On The Pursuit Of Happiness...
Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2011 9:12 pm
Well it all began when I was going into freshmanyear highschool, I was 15 at the time. I began doing drugs, I got paranoid and got worse everyday, I noticed at school my friends stopped being near me and I was being ignored and isolated. I began hear people talking bad about me spreading stuff that wasnt true. It got to the point where I said screw it and left school and stopped hanging out with my friends. After that happened I went home and began getting depressed and starting smoking marijuana and smoking ciggarettes. My brother who knew I was depressed brought over what use to be my friends who betrayed me which enraged me so much. I never thought he would do this to me and it got worse. I couldnt live in this condition and my mentality got worse. I ended up moving with my mom since I couldnt live there with my dad and and she tried to get me back in school and she tried to force me back into school and I said no, everytime I was dropped off at school I was would walk inside the school for 2 minutes then walk out to make sure she left. Then I would wait outside on a bus stop near my house for the rest of the day because I didnt have house keys at the time until she came home. After that I began doing bad things I regret doing... I Later overdose or smoked something bad and ended up in the hospital making my situation worse because hospital bills arent going to pay themselves. Made me feel even more worthless. I feel like a failure and still do. After that happened I got into therapy because I couldnt stop crying because I knew there was no turning back and I wanted to end it all. After a few years of therapy I did cope with some of my anxiety like going into public areas and talking with other people and lowered my panic attacks alot more and quit doing drugs now. I got my GED this year, well I actually finished my GED last year but I had to go through alot of crap because of registration stuff not going through. Everyday I did go to GED I felt like dying and vomiting but I hanged in there and did it. After that I got a job, I really thought I could do this. At the time I didnt have reliable transportation so I had to take a car to work and every day I woke up to go to work I felt like vomitting and a gut churning knot in my stomach and feeling like I was gonna crash in my car on the way to work. I managed to last a week of pure anxiety and pressure at work. I was kinda proud I lasted that long. After I quit my job...Well its been all the same... Everyday I wake up...Eat...Get on the computer for 10+ hours...take a crap and piss...eat...then go to sleep...and repeat... I think everyday I will do something different... But I dont... I know... Its just sad and the fact I like never leave my house .... Im a prisoner in my own mind and room... And Now I have different plans... Hopefully when I become physically fit and get some cash in my pocket soon I will get out of here and never become a burden again to my family and hope for the best for them all. I just hate wasting their food and money... Im almost 19 now... So its about time I leave the nest...Maybe someday I will return...
Have you visited the depression chat room. People there you can talk with and really understand, caring and helpful members. Hope you make a visit there as well. Please continue posting, it does help.
