Depression Understood Forums

I actually had a fairly decent childhood. I am the oldest of six. My parents divorced when I was 5 or 6. It was a friendly divorce (as divorces go). Both of my parents remarried. Everything was okay unitl middle school.
I went to a private school starting in 7th grade. It was absolute hell. I bullied unmercifully. That's when the depression started. I hated going to school and as a result could not concentrate on my work. My grades were not good at all. My parents would berate me about my grades and other things. There was no positive support. The only thing that made me happy was my drums and my music. For punishment when my grades were bad, I was not allowed to play my drums or listen to music. There was no where safe for me.
Quite simply, I was not allowed to be who I was.
Because of the nonexistent support, I came to see myself as a failure. And I still do. I am terrified of trying anything. I would rather not try and therefore not fail.
As I got older, people would still tease me and torment me. Even people I thought were my friends. I have had several decent jobs, and have had to quit because of this. Yet more failing.
I have only had one meaningful relationship in my life. I ended it because she was not able to give me what I needed. That was 10 years ago. Lately I have been feeling an increased sense of lonliness. It doesn't help that my roommate (who is bipolar) has started dating a guy and sees him every single day. He's at the house every single day. They are both addicts and are addicted to each other.
I feel that i have no one to talk to. Talking to family only helps slightly. I am seeing a therapist, and that has helped a little as well. But I feel that if I don't find someone of my own soon, I might not last too long. A physically present person would be great (and help with my nonexistent self esteem), but I'll settle for internet friends.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope to hear from you.

(((((((((((((((the whole world))))))))))))))

You've described me very neatly! What a mirror. I'm one of six, the fifth of six, all boys. Middle class childhood; private schools. I've lived with depression since I was a small child. Divorce when I was 5 (well, actually, divorce when I was 11, but separation when I was 5.) School was very unhappy. I won't say hell, but very unhappy. Isolated, bullied, failed at sports and other motivational routine-building activities, very shy and not into joining groups. Lots of praise when younger but after grade 6 began failing in class. Slept in class a lot; bad sign of depression there. No structure at home. No memories of competition-building encouragement or support. Left to myself. Am very smart, but repeated failures in work has left me exhausted and demoralized and very depressed, not wanting to try anymore. Every so often, I get a glimmer of inspiration, and I vow I'll pick myself up and try again. Within hours, it's gone, and back in the weeks and months of inertia. Endless inner pain.

Mother never remarried. With no job skills, she opened a child care in the home. No attention there, at young ages. Isolated with no transport; no friends. I do remember being befriended, but I never knew how to give back. Sign of depression (unengaged; fearful). Father remarried; conflicted relationship with him. Good, but not so good. Siblings, the same; conflicted, estranged. Always felt abandonment and isolation. Too exhausted to figure this out, but I attempt in fits and starts. It's so confusing.

Finished through grad school; bad jobs ever since except one, which I failed at developing. Marriage failed; blame myself. Unemployed and marginally employed for nearly 8 years now. Am now 50, the constant thought is "who wants an unstable person? nobody" — no money and bad self esteem makes it hard to reach out and sustain relationships. I gave up. I live with a friend from grad school, like a brother to me. At least I'm not on the street yet. I can't see a good future or end of life.

Family is fractured and estranged. Difficult because always far away. Cold comfort. I assume my own blame here, too; not able to cheerfully be "up" and lean for support.

It would be nice to have a friend that knows what it's like to be really depressed all the time, OK with all the challenges. I want to be the same kind of friend. I see, and have seen, a therapist (many, over the years). I've never figured out why I'm broken, why I turned out broken. There's no reason I couldn't have fixed these things as an adult, except for depression itself. It demotivates, and fills me with fears. It all makes me so embarrassed.

Sorry for rambling. Hope to hear back from you. Best wishes.

MusicMan138 wrote:I actually had a fairly decent childhood. I am the oldest of six. My parents divorced when I was 5 or 6. It was a friendly divorce (as divorces go). Both of my parents remarried. Everything was okay unitl middle school.
I went to a private school starting in 7th grade. It was absolute hell. I bullied unmercifully. That's when the depression started. I hated going to school and as a result could not concentrate on my work. My grades were not good at all. My parents would berate me about my grades and other things. There was no positive support. The only thing that made me happy was my drums and my music. For punishment when my grades were bad, I was not allowed to play my drums or listen to music. There was no where safe for me.
Quite simply, I was not allowed to be who I was.
Because of the nonexistent support, I came to see myself as a failure. And I still do. I am terrified of trying anything. I would rather not try and therefore not fail.
As I got older, people would still tease me and torment me. Even people I thought were my friends. I have had several decent jobs, and have had to quit because of this. Yet more failing.
I have only had one meaningful relationship in my life. I ended it because she was not able to give me what I needed. That was 10 years ago. Lately I have been feeling an increased sense of lonliness. It doesn't help that my roommate (who is bipolar) has started dating a guy and sees him every single day. He's at the house every single day. They are both addicts and are addicted to each other.
I feel that i have no one to talk to. Talking to family only helps slightly. I am seeing a therapist, and that has helped a little as well. But I feel that if I don't find someone of my own soon, I might not last too long. A physically present person would be great (and help with my nonexistent self esteem), but I'll settle for internet friends.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope to hear from you.

(((((((((((((((the whole world))))))))))))))