Depression Understood Forums

Where do I start? Childhood or The last 6 yrs. for now I will only present
the last 6 yrs.

I was involved in a relationship with a man that had many past emotional issues not to mention he had problems with alcohol. The first 6 months were as if in heaven, it was only after I had invested emotionally to him
that I realized something deeper was wrong. it was his constant mood
swings and his constant re affirmation of who he was, led me to investigate bi polar disorder. During the past 6 yrs of involvement with
him I was emotionally drained constantly, You see I was his emotoinal beating post. He had many names for me, as well many put downs. amongst which were: Lack of intellectualism, inadequete Social skills,
Culturally inept.
I was left perplexed at how each person he associated with he would point out all their flaws, yet when anyone of them would enter his home they were greeted as if they were indeed his best friend.

Long story short I went through one of the most draining experiences of my life. This experience has left me lacking greatly, confidence in myself as well questioning my ability to ever trust in another. Depression has become a daily part of my life. (He has moved onto another relationship)
There is more than I dare to reveal of what I allowed myself to go through with him.

I was in a relationship a few years ago for just over a year at a point when i was pretty fragile. I kept justifying his awful borderline abusive behavior as his illness...i loved him and wouldn't leave someone who had cancer, why would i leave someone for their mental illness? He dumped me in the end, which was actually a 'blessing in disguise' because as much as it hurt, that brief relationship drained me and destroyed what little self confidence i had and shattered my trust and my heart at a point when i couldn't take it because i had been through so much prior to the relationship and during aside from him.

So hon, I empathize so much. I understand how hard it is to see someone who left you in ruins move on with someone else too, when you can't even conceive how you could ever trust again. But I can tell you today I have a man in my life who is more of a best friend who is very very kind to me and is somewhat restoring my faith in people a little bit.

I struggle with this too, how to move on late in life when you've had a lifetime it seems of hard knocks. But you don't have to be alone in this struggle. You not only have this forum, but there is a chatroom connected to this site where you will find caring people struggling too.

I read a book called "How to fall out of love" by Dr. Debra Phillips which takes a behavior modification approach to getting over an ex. One of the parts of the book is designed to rebuild your self esteem. I highly recommend it, its not a panacea or wasn't for me, but helped.

I look forward to you sharing more about what you've been through as you feel comfortable. There are others on this site who have surived abusive relationships who might be able to tell you how they moved on. I know when I was young i was 'trapped' in the cycle of an abusive relationship where i was beaten often, and i promised myself i would never allow myself to get in the position again which is why i was so angry with myself for that last relationship...

One other thing you might do, try to attend an al-anon meeting. You said he had a drinking problem and the people there are very familiar with the wreckage left by loved ones who have problems with alcohol abuse. You might find some supportive people who can help you find healing.

BIG BIG HUGS. I wish there was something I could say to ease the pain. But please know others here are listening and may be able to relate and want to support you if we can.

Wishing you love and light in your day.

Dear: Shatteredhopes

Thank you so much for sharing. I don't feel so alone now, It feels good
to know that someone out there understands why I couldn't just walk
away, When every fiber of my being kept telling me to do so. Re:
your suggestion regarding Alanon. As stated I have a past long before
the past 6 yrs. I did indeed frequent not only Alanon, but A.A. as well
not because of my problem. but to learn how to understand some of
my childhood as well My son's fathers problem with Alchohol and yes
the physical abuse I endured in childhood as well My son's father's
physical abuse. I look forward to obtaining the book you suggested.
If non relative at least my mind will be fed. You are right there is as
you read what has just been written, much much more to my past.
It will take time to reopen closed doors. If not for myself but that I
may be of help to another.