No turning back ,

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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xken728
Posts: 178
Joined: Sat Oct 09, 2010 4:18 pm

No turning back ,

Postby xken728 » Sat Oct 09, 2010 4:45 pm

ive always been able to turn around and look back down this long dark road ive traveled, i can see the youth who destroyed his life and lost his family and his freinds ,I see the young girl who who become my wonderful wife Fran.and of course our two lovely girls ,and i see the life i have made for us all .they are happy and content ,but still i
struggle daily with the dark negative thoughts that sheilds this good life from my veiw, surrounded by so much love and happiness,but it cannot penatrate the sheild of darkness and misery that surrounds me .
I could always look ahead ,as bad as things seemed and would manage to get through the long hard days.most people carry out this task without a thought happy smiling faces.but this is a harsh cold world for me full of strange fears i dont understand .
over the last week or so the darkness has crept in ever closer and i dont see the days ahead now .i just feel and make my way through the dark clouds that cover me ,the part that hurts the most is i can see my pain in fran eyes she to looks for answers .im breaking her heart,and the pain just gets worse ,ive started a new job and it has not been easy for either of us ,i must turn this around before it gets any worse ,i know many of you have shown concern for myself and fran .were ok .fran has had a good summer the car with aircon has been a great help and as you well know she will be looked after irespective of how i feel , Thankyou all
ok its late for me now ,i hope your all well xken728
Last edited by xken728 on Tue Oct 12, 2010 3:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Sat Oct 09, 2010 7:26 pm

(((((((((((( Ken )))))))))))))))

Welcome back, it's been a long time.

Warmie
“If we admit our depression openly and freely, those around us get from it an experience of freedom rather than the depression itself.”
--- Dr. Rollo May
Sunshine, smiles and love.

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xken728
Posts: 178
Joined: Sat Oct 09, 2010 4:18 pm

Thankyou .

Postby xken728 » Sun Oct 10, 2010 3:37 pm

Thankyou Warmie,
yes its been a while i hope your well. the forum wouldent let me back in with my old nick ,so i had to use the new one .its maybe a good thing i leave the warrior behind he will keep the visitor locked away in the old profile and leave me free to get better and enjoy the rest of my years
My mental state has been very low the last few days ,and it has hurt me to see fran also touched by my suffering,the phychologist thing didnt go well,they see me as an interesting case,the way i deal with my illness
and it just seems like their in it for there interest and not mine .
So i must not live in the past anymore,and the payback has ended.myself and fran have had a great day today.out to a car boot sale .then a morning coffee and into a local town shopping ,Fran made a lovely stew for teatime ,im just loading some music on my ipod and then we,ll watch some tv .Frans chest has been not to bad lately a little short of breath now and then but nothing to bad .thanks for the greeting hope the rest of your days ok hope the porch and the other work went well autum is closing in here im not sure if we share the same seasons ,best wishes Ken and Fran ,
Last edited by xken728 on Mon Oct 11, 2010 4:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Sun Oct 10, 2010 6:49 pm

(((((((((((( Ken ))))))))))))))

Just take care of yourself and your family. Know there have been many here that has asked about you, concerned about you. Now they can see you are back. This is good.

Warmie
“If we admit our depression openly and freely, those around us get from it an experience of freedom rather than the depression itself.”

--- Dr. Rollo May

Sunshine, smiles and love.



Depression Forums | Depression Chat Rooms | Depression Blogs



http://www.depression-understood.org/

xken728
Posts: 178
Joined: Sat Oct 09, 2010 4:18 pm

Run down

Postby xken728 » Mon Oct 11, 2010 4:37 pm

Thanks again warmie ,yes i know i would have caused concern
not intentional of course ,You know i would come here to the forum most
days and try and support my many freinds and newcombers also ,i would read their pain and suck it up like a sponge,I have Fran here sometimes very poorly ,add to that the girls little problems ,ya know broken cars ,
boyfreind troubles etc ,Remember i always said would carry that pain and
i did ,But there was one person i left out and forgot to look after .
Myself of course ,i was run down by the weight i had carried .
i have many freinds here and not having spoken to them for so long i dont know how they are ,but i hope they will understand that i must look after myself and feel better for my two girls and of course Fran .
I will have kind words and support for everyone ,but i have much to do here at home and i intend to enjoy the rest of my life without the darkness that has shadowed my life for so long ,thankyou for all your support and kind words ,i have things to tell you all ,but its late now ,ill leave it till another night ,,,Goodnight Ken and Fran
Last edited by xken728 on Tue Oct 12, 2010 3:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.
To hold my wife in my arms and tell her it will be ok ,is all i can do ,why is life so painful for us both .I wonder were it will all end .
I love you so much Fran ,I know it must be so frightening for you ,I will be your breath and i will never let you slip away from me
Your love always xxxxxxxxx...your Boo.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Mon Oct 11, 2010 8:03 pm

Ken, I am sure the other friends in here will soon find you and be very pleased to see you back. You do what is right for you.

Best to you and your family. Do take care.

Warmie
“If we admit our depression openly and freely, those around us get from it an experience of freedom rather than the depression itself.”

--- Dr. Rollo May

Sunshine, smiles and love.



Depression Forums | Depression Chat Rooms | Depression Blogs



http://www.depression-understood.org/

Monty
Posts: 830
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2009 3:44 pm
Location: Canada

Postby Monty » Mon Oct 11, 2010 11:41 pm

I am so glad to see that you have posted again Ken.

We have missed you.

I am on a little holiday, using someone else's computer so I can't write too much now.

Welcome back old friend.
Monty

xken728
Posts: 178
Joined: Sat Oct 09, 2010 4:18 pm

HELLO WARMIE AND MONTY

Postby xken728 » Tue Oct 12, 2010 3:19 pm

Hi warmie ,im sure your right about our freinds ,i wont be here all the time ,but ill be around .My dear freinds should not worry so much when i remain silent ,My love Fran wont let me come to any harm .
And Monty its good to hear you ,i hope your feeling ok ,thanks for the welcome ,now you enjoy your holiday ,Fran and myself are well and as you will have read ,im trying to turn my life around ,bye for now ,
Best wishes Ken and Fran,
To hold my wife in my arms and tell her it will be ok ,is all i can do ,why is life so painful for us both .I wonder were it will all end .

I love you so much Fran ,I know it must be so frightening for you ,I will be your breath and i will never let you slip away from me

Your love always xxxxxxxxx...your Boo.

xken728
Posts: 178
Joined: Sat Oct 09, 2010 4:18 pm

Robyn and John

Postby xken728 » Tue Oct 12, 2010 3:41 pm

Robyn i saw somewere a message you had left telling me about the progress with you expecting ,im glad to hear your well ,
I hope you and John are happy ,he will look after you ,best wishes
Ken and Fran ,,were both ok
To hold my wife in my arms and tell her it will be ok ,is all i can do ,why is life so painful for us both .I wonder were it will all end .

I love you so much Fran ,I know it must be so frightening for you ,I will be your breath and i will never let you slip away from me

Your love always xxxxxxxxx...your Boo.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Tue Oct 12, 2010 5:10 pm

Ken,

Friends worry, what we do best, and so pleased you are putting yourself and family first. As it should be. Be here when it is right for you and know we care lots.

Oh yes, I love the picture you put on, thank you so much for sharing. Wonderful picture, of course, wonderful couple.

Warmie
“If we admit our depression openly and freely, those around us get from it an experience of freedom rather than the depression itself.”

--- Dr. Rollo May

Sunshine, smiles and love.



Depression Forums | Depression Chat Rooms | Depression Blogs



http://www.depression-understood.org/

xken728
Posts: 178
Joined: Sat Oct 09, 2010 4:18 pm

Thanks again

Postby xken728 » Wed Oct 13, 2010 3:38 pm

Thanks again Warmie ,yes i know about worrying ,and i know you along with my other good freinds care ,Youve always been kind .
Im glad you like the picture, Myself and Fran love that paticular one as well, It was taken on frans 50th birthday ,,Im going to try and stay with this one thread now ,it will be easier for me to follow ,we have a little dog now called jack . ill write more about him soon .
Fran and i went for a nice meal today at a local weatherspoons .dont know if you have them over there ,it has been quite sunny here but a little cool .okay best wishes for now .have a good rest of your day .
Ken and Fran,
To hold my wife in my arms and tell her it will be ok ,is all i can do ,why is life so painful for us both .I wonder were it will all end .

I love you so much Fran ,I know it must be so frightening for you ,I will be your breath and i will never let you slip away from me

Your love always xxxxxxxxx...your Boo.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Wed Oct 13, 2010 11:15 pm

(((((((((((( ken )))))))))))) a little hug for you and Fran. Night, hope you slept well.

Warmie
“If we admit our depression openly and freely, those around us get from it an experience of freedom rather than the depression itself.”

--- Dr. Rollo May

Sunshine, smiles and love.



Depression Forums | Depression Chat Rooms | Depression Blogs



http://www.depression-understood.org/

lisalou
Posts: 722
Joined: Thu Oct 01, 2009 1:48 pm
Location: Brighton, England

Postby lisalou » Thu Oct 14, 2010 1:45 pm

KENNY POP IS BACK!!!!! oh ken i cant tell you how excited and pleased i am to see you back on the forum and know youre ok. i have been away this week in dorset visiting mark's family so sorry for late reply. i'm really glad that fran has been quite well and hope she will remain that way even as the weather gets colder. oh wow it's just so good to read your words again and know what youre up to. what is your new job? how are you finding it? i'm still off sick, been having a lot of support up at the hospital. me and mark's relationship has been really strong though. we just celebrated our 4 year anniversary a couple of months ago. he is co directing a play at the moment and i have been helping out a bit. i have been better enough to socialise with him a lot more too and see friends. going away and visiting his family and being away from home was really draining but i coped a lot better than i thought i would and am proud. so what kind of dog is jack? must be lovely to have another pet. and are the ferrets still good? you know i was inspired by you and fran the other day and got a vines cd.

oh so much to say but i am tired and struggling to type so i'll just say welcome home and bung another jacket spud on that fire....

Lisa xxx

xken728
Posts: 178
Joined: Sat Oct 09, 2010 4:18 pm

Hi Warmie and Lisa

Postby xken728 » Thu Oct 14, 2010 3:50 pm

Well warmie thankyou we both slept not to bad ,having started the new job ,we can get something here called taxs credits ,a little top up as i cant work full time due to illness ,it usally gets sorted quite quickly ,but its been 8 weeks now and money is very tight ,this has been keeping us awake a little .it will all fall into place soon thanks for the thought .
And Lisa you take it easy ,im glad to hear you and mark are good ,and i,ll tell fran you said those nice things .She knows about the forum now ,shes a little unsure about it ,weve talked a little about the visitor ,im not going to say to much at a time as im tired these days work is quite strenuous but i enjoy it ,only sixteen hrs a week ,its in a d.i.y shop just about 2 miles from home ,i deliver stuff in the van and do repairs on the owners flats and bedsits .Fran is doing good she has had a little obstruction on her lungs the last couple of days .but well keep an eye on it .Fran likes the vines infact she had the cd on in the car not so long ago .ok im going to close now ,i,ll tell everyone about lots of things ,jack and how we got the car .the disastrous clinical phycologist ,and the condition management program i attended ,im going to keep everything here in this thread it saves confustion for me . I was locked out of my old profile thats why my name has changed slightly its seems strange to see ive only written a few posts ,The visitor is locked in the old profile Lisa and it will not return .im not cured but im better i dont fear the next day coming anymore and i enjoy my music and a little tv at night .Its good to hear your feeling well and mark is looking after you he is strong , OK Jack is a cross between a phantom poodle and a jack russell he,s fairly small and apricot colour with very tight curls ,i must admit he looks as near as a toy teddy as you can get ,oh the ferrets are fine .
A well thats it for now im a little tired ,,,Happy 4th anniversary
best wishes Ken and Fran Goodnight all
To hold my wife in my arms and tell her it will be ok ,is all i can do ,why is life so painful for us both .I wonder were it will all end .

I love you so much Fran ,I know it must be so frightening for you ,I will be your breath and i will never let you slip away from me

Your love always xxxxxxxxx...your Boo.

lisalou
Posts: 722
Joined: Thu Oct 01, 2009 1:48 pm
Location: Brighton, England

Postby lisalou » Fri Oct 15, 2010 1:24 pm

jack sounds really cute! hope you and fran are having a good day today ken. it really pleased me to hear that things are a little brighter for you and you dont dread each day anymore. i think thats one of the worst things about depression,that every morning just feels like a punishment and you cant face the day because it all seems unbearable. its good that you can share some of the things in your mind with fran and tell her about the forum. i have always told mark about being on here but he respects my privacy and doesnt read anything. i am very proud of you that you are managing to do your new job, i bet you are very handy at the whole d.i.y thing. hopefully the tax credits will kick in soon. we aren't eligible for them but i am getting d.l.a now,i had a tribunal which was a right ordeal but ultimately successful. so now i get enough money to pay my half of the bills again which really helps mark out and have a bit left over for myself. we are going to a comedy stand up night tonight,our friend is in it. am really really not in the mood but i have been pushing myself to do more and more socially and generally it helps. have a blinder of a headache though,getting lots of them again and toothache too,phoned dentist to make an appointment and next one is 10th december!!!!!! ridiculous isnt it. bloody nhs. thank you mr cameron!

hope you and your family have a good weekend

so glad to have you back. bring on the gusset humour!!!!!

Lisa x


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