Depression Understood Forums

I guess it starts back when I was born, my biological mother was 16 and had to give me up for adoption since she was unable to care for me. Grew up with my adopted parents who I love so very much, but my other family was not so nice. Some cousins would not let me play games with them because I was not part of their real family. Christmas was never really fun because I was always an outcast.
High school was not much better, I was a skinny little runt that could never get a girlfriend. I was not good at sports, I was not smart, and I did not have many friends.
About then I turned to drugs, started smoking pot and of course led into the bigger stuff. Graduated high school and I started doing crack and getting messed up every night. I ended up getting an OWI so my parents kicked me out and made me move in with grandma. Grandma didn't drive so it would not raise her car insurance says mom and dad, I think they just didn't want me anymore. Living with grandma is where all the real trouble happening, doing drugs every night, stealing from grandma to get them drugs, had free roam because grandma was not able to keep track of me.
Went to jail and got out, met my wife. Tried to live with grandma again, this time sneaking my at the time girlfriend (wife now) in the basement so we could have sex and do more drugs.. Grandma got wise and came down in the middle of the night and pushed us both out. So we left and went to live in the state park, no money, no food, nothing...
Things got a little better, got a apartment but could never hold a job, for the next 5 years we went from apartment to apartment because we could never keep and job and pay rent.

So we moved to Iowa, tried to get away from all that. Her parents lived in Iowa so we thought this was our chance. The town we went to ended up being full of crank heads, drunks, and dip shits that thought they were all that. I spent many nights in jail, getting into trouble and not having a care in the world.. Then our first son was born, Dylan made me see the light about 6 years ago... This is where my story gets depressing imo.

Since then I started going to collage, you would think that someone about to gain his Bachelors in Network Administration I would be happy..Wrong

I am 32 years old and my wife wont touch me. I have not had sex in 3 months. Sure I could cheat on her, but no, I wont.
My career is at a standstill, I give 150% and no one ever notices. do you remember that guy on that movie that no one notices and someone took his stapler and wont give it back? That's me..
So I have a wife that wont touch me, my career no matter how hard I try wont move forward where I currently work, I cannot leave or we cant pay bills, I have no time for anything I want to do because of the kids.
I am always broke and can barley make ends meet.
If my children didn't need a father, I would off my self right now.
I just don't know what to do anymore, I am so tired of doing things for others and not getting anything in return. I am tired of working and doing more and better work then others and get a big F you where others get promoted..
I'm tired of being me..

That's my story..

Hello Gatzert

I can see where things were hard to deal with being raised in adopted homes and feeling somewhat like the outcast or outsider, but you have managed to put yourself into your own family and although it seems that there and in the work place you're always doing instead of receiving, unfortunately to be the head of anything, especially a home and family, requires you to think of everyone else first. That is a special position and special job, the only thing is it doesn't always leave you feeling special. Know that they have to love and appreciate all that you make possible for them to have. I am no stranger to drugs and their long effect on the style of life that one lives while trying to deal with self and get over one's own chosen addiction. I say chosen because once we even knew it was bad for us and would cost us plenty, we still chose to continue to pick it up.

Sounds to me like you've managed to grow and for all the right reason chose to be more responsible for yourself, wife and son. I am grateful and proud of you, many in your position, especially with a habit, do not manage to get it together. Congratulate yourself for that and celebrate the fact that your days although long and hard are far better than they were before you chose to make a difference.

Without trying too hard, do things to re-ignite your relationship. I said, dont try too hard because for some strange women pick up on someone trying too hard. It has to be just basically creating very relaxed moments where it almost feels like you're just sharing your friendship and conversation. Let go all the reserves, guilt trips and blaming and just be with that person. Of course after you've got the atmosphere together a little romantic gesture sure couldn't hurt. Sometimes we are both so caught up that if one of you doesn't try hard to gain back the love and friendship, I believe it can just seize to exist. Small things do matter when inside the home. Go out your way to get their favorite type of movie snacks, turn on lamps instead of ceiling lights, give a hug where you dont have to have receiving arms, hug her from behind and gently kiss her neck and tell her that you still love her. I think youre doing swell given your story. Dont give up now fight to make it even better.

Big big hugs. You've been through a lot. I agree with the above, you could try small romantic gestures to reignite the passion with your wife. Do you ever take her out for date night, away from the kids just dinner just the two of you? Bring home flowers just because? Maybe there are things going on with her too, making her feel more withdrawn, exhausted from caring for the kids, etc. Maybe you could talk to her about how she's doing and what she's feeling or maybe try counseling if your insurance would cover it.

As far as work, its a tough economy and hard to switch jobs, but have you ever nicely asked your employer what you could do to get ahead? How are your performance reviews? High tech is one area that is generally hiring right now, so maybe if there's no future for you you could quietly start looking around.

I know you and your wife have been clean a long time, but did you ever try Narcotics Anonymous? Its not to late to go, even though you've been clean for a long time, because 12 step programs sometimes can be more effective than therapy even in reshaping your life and your outlook. Was for me anyway.

Welcome to the forums here. There's a chatroom connected to this site too if you haven't already checked it out you may want to. I believe for you things can get better. It may mean making some changes and even more effort on your part, but I also hope you can find something just for you. A hobby, something you feel passionate about or that relaxes you. Something you can find a little escape from the world with. Did you ever find anything...computer games, music, political involvement, woodworking, etc. ... anything you might enjoy spending some time just for you?

Big big hugs. Something that helped me once, remember how far you've come. At least today you are clean and working and have a family so there's hope that things can get better. Meanwhile, wishing you light and peace in your day.