Depression Understood Forums

First I'd like to say hello. Found this website a few days ago and used the chatroom. Thought there might be some use to this. I know this isn't the introduction section, so I'll get on with it.


I don't expect anyone to read this as it's quite long, but if you do, you have my thanks. I don't find it easy to open up to people hence why talking to people I don't know over the internet seemed like a logical first step. Bear in mind, I'm one of the probably one of the younger people posting here at 19, so what I have written mightn't seem as filled with various life experiences, but don't let that deter you. Anything anyone has to say is welcome.

I'm not exactly sure where to start or what to say. I don't have a story as dramatic (no insensitivity intended) or triggering as some others I've read here, but slowly but surely depression has been bringing me down. I've been depressed now for about five years. I haven't gotten it professionally diagnosed, but a family member who is qualified in the field said that there's a high chance that I'm depressed, which I think is true. I don't think I've felt an awful lot in the last five years.

I don't intend for this to sound as some sort of a self pitying soliloquy, so apologies if it tends to sound a bit like one.

Lately, I don't seem to have a purpose. I moved out of my mother's and her husband's house last year and have been sharing a house with a few people since. I've been finding quite difficult to live with my mother and her s/o due to where they decided to move after getting married, as it was far away from pretty much everything. I know I'm probably one of the younger members on the forum revealed by the influence something like this has had on me. I'll go on, anyway.. Living with them increased my depression and I became pretty much emotionless. I think a lot of it started inside the house; my interaction with my mother and her husband, but I guess that's another subject. My parents had me when they were rather young, so maybe they weren't ready to bring up a child, hence the following divorce and mentally straining relationships I have with both my parents. The both have anger management which they often manifested in outbursts aimed at me (I lived with my father at for several years after the divorce, then with my mother ever since I swapped hands). Suffice to say, I found it necessary to move out once I finished school and started going to college.

I was hoping that having moved back to the city would make life easier, and it did for a while as I was able to once again interact with all the people I didn't see while living at home. As time passed, everything seemed to return to the way it was. The monotony of going to college, going to the gym, eating, sleeping, repeat started getting to me and soon enough I started having suicidal thoughts [again]. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't think of doing something like that or inflicting physical injuries to myself, but the fact that the thoughts are there tends to bother me.

I've had it pretty hard financially, which could be contributing to the stress. I've been paying my own way through college (which isn't too much [relatively speaking] where I live, as most university costs payed for by the state), and along with that I have to pay my own rent, etc. My mother gets me groceries, which helps. I realise that a lot of people are far less fortunate than I am and don't have the opportunity to go to college, but the fact that I have to somehow make thousands a year to support myself while in full time education, especially in these times remains. I know I probably sound like I'm making up excuses now....maybe I am. I just find it really hard to get a job. Not a lot of retailers or restaurants want to hire a 19 year old with the his only experience being construction work. I get government help due to certain family circumstances, but even that's not enough.

Lately, especially now that it's summer I can't seem to find the motivation to do anything. I used to do a lot of things to keep myself busy to the point that I'd almost be too tired to cook for myself, but now that I'm not doing anything, I can't even be bothered to make myself food sometimes. Last week was particularly bad as I couldn't even get out of bed, having stayed in bed till 7pm one of the days. It's as if there isn't even a point in waking up anymore. What is the point?..

Loneliness contributed a lot to my feelings lately too. I'd go out and see a lot of friends, but at the same time I still felt alone. It's as if every time I'm socialising, I'm viewing myself in third person. As if I'm watching myself through a television, going out, having a drink, talking to some friends and then going home back to sleep. It's like I almost don't enjoy socialising. Well, I do enjoy seeing my friends, but the second I go home and am alone again, I lose all sense of purpose. As if my purpose is to socialise in a social setting, yet once I'm alone with no particular pressure to fulfill a role, my existence starts to feel pointless. "What was the point of that? Why did I decide to go out tonight?" Really makes me want to curl up and fall asleep somewhere, just in the middle of the road on my way home.

I met a really nice girl a few months ago and recently we've started going on dates. She's really nice, but for some reason I don't feel the same sort of excitement as I did when I was in the same position at a younger age. Maybe I'm just growing up? I don't know. Nowadays I seem to do things that are rational, without regard for emotion, mainly because I'm not experiencing any feelings to base my decisions on. I'm afraid that my numbness will rub off on this girl, which is sort of holding me back of opening up to her.

To add I've just drained my bank account of everything I have to pay rent and although I have the option of moving back home, it's literally the last thing I want to do as my depression, which hit a high point last summer when I came close to having a break down, and has lingered with the same impact since will just develop further. I re-start at my old construction job tomorrow, which will hopefully keep me on my feet for another month. I know it's no one's problem but mine, but I guess I should give the broadest point of view to what's going on possible.

My friend's dad died a few weeks ago, and I tried to be there for her as much as I could which got my mind off my own problems. Now that she's getting better (or appears to be) I'm back where I was. I know it would make sense for me to keep busy and keep my problems at the back of my head, but to be honest I don't want them lingering there. I've already had an experience of them all popping up out of nowhere last summer, which was a bit of a low point for me in the last while.


If you have any questions, ask away. Sorry if this post seems thrown together and not very well composed. I just wanted to get my thoughts out and leave them elsewhere before I try to go to sleep. I'm not fully collected at the moment as it's late in the night, so I might have left things out which I'll add if anything springs to mind.
I'm not sure what I'm looking to get out of this. Support, understanding, just for someone to acknowledge what's going on in my life..I don't know. Anything will be appreciated.



Thank you for reading this if you got this far, or even read a bit. Any and all comments are welcome.

Hello, im new to this site as well and also kind of used this forum to vent a bit. i read your post and i understand what your going through, im 22 now but when i turned 18 i left the nest and was on my own working going to school and just doing the daily grind. I felt the same things your describing. Im probably not much help to you as i have issues of my own i cant figure out lol but i just wanted to let you know you arent alone and that ive noticed alot of people on this site offer comforting words and advice so keep your chin up and things can and will get better.

Hi, and welcome to the forum. Its hard to feel a sense of purpose at such a young age, but I have some suggestions. While you are on break from college, you might want to read Victor Frankyl's "Man's Search for Meaning"...he is a holocaust survivor who talks about meaning in life under the worst conditions possible. I agree with him that meaning is different or purpose is different for everyone and we create our own meaning. For some it might be family, another might find it in faith, another might find it in work, etc.

You didn't share your major. I think that if your major is something you don't feel really passionate about that gives you a sense of purpose, maybe look into something that would as a minor or dual major. Not always, but often, "Pursue your passion and the money will follow." I used to work for nonprofits and in public service and found meaning in that my work was ultimately helping others and making a difference. If you love your studies or your work, that can help ease the sting of depression and give you something to hold onto in the darkness.

When you get back to school, you might want to check for on campus work-study programs to ease the financial strain. My ex-husband for instance started with work study but then got a decent job as a night desk clerk at a hotel that permitted him to study when not busy and earn a full-time salary while going to school full time. If you start in the student cafeteria for instance, it will be easier from there to get a job as a waiter, and once you've done that, you can ease into waiting at a higher end place where the tips are significantly higher. If you work in a student lab or doing office work, you might find temp jobs you can work around your studies thereafter.

I know what it feels like to have no interest in anything and feel life is pointless and to just want to curl up in a ball and sleep. Maybe you could check when you get back to school about student counseling services and testing for occupational interests to get a better idea of what might strike your fancy. Sometimes its not work, but an outside hobby or passion that keeps us going. Anything like playing music, volunteering somewhere to help a group of people you care about, a hobby club, political involvement, or whatever sparks a bit of interest on your part.

I don't know about you, but for me, if I manage to help someone or at least try to or do some random act of kindness or contribute to a cause on a given day, I feel more worthwhile as a human being and feel like I am not entirely wasting my time on earth.

Something suggested to me also is write down your accomplishments daily. Even something as simple as showering can be a feat when super depressed. Opening a door for an elderly lady or smiling at a stranger can also mean more than you know. That you work and keep up with your studies despite depression is a huge accomplishment. Pat yourself on the back.

Would definitely if I were you look into counseling. While off for the summer, check for community mental health in your area if in the usa, and then student counseling when back in school. They might be able to help you find some direction, and being steered toward a greater goal might give you that sense of purpose you are looking for.

Hugs and wishing you light and peace in your day.

@hardleyhere: Thanks for the reply! To be honest, it makes me feel a bit better knowing that I'm not alone, but at the same time isolated or something, because I never see people like me or hear of them. Maybe it's because not a lot would talk about that to peers, etc. I know I wouldn't, hence why I'm here I guess.

@shatteredhopes: Thanks for all you've written. I'm studying Economics. I've always had a thing for art, and more recently I've started learning piano, but I don't see myself getting far using my creative skills, hence why I decided to do economics. I have a thing for analysing and assessing things, so economics seemed like the right way to go. I guess I'm not fully won over by it yet, hence my lack of initial enthusiasm to share on the subject, but I do enjoy it. If you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life, right?

Just to address the first thing you brought up. I'll definitely check that book out. I'm not exactly looking for the meaning of life or anything, I just feel like there's nothing to doing things instead. I guess this will sound like a cliché of a depressed person, but when I cook I tend to lose my appetite because I know I'll just have to cook and eat again. It's just a cycle that goes on and on. Maybe I just need some variety in life, I don't know.


Thank you both for reading my post, by the way!




I'm trying to make some money now, but working a 45 hour a week job on a construction site is pretty hard. Life's hard, so I gotta get used to it, but seeing others sitting in comfy shop jobs while their parents pay their college fees makes me feel kind of jealous, to be honest, whereas I leave the house at half six in the morning, and come back home at 7pm too tired to make dinner so I just end up falling asleep 'till next morning. I guess I'm lucky to have what I have for now, so I won't moan. I just feel like it's dragging me down emotionally. There is a sense of alienation from others who get it easier in some ways compared to me, but I'll just have to rise above them I suppose.

At the moment I'm just waiting to get back to college. Probably not a popular wish for most for the summer holidays, but I feel so incredibly lonely. I see people every day, but the feeling persists. At least during the school year I'm always surrounded by people so it helps soften the feeling.

I wanted to say a lot of things before signing on this, and have been waiting to get them out for a few days, but to be honest I don't know what it is I want to say, really. It's just a weight pushing down on my chest which I just want to end. I'm fed up of this constant feeling of mental and physical tiredness for the last few years. There is no drive in me to do any of the things I would've liked to do before. Without getting too dramatic, I'll leave it at that. Maybe I'll find the words I wanted to use later on.

I'm live in Ireland by the way. Supposedly the least depressed country in the world. There isn't much in terms off free counselling as far as I know, and to be honest as much as depression awareness is promoted, the lack of resources is still pretty frustrating. That's something for me to research though..

Sorry if I rambled on a bit. I try not to delete too much stuff I said to give a more accurate representation of what I'm experiencing, or what it's like form my point of view. Again, thanks for reading and for the contributions!