered my self esteem because as a result I now think I'm really ugly (thanks bullies).

I'm not sure if i am a sociopath. I cry in sad movies, but if i see someone in a lot of pain, it doesnt bother me. Ppl who meet me are unsure how to take me most of the time aswell, and this is because i dont smile heaps and i find it difficult to listen to ppl and remain concentrated on them.
I have depression and anxiety and insomnia has just come along for the ride and it is all messing with my life in all areas.
So basically if there's anyone who could point me in any directions or give me some advice plz let me know, I might aswell start now so I don't end up killing myself (I have no desire to right now, but occasionally in darker moments it crosses ones mind).

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Location: UK

Postby jj » Tue Sep 13, 2011 7:30 am

Hey Dudeskies,

really glad you came here, its a big first step to take, dont think of it as being meek though. asking for any help is a brave move. you can start from here and maybe one day in the near future youll be able to get the professional help too that it sounds like you need.

sorry to hear about all you went through, i can relate to holding grudges that you need to let go of in order to move forward. regret and hatred and the feeling of injustice can be so overwhelming and consuming that it takes over completely at times. for me i am still yet to let go too, but i know that in order to i need to accept what has happened, and that in doing that ill its the first step to coming to peace with whats happened.

i do think its great youve come here, and we can offer you advice and support, but first and foremost id always suggest getting some professional help. hopefully youll feel ready to do that soon.

also with your brothers, do you have regret that you dont speak anymore? or is it just 'the way your life is'.. would you ever consider talking to them again?

being on your own definitely can be a huge factor in developing/worsening depression. ive spent most of the last year on my own and my depression has been worse than ever, it seems to get worse and worse the more time youre alone and i found i was isolating myself even more, and depression continued to get worse. its a hard cycle to crack. but i think youve gotta do everything you can to keep on keeping busy. keep your mind engaged. force yourself to go out every day, even if its just a walk. or if youre on your own and find yourself thinking too much, do you have a friend you could call, to take your mind off thigns?

in regards to the insomnia , do you have good sleeping habits, getting up the same time every day and at night too?

i do think you should consider going to your doctor. he could help you find some counselling /therapy that may help you so much in overcoming your past and letting go and moving forward. he might give you some meds to help with the depression and/or anxiety and/or insomnia. i think thats the first place you should go. and of course we'll all still be here to support you in the mean time


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