story of jj-possibly triggering?

[jj]

ive hit such a low, and i need to talk about why. but in order to do that i need to explain myself... so i guess its time for me to just post my whole story. i think ive written quite alot... so bear with it till the end... and thanks in advance for reading. i dont know what else to do because i feel so lost... but i hope someone can read this and just tell me everything is gunna be ok


for so long ive been shut down. trying to avoid all my feelings. ive been sad, depressed, but it really hasnt been that bad for a while because ive just completely shut off. kept myself so busy, kept my mind constantly busy not giving myself a moment to think about things, because i am scared of what will happen if i try to face these feelings.


this week has just been awful. all these emotions have just come back, out of nowhere. i cant run and hide from them anymore. and im in so much pain i have so much anger and hatred for my father.


he is an alcoholic and for the past 7years of my life up until about a year ago he would mentally abuse us. he used to shout, absolute nonsense, relentlessly from 6pm till about 5am in the morning. he also used to play music at full volume when we were trying to sleep too. he would say things like "you dont love me you hate me you want me dead" and this is after countless conversations with him every day trying to help him, trying to see that he needs help. but because in his eyes he was doing nothing wrong, all he saw from us was hatred or something. he used to say that alot, "you dont love me". that hurt so much. because i did. i really really did still love him at that point. but i couldnt tell him or show that to him because i was in SO much pain and i couldnt forgive him for all the torture he was putting us through.


this was all happening when i was still at school, from the ages of 11-18. i would be pleading and crying for him to just stop shouting. all i wanted to do was sleep and it was torture. the amount of times i went to school the next day having had no sleep. or times when i would go into school late and id say i overslept and people would call me lazy... they didnt understand. and it hurt so badly, because no-one understood. and i couldnt open up and tell anyone.


my dad has hurt me more than i can ever express. i have such a huge heart and i am ready to give it to all and everyone that i meet, yet with all that love i have so much hate. hate. pure evil hatred for my father, for the things he said, the toturous messed up things he said, and how they wont leave me alone.


it was such a helpless situation because he wouldnt get help, or admit he had a problem, yet my mom couldnt kick him out because it would make him homeless as he hasnt worked for 10 years. i remember my mom wanted to divorce him when i was 11. (the alcoholism had been going on longer, but 11 was only when i became aware of it)
i remember him coming downstairs and my brother and sister and i were having lunch. and he was like "well thats it your mom wants to get rid of me. divorce" and i just ran upstairs and cried my eyes out, and couldnt see why or how this could ever happen because they had to be together forever. thats just how it should be. so the only reason she didnt divorce him then was because i refused it, because i was still a little girl who still loved her daddy. and i look back at that sentence and all i see is I I I. it makes me feel so selfish. maybe the past 7years and all the pain could have been avoided if i hadnt been so selfish.

(i should add that a year and a half ago my mom finally did divorce my dad. he got half of everything of my moms money even tho he hasnt worked for 10years!! my mom remortgaged the house so we didnt have to move out, and now she cant retire for another 10 years. i havnt heard from my dad since he moved out.. nor do i want to/am ready to)


i feel like i want to blame every bad thing that has happened in my life on my father. like failing my exams, all the scars i have from SI, the fact that i started SI, my suicide attempt, my inability to cope with life, my neediness, my inability to be physically close with people, and the way i am completely emotionally shut off from all my family.
the way i always mess up when someone likes me and push them away telling them im messed up and crazy. i want to blame it all on my dad but i know i cant. yes he was shouting during all of my exams and i had it harder than some, but i was still not revising. i cant let go of my regrets about how i let my dad take over and control and destroy my life. i was so strong in the sense that i held my exterior together so well and i kept up an avid social life, had great friends and was well liked, but inside i was letting myself fall apart completely. i regret that alot.


ive had depression on and off for about 4 years, it started when i was about 15. i started SI, because i guess i didnt know how to deal with things anymore. it is only since about september 2010 that this time around it has really hit hard. ive still managed to be sociable in the past but this year ive just shut off from everything. in february 2011 after being on this site(the chatroom) for a month i realised with the help of others that i needed some help. because i was getting nowhere. so i went to the doctors started antidepressants, and counselling.


the reason i write this post now is because yesterday i skipped counselling. the reason i skipped counselling is because last week when visiting some friends i was out and i was a little drunk. out of nowhere came this huge amount of anger and rage that had previously been dormant for nearly 2 years. my friend told me to take my anger out on him and not on myself. so i hit him (it didnt hurt him cos im a girl and quite weak) but i did it. and i kept on hitting and punching and crying over and over till i fell to the floor. and i was shouting "i hate him. i hate him. i HATE him" and i dont know where it came from. because ive not thought about my dad for about 5months. but i cant get it out of my head. i feel insane. i feel like im not safe to be around people now. i dont like that it happened. i feel like i am not safe to be around myself or other people if that happened again.


it reminds me of some dark dark times when my fathers nonsense shouting had gotten too much for me and it was about 5 am and i went into the spare room that he slept in and smashed everything, and slammed his door over and over screaming at him to stop shouting. it reminds me of another time when i was so past upset and crying that it turned to rage and i have never wanted to kill someone like i wanted to kill him. i wanted him to die.

that night last week has brought back all these memories of me crying my eyes out, shaking and with my fingers in my ears, blacking out from the pain of the relentless shouts. being reminded of it now makes it feel so real, and i hate that all this anger has come back. i dont want to feel angry. i just want to love. theres too much bad in the world already and i hate that i am feeling so much of it!!!


so.... i was meant to have this counselling appt yesterday. i didnt go because i was feeling so awful about what happened last week on the night out. its just been plaguing my mind so much. i stayed in bed for 2days and hid from the world, including my appt....i got a letter today saying that theyve given up my appt spot because the waiting list is so long.


now i just feel like everything is falling apart again. all this pain that and anger that has been dormant for so long has come back, and now my only proper source of professional help has gone. i was just getting ready to discuss the whole "dad situation" with my counsellor. and now i cant. and its all my fault. i will have to wait another 2months to get a new counsellor. i need it now tho. i need to talk to someone now because this is too much for me at the moment. i just feel awful. feel like such a failure. and i cant get all these memories out of my head.


i really didnt know what else to do. this is the most ive opened up in a very long time. and the most i have ever opened up other than with 1 perosn at a time. so if youve read all this.. thanks... alot. and please dont judge, not that you will, but i just get really scared


jj

[shatteredhopes]

(((((((((jj))))))))))) so saddened to hear what you went through. If you haven't already, I strongly encourage you to seek out Adult Children of Alcoholics. These 12 step programs can be almost as good a therapy sometimes in finding healing along with others who have been there. I think you would be surprised if you went to a meeting how you would "hear your own story" and how the emotions you are suffering with now are normal given what you've been through. I don't mean to mitigate your pain, I just think it would be helpful to you to talk with others who have found a path to healing.

Another thing, I watched a program on forgiveness on public television recently. Sometimes anger can be helpful in asserting ourselves. Sometimes forgiveness can be a way of negating our own self worth. Not always, but I do think anger can be a way of saying "I didn't deserve what you did to me. I am a worthwhile human being and I deserve better."

I would worry too too much about your outburst and rage, as it sounds like you channeled it in a way so as not to hurt others and recognize you can't be around others when feeling that way. Too much anger can hurt ourselves though, I know from experience. As Nelson Mandela said "resentment is like drinking the poison and expecting your enemy to die." I haven't found the way out of resentment either, so I am not judging you. Just wish for us both to find a way to healthfully channel our anger and not let it eat us alive. You deserve internal peace and healing.

Big big hugs. Wishing you light and peace in your day.

[jj]

(((((shatteredhopes)))))))

thanks for that advice. i did have a look in the ACA but unfortunately there are no meetings in the city im in in the UK. but alot of what i read on there does sound alot like me and how i think and feel. so thankyou for that, i think ill try reading some of articles and related things. might help me let go of some of these feelings.

i think youre right. i know i dont deserve what he did to me, and i do deserve better, but its just troubling me that now, even a year and a half after he is gone that it still affects me. these few clear sharp memories that i keep remembering. and when i remember them it makes me feel angry all over again and makes me hate my dad all over again for what he did. when im not remembering these memories i just dont think abuot my dad at all, and my life goes on. and it is okay. but the thing that happened last week has just brought it all back up again. which is why im struggling now. and struggling to forget again.

i really like that mandela quote, ill write that down... it makes sense... it just cant seem to let go of the resentment tho.. i feel so wronged. and it upsets me that he is living his life now, and the only way i can punish him is by shutting him off from my life completely and holding onto this hate that i have. but i know deep down that that is only punishing myself. and to move on i have to accept what happened. but i just cant do that. i cant. i need him to stop drinking and admit he was wrong and be sorry or something before i can accept and even contemplate forgiveness.

thankyou so much for reading and responding shattered. means alot alot.

jj

[be11a]

Hi JJ -

I read your story and I agree with Shattered - you didn't deserve the treatment you got from your Dad. Your father sounds like a wretchedly unhappy man who was selfish and uncaring. Its awful how much our parents can hurt us - and as children we are so vulnerable. I would think that almost all little girls love their parents and think they should stay together - so your feelings at 11 are those of most young girls. It was your Mom's responsibility as the parent to make the best decision for herself and her children - even if it went against your wishes. (Think if you had a child and were in a similar situation - even if the child wanted everyone to stay together, would you allow it? I don't think I would.) Of course in your Mom's defense alcoholism affects all the members in the family - even the ones who aren't alcoholic. So please don't feel responsible for your Mom allowing your Dad to stay.

I also agree with Shattered (and you) that getting as much information from ACA as you can would be good. Sometimes they have online meetings too - so maybe you could attend that way. Often in meetings, the people attending will share their own experience and you can learn from them instead of having to discover everything on your own.

Forgiveness has been problematic for me too. In the end I think I have to forgive, but not for the other person - for me. Because I don't want to go around being angry or bitter. For me, its not about the other person and whether they are sorry - its about whether I want that person to control my life long after the fact. At first I couldn't imagine forgiving - but I struggled very hard to understand the other side and my role too. In the end I discovered that (1) I have to accept that life isn't fair all the time; (2) the worst fate the other person could have was just to be himself; (3) that I still could choose to be happy and (4) that I could "harness" my anger and fear and use them to achieve something worthwhile. Some people who have acheived great things were driven by their anger at injustice. Use your feelings to do good - find your niche.

Please don't feel bad for opening up. I consider you my friend and would never think less of you no matter what you disclose. I hate it that you still feel so much pain, and wish I had a magic balm to make you feel better. I do believe in you. Feel better soon - and reach out anytime you want to talk. ((((((JJ)))))))

Bella

PS (((((((Shattered)))))))))) as usual, your words are filled with wisdom - thank you for sharing. I found the quote to be right on.

[Obayan]

JJ, sending you lot of love and hugs and good thoughts my friend.

[jj]

(((((((((bella))))))))))
(((((((((obayan)))))))
(((((((((shattered)))))

thankyou for all the support and care. you guys are awesome

bella, i agree, i know that in holding onto this even tho i think its the only way i can punish him, i know it is punishing me really. i just dont know how to accept it all, or if i can. i feel like i cant just accept it. its just not fair. it feels like he is getting away with everything if i just accept it. i know i need to, in order to move forward. but i just dont know how. maybe im just not ready yet? im not sure.
also... i just dont know if my dad really has a bad fate living with himself. he still hasnt accepted he has a problem and that he *was* the problem, so he is just still living his life feeling he has been injusticed, so surely that would mean no remorse or regret. i just want him to be sorry for what he did.
but yes i do see some positives from the whole thing. i do want to do good, i want to do good by and for people.

hey, if you ever find that magic balm ill happily try a free tester

thanks again ((((((((Bella)))))))) your words have given me food for thought, i just need to think about *how* i can do all this though.

thanks you lovely people

jj

[crystalgaze]

Hi jj! i just wanted to say that I read your post & that I think you will get through in time.

The good thing is you are AWARE of what's happening. I think everything is much harder when oblivion stands in the way....

Don't be afraid to shine your light..... because I still do believe very much that it is there. It can blast away the darkness..... There is a struggle, but I think your light will keep it at bay where it belongs.

Sorry if I talked in a riddle; that was just the best way I could describe it at the moment.

[jj]

(((((crystalgaze)))))))

no it made sense to me.. thanks crystal... the light is there... i know its there somewhere.. its just flickering at the moment :S

jj

[jj]

I have made a lot of progress through my own hard work and help in therapy. I have days where I don't feel depressed at all, and periods where I still do. I just find this journey so very confusing at times. I am less often emotionally unstable like I used to be. The highs are less high, the lows are less low, it's all starting to even out, but for me this is new territory and I find it really hard to experience at times. I'm not complaining ... I am so glad I am away from where I used to be, but change is scary, unfamiliar, hard to adjust to.


For so long I got used to the extremes, going from elated and feeling great to crashing back down to reality and the back to the pain and sorrow. It was bouncing around but it was consistently bouncing around. Now I am more balanced, less extremes, but it is inconsistent. Ill have a few days of feeling good, productive, stable, okay with life, content and all those nice things. And then a few weeks of being unmotivated, slacking, isolating, what I would describe myself as 'being a bum'.


My issues before all centered around the abuse I grew up with, and my thoughts and feelings about my dad, but he is gone now, and I've talked extensively about it in therapy. I am at peace with that now, or at least I am most of the time, it still crops up when I'm in a really bad spot, but mostly it is done with. So I'm left wondering why?? Why am I still getting down, not being where I want to be, where I need to be.... I know depression doesn't always have a reason, but for me, it has, it was circumstantial, but I've got through that and I've grown up. I'm at university, I live with people, how I live now, is not how I lived then.... So why am I still here?


I think maybe I'm not being patient enough? But I feel I've been soooo patient! I don't want to accept any less than being stable, able to love, and motivated to do the things I want to do. But I don't know where that motivation is, and when it is here it only stays for a couple of days..


I need a reason for this. Cos it's horrible not knowing why. I feel maybe i am just being lazy now. But where does laziness end and depression start. Gah i feel im going around in circles the amount of times ive had these conversations with myself, it doesn't matter where that line is, cos I still can't get passed it.

I wonder if im just being defeatist and trying to find reasons for things that aren't things? Am I creating a drama that's not there. I feel like I'm going crazy and creating problems in my head so I can have a reason to procrastinate from all the things I should be doing maybe? But if that's the case then that's messed up... and if that is the case then I hate that I am aware of it!!


I feel like I have myself figured out but not at all. Why am I not how I want to be? Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. It all comes down to responsibility doesn't it really. Need to stop accepting that things are happening to me and take responsibility for myself and dictate my own life.


Maybe i just need Drama and extremes cos that is what im used to? blah i am well aware this is a big old spew of thoughts. i hate having awareness haha... i want to be a baby and be taken care of.

But no, i do want to be responsible for myself now, I feel like its time that I should be, and that I am ready to be responsible. I just don't know how to be.


I feel so confused, and confused as to what I'm confused about. I feel like its to do with blame, and responsibility. Yes, that's it. I'm shifting from blaming my dad, and taking responsibility for myself...


I don't know what I need from posting this. Maybe some encouragement, and a child minder to tell me what to do and when to do it! Ha ha.



...


jj


X

[nenkohai]

You are one courageous lady, jj. You have my big respects.

I understand that feeling of... an emotion blooming in you and then you need to assign it to a cause. Boy, do I get that! Its an effect looking for a cause (sounds weird, but that's how I look at it in myself).

A neghative feeling blooms and my mind starts racing, "ok ok ok... what track do I put this on!? Should this be about X or Y?" Its sorta frantic. I'm looking and looking and looking for an event to associate this feeling with.

I've begun to realize what I'm doing (or what my mind is doing). I've begun to allow these "blooms" to happen without assigning them to anything else. That's what I've called "allowing myself mercy." I see that I've had one of these blooms, I recognize it, acknowledge it and tell myself, "dude, you do not need to assign this to anything (event)! Its just a feeling. It's not the result of a cause."

The feeling my stay with me a while, but I have taken away a major portion of its damage potential. As best as I'm able, I let the feeling just pass on. And it does. It always does. Totally impermanent.

Anyway, jj, this is how I deal. If any of that rings for you, by all means, use it! :) I think the world of you. You've helped me many times. Wishing you all the best.

NK

[jj]

((((Nenkohai)))))

Thanks Nenko, yeps i hear what you are saying completely. It's just I will try to do that, but it won't go... Or maybe I'm not acknowledging and letting go of it again properly. This is what has caused me to need to write a post about it because it is lingering and I need to get on.

I sat with my feelings for about 4 hours this morning before posting here, and it hasn't shifted... I think maybe I'm being stubborn? Haha. I just can't stop asking myself questions, am I not doing what I need to be doing because I'm depressed? Because I don't care? Because I'm lazy. Because I'm not following the right path? Etc etc yeah it does get into a bit of a frenzy.

I think what I'm getting at is how do you get on with things once you've acknowledged that you're feeling a certain way then? I feel incapable of doing things when I am the littlest bit down. Like right now, I acknowledge that I feel down, unmotivated, crappy etc... How do I get on and get stuff done knowing that? Cos I still feel that way! Haha does that make sense?

Big thanks for reading and replying I appreciate it

jj

[anothersadperson]

Hey JJ, just read your story and it resonated deeply with me even though the details of mine are different. Just wanted to congratulate you on having the courage to deal with this now rather than later and to be able to see as straight about it as you can. I'm at the stage you are now with all of the repressed resentment and the missed opportunities that come with being 31. Believe me, one way or another, you need to get free of this now or it will consume you. It will be that much harder when you're my age!

[jj]

My dad died in sunday and my head is a big confused mess. today i am filled with so much self hatred it is physically painful and uncomfortable to be in my body. I feel disgusting and trapped, like i want to get out of my skin. I feel wrong inside and my body feels vile. It hurts in my soul to be me today and i feel paralysed by the pain. I dont know why i hate myself so much because i am a good person and i truly know that. I dont know if i am more sad at the fact my dad died or the fact that its bringing back all the painful memories. I am finding it so impossible and horrible to imagine being in the same room as him, despite the fact that he's just gonna be a dead body in a coffin. It terrifies me. Its really difficult for me to think of him as a human, as a being with conciousness, because to get through all the torment i stopped thinking of him as a person. In my head hes just a monster, an abstract idea, made up of a collection of moment memories. The fact he is a life and a life that has died is confusing to me.

I dont know if in his death i hate him? I was *just* coming to terms with all that has happened in the past and really finally coming to a place of acceptance. Its so confusing now to process it all in light of his death. Should my thoughts and feelings change? Should i have empathy because hes actually dead now because of his actions. Hes dead. He died. Im alive. So i should be grateful i didnt waste my life away at the end of a bottle of brandy.

Im angry, but it saddens me to wonder if he died having one last drink. That he died alone. Did he die in pain? In his sleep? I hate him. I forgive him. I did all i could do, we all did. But hes dead.

I feel so wrong and disgusting inside. I feel so so so confused. I feel so lost. I feel sick. And i feel so tired.

[Frame]

What a gargantuan act of Love to be sorting all this out inside. It's an act love for yourself and those around you. Yes, you deserve to allow your self to be loved. And your allowed to seek goodness within.

One gift your father gave you is he made you strong. Your strength is an asset the world could use right now; it seems to me in short supply, certainly within myself.

But there is no doubt in my mind you have a great many other wonderful gifts to show the world. Don't be in to much of a hurry. I have a sense this is going to take some time.

[Frame]

Oh, and Thanks for sharing.