Here goes.. (triggering)

[hardleyhere]

I have alot to get out sorry if this is too long. :-/

I grew up with my father as a spoiled well behaved child until i was 12 and my father unexpectidly passed away of unknown causes (they assumed foul play was involved) I remember hearing my fathers girlfriend screaming to call 911 because he wasnt breathing and when the paramedics arrived the stuck my little brother and i in the basement and told us everything would be ok, daddy wasnt feeling well and they had to take him to the hospital and we could see him in a little while... all while they knew he was dead and we would never see him again... my grandfather showed up and took my brother and i to his house where still everyone insisted on lying to us telling us everything was fine... they tracked down my junkie of a mother and told her that my father had passed away and she needed to come get us and take us to get some clothes so we could move in with her. When we moved in with my mother we were introduced to her boyfriend... the devil himself. He belonged to a motorcycle club and was also an expert at cooking, selling and doing methanphetamines. we lived in a one bedroom apartment for what seemed like eternity all the while he abused my mother myself and my brother physically emotionally and sexually. that was when i first started contemplating and attempting suicide. jumping from windows, cutting, taking unknown pills, anything i could think of. we tried to run away time after time after time and eventually we made it... we got on a greyhound bus with nothing but the clothes we had on and three days later we were in a different state and staying at a family members house hiding out. soon after that i got involved in drugs first pot then pills and alcohal and then worse. I would do anything i could think of to try to ignore everything that was going on around me. my mothers habits became worse and also had a new boyfriend who was a sever alcoholic and was also abusive but nothing compared to my stepfather. i was kicked out of school and following down the path of my mother very fast, when i was 15 i had my first real boyfriend who i thought was a real winner until i wasnt ready to lose my virginity so he took it from me. my mother, brother and i bounced around from apartment to apartment house to house and finally ended up staying in a dingy motel room. tweakers coming and going all day all night never knew if the bills would be paid or if our stuff would be sitting outside or just gone all together. i eventually moved out of state and went to my grandparents house for a year or so... that wasnt much better, the day i turned 18 i packed and was out on my own i had a job an apartment a car and i was in school and i really thought i was gonna make it until it all slipped downhill again. my mother needed money and how could i tell her no when she said it was for my brother who needed food and medicine. i met a man i thought i loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. we had an apartment together and then he introduced me to his extracurricular activities... cocaine, heroin, and anything else you can put in your mouth up your nose or in your veins. i ended up getting pregnant by him and his response to that was to throw me down a flight of stairs. He moved out of state, left me, pregnant, alone, with all the bills, no job anymore, not in school anymore. just me and the little life in my belly. I moved across the country and in with... my mother. things were ok for a while but i ended up paying all her bills and listening to her get high in the bathroom 24/7 i got my own place and we are distant now. I have a job i try my best to take care of my child (whos father has only seen her twice in her 2 year old life) and im seeing someone new who im very much in love with but very much afraid of losing. I dont think that i have a bad life but something just isnt right. There are days that nothing is really wrong but all i can do is cry, there are days i dont even want to get out of bed and i dont know why and then there are days that i cant sleep at all and dont know why. I dont know why i feel the way i do i just know that i feel it and i want it to stop. I dont have much money, i dont have health insurance, the therapists around here want 350 just to see me one time and i cant afford it... i dont know where to turn... what to do. who to tell.. what to say.. i just know i need help. HELP?

[shatteredhopes]

Oh hon, you say you don't think you've had a bad life, but I would say from what you've told us here you have had more than your share of trauma and painful events in your life. It is no wonder with all you've been through you are feeling depressed. Old pain doesn't go away unless maybe we deal with it and work through it. It haunts us, we may try to stuff it away for awhile but it always floats back up to the surface.

If you are in the USA, sometimes there are community mental health centers that will see you on a sliding scale, sometimes as low as $5 per session. Call social services and ask about community mental health and low cost services. If they can't tell you of any, call the Red Cross which is a good resource for all types of services and ask about free or low cost counseling in your area. If you don't object, sometimes pastors can be specifically trained in counseling too and offer free or low cost therapy.

Another thing I would suggest, even though you are clean now, is going to narcotics anonymous. You have done your share of drugs and the only requirement for membership is a desire not to use. Sometimes these 12 step programs can be excellent like free therapy with others who have experienced things like you have experienced. It was for me. Even if you don't believe in a god, you can adapt to "good orderly direction" and adapt the steps to life and working them can give you a lease on a new life.

Sometimes its not the things we've done, but the things that have happened to us unjustly that make us want to self-medicate with a drug of choice to escape reality. I think you'll find others like you if you go to NA which is free. You might check in the phone book for a number or your newspaper or at the library for a schedule. Some meetings are generally friendly about having kids there, so if you don't have a babysitter, that would be good to find those meetings that welcome kids.

You have experienced so much loss already it is no wonder you worry about losing that special someone in your life. There are no guarantees, but I think if you take care of yourself first and find ways to work through all that you've been through you will be a better partner to your love and feel more confident in your relationship.

Finally, you can also try some self help. Something recommended to me that I haven't read yet is "Feeling Good" which you can probably find at a used book store (I found a copy at Goodwill) if money is an issue. Its cognitive behavior therapy self-help. I would absolutely recommend "The Courage to Heal" which you can get at a bookstore or at the library, to deal with the sexual abuse and rape you experienced when you were young. Sometimes domestic violence centers offer free counseling or group therapy for adult survivors, that would be something to check too.

There's a chatroom connected to this site also. Meanwhile, welcome to the forum. Big big hugs and wishing you light and peace in your day.

[hardleyhere]

Thank you, i will look into everything you've mentioned and hope for the best, i have visited the chat room a few times im not sure if i like it yet, there is alot going on... makes me a little.. anxious but thank you for the feedback. Anyone listening is much appreciated.

[tryingtobewise]

Dear hardleyhere,

You wrote you have a concern of your current boyfriend leaving you. I wonder if this fear of him leaving is what is causing you to have all the signs of being overwhelmed with your life.

Is there a thought if he left you that you would not be ok; that you would fall apart?

Are there signs that he may leave?

We are living in an age where the economy is basically shutting down and many, many people fear for their future financial well being. This fact could also be causing you stress.

It is so important to get in touch with what is causing you to be overwhelmed. Since you mention your life right now seems to be ok, then I would assume the feeling of dreaded doom is due to what you perceive is likely to happen in the future.

I was a single parent years ago (they are grown now) and lived with other single mothers in order to afford a place to live. Maybe that is something you could consider, if needed. Finding another mother in your situation to bond together to be able to afford living.

As far as your child's father, I am glad he has only seen the child twice. Do not forget he threw you and your child, since your child was inside you, down the stairs. Your child does not need such a father. Please consider leaving him out of the picture for good. I believe he will only cause your child emotional pain, and could in the future cause physical harm.

What about the father's family? Are they any support for you? Are they stable?

I am glad you are reaching out to others to discuss your feelings. I know it is hard to afford help. The other person who posted here had some great ideas for getting live/in person help.

Take care,
Kathy

PS: I too feel I am hardly even hear.

[hardleyhere]

thank you for your response i appreciate it. My Daughters biological father is out of her life and i will do anything i have to to keep it that way. When i was still pregnant i went through this guilty stage where i wanted my child to have a perfect little life with a mommy and a daddy who love her so i did give him more chances then i should have. I had it in my head that i could deal with him treating me bad as long as he was a good father to her, but i know that must have been the hormones thinking because i will never allow anyone around my child that thinks its ok to treat anyone the way he treated me, my child, or anyone else so now i make sure she is surrounded by only people who love and respect her and myself. As far as my current boyfriend leaving me, im not sure why im so scared, i think... anyone in my life that ive cared about as far as men goes (my father, my daughters father) they have all left me. I love the man that im with now more then ive ever loved anyone besides my child. I didnt even know i could be in love with someone like this until him. Everything about him including his flaws and imperfections are... perfect to me. i know sounds silly but its true. I also dont have very high self esteem and i feel like he could one day find someone better then me and that makes him happier then i do. I also am worried if he were to leave what kind of damage it would do to my daughter, he is the only man shes ever known in her life, he loves her and helps me take care of her and she loves him as well. There are no signs of him leaving me, he says he wants to marry me and were actually getting ready to get a house together i just worry. I think that work and my family life stresses me out as well, i work for my family and its not the easiest but i figure i have to do what i have to do to pay the bills and take care of my little one. when i take a step back and look at my life i feel selfish for thinking and feeling the way that i do because i do have alot to be greatful for a nd i know theres plenty of people who have alot harder lives then me but i still cant control the way i feel and the helplessness and emotions i feel, i dont know why i do sometimes i just want to fix it. :-/ sorry for rambling.

[tryingtobewise]

Dear hardleyhere,

So it sounds like you have stresses related to:

1. being abandoned by your boyfriend
2. working with your family

You mention there is no sign the boyfriend is going to leave, which makes me think that this fear would not keep you up at nights.

Do you think the stress at work is causing you to be overwhelmed?

Do you think there is no situation in your life at this current time that is causing you to be overwhelmed?

Do you think you are overwhelmed or that you're not being able to sleep, etc is due to a mental illness, such as chronic depression? There is no reason to be ashamed of having a mental illness; which just means the brain is not functioning properly and causing unwarranted behavior, such as constant worry and stress.

Do you attend a church? If not, have you considered meditation to reduce your stress? If you have a mental illness, medication may be needed.

Just trying to help you think this through. It is important you address the fact you are feeling high anxiety.

[hardleyhere]

I think that work is stressfull but i dont think its something that i shouldnt be able to handle.... im glad your asking me these questions becasue its really making me take a step back and look at them and try to answer them but i really.. dont know, a while back i was diagnosed with chronic depression and schitzophrenia but i was also heavy into drug use then which i think MIGHT have been the reason for some of those symptoms that lead to that diagnosis. they put me on medication, multiple medications and i hated them, i felt like a zombie and wasnt myself at all. some of the medication made how i was feeling even worse.... i would really like to see someone and be re evaluated possibly i just cant afford those kind of bills right now, my daughter has some health issues and her health insurance is more then i can afford, let alone to get insurance of my own so right now i figured talking to other people that feel the same as me or anywhere close to the same would help, and it has been, thank you again for responding to my post, i look forward to getting on here and seeing what people have to say and how everyone else is feeling as well.

[tryingtobewise]

I am sorry to hear your daughter has health issues; that is very stressful. You wrote "her health insurance is more then I can afford". Not having the funds to meet needs is extremely stressful; one can only feel a panic if they consider the ‘extra’ expenses that could appear at any moment.

Ok. So you have:
1. Family stress at work that you have to manage
2. Financial stress
3. Stress from being the fear of being abandoned at some point by your boyfriend
4. Stress over your daughter’s health issue

Lots of stress to manage!

If you were a meth user; meth can alter the brain's function and leave you with the same type of disorder of bipolar or schizophrenia. And if it meth was not used, it does not exclude you may have a mental illness.

Altogether you have high stressors in your life, and you may have a mental illness that causes you to not be able to reduce the stress without medication. Wow, I feel overwhelmed for you!

My son is medicated for his bipolar and gets free medication from a mental health agency in our town. It sounds like you were over medicated before; that surely can happen. It may be worth seeking out free mental health service if you have that in your area. You could contact a NAMI office in your state to find out if there is any service. If you want to check this out, go to NAMI.org and click on the tab for Local and State NAMIs.

Maybe it would be helpful for you to begin to keep a journal. Just a few sentences each day that explains how you are feeling; rate your anxiety level; things like that.

I am glad you get relief coming to this website. It gives me relief as well. It helps.

Take care,
Kathy

[hardleyhere]

Thanks again for the response, meth is the only thing i did NOT use actually. I used it once on accident because i was told it was something else but besides that i stayed away from meth thankfully. and my daughters health insurance is craaazzy i pay over 400$ a month and they dont even cover most of her bills. but either way it has to be there in case something serious happens. i will definitely look into the free services thank you for suggesting it. im just afraid of medicine lol but thank you for all of your suggestions i really appreciate it all the feed back