My story (long and detailed)

[Magorz]

This is my story.

I have never told this whole story to anyone in this great a detail. I wanted to write it in this detail though, since this is how I feel and have felt.
Most just know a part, depending on who they are and what I wanted to tell them.
I haven't gone through any physical or mental abuse so I do not think this story is triggering, if it is then I sincerely apologise.

I kept my depression a secret to most, only my mum and three of my best friends (who I consider as `sisters´, since we´re that close), know about it.
I recently told my mentor at my new college as well and my former psychologist obviously knows as well. Having said that, I don´t see the psychologist anymore and my mum thinks I´m fine.
I think she never fully understood how severe it has become, describing it as `my little downs´. My friends however are such a huge support.
They understand (one of them has been depressed herself and the other two know people who were depressed) ,as far as they can, and never fail to cheer me up.

Another thing I´d like to mention at the start, is that I probably have a light form of depression (unoffically told to me by my former psychologist) but
I knew it would probably be that since I looked up quite some symptoms.
I am still functional.
(studying doesn´t go that well though)

I think I´ll start off with my family situation and such.
I was born two months too early in august 1991, a little boy weighing just 2 pounds.
I have a little brother who is one and a half years younger than me.
Sadly, my dad passed away when I was 6 years old at the age of 39. He had an heart attack.(1998, now 12, nearly 13 years ago)
My mum got a new boyfriend when I was 12 years old and after half a year/ a year of being together they decided we were going to live together.

Her now ex/boyfriend has three children. His wife passed away around half a year before he started dating my mum.
The way I see it now, it might have been part of the reason why the relationship between my mum and his kids didn´t work out that well.
So the boyfriend had three children.
The oldest girl, being 18 at the time,
The youngest girl, who was 15 back then,
His son, who was 14 back then.


The oldest daughter ran away from home after she turned 18 ,three months after we started living together.She went to her boyfriend.
My mum and her boyfriend went to her and tried to convince her into coming back, which lead to some violent phsyical behaviour of her boyfriend
and my mum and her boyfriend went home, having the cops at our place a day later. Luckily that didn´t cause troubles for us.
Basically she was the one to break off all contact and we didn´t speak to her nor see her again.
I think she couldn't deal living with my mum.

We had a lot of difficulties dealing with the son, in everyday life. In the beginning (first two or three months) I was bullied by him but this
stopped quite quickly.
After a while we knew something was wrong and it turned out he was an extremely heavy autist.
Around that point my mum and her boyfriend started arguing a lot, mostly during dinner. Nearly every other day, and quite often about the son and his
behaviour in general.
Things went so bad it nearly came to a breakup, and then we decided the son had to move out to live in an
environment where he could learn how to behave and such. He came home every other weekend and things calmed down and went ok for quite a while.

Slightly over two years ago my mum broke up with her now ex boyfriend. She didn´t love him anymore and too much had happened.
Another reason was that she didn´t want me and my little brother to go through a rough time again, she only mentioned that once
when she told us they were going to break up but I do think this was a huge motivation for her to break up with him.
They are still good friends though.
It took nearly a year to sell the house, and almost another to find a new house.
My mum, little brother and I still live there now, one year after we moved in.


I hit depression when I was 16. This got triggered by what I think was a result of everything that happened to me. The actual event that set it off
took place in february 2008. We went on a holiday, I somehow fell in love with a girl within that week, never told her about how I felt, after that week
I didn´t see or talk to her again. It obviously was unrequited since I barely had any contact with her, I was quite shy. When I came back I felt
hopeless and fed up, and the depression somehow kicked in. It was my 6th unrequited love.
I never had a girlfriend and I never told any of those girls I loved that I did, except for one and she rejected me ( november 2007, being 16 years old).
Most of these unrequited loves took place during the same time as we had some troubles at home. As for most of them, I found out they didn´t love me.
I also didn´t perform that great at school when I was 13/14 and 16 (when I was 16 because of the depression, 13/14 because I wasn´t used to studying yet). I nearly dropped out
at those times, the first time I got support by attending homework classes and the second time I just barely made it somehow.
After that things went quite well and I graduated with good marks.

I think I can say that the simulateous home situation/unrequited loves/bad grades (not always all at once, but there was allways something) caused my
depression. I think I should also mention that, (maybe even before depression), I started numbing and pushing aside a lot of my hurting, sad and other negative emotions when I was depressed. Mostly when I get stressed these pushed aside emotions tend to push to the surface and make me feel more depressed. I don´t know wether these are all emotions from long ago or just the ones I numb these days.

I told my mum about the depression after a year of trying to deal with it on my own. I told her that I was depressed because of all the things that had happened
between her and her ex and his children (which was a part of it but I wanted to keep the rest to myself).
She sent me to a paranormal lady that performed an alternative healing method on me (which had to do with chakras and other weird stuff but it helped!)
This actually worked really well and I can say I somehow felt totally free from depression for about a year!

Depression hit me again around February/March 2010. This is when I came looking for support in the chatroom as well.
It got set off by one huge ball of stress, including another unrequited love and a bad performance at college.
I fell in love with a friend, one of my best friends, I mentioned her above. By this time I had enrolled into my first year of college,
she was a classmate of mine.
Because I didn´t know her THAT well in the beginning I had some sort of hope that she liked me as well,
her behaviour when she drank some alcohol didn´t help at all (she´d say things like `I love you´ while meaning she cares
about me but not being in love). That caused stress and confusion, and my performance at college also dropped.
So I became depressed again, and at one point told her about it, she gave me a lot of support and pushed me into
telling my mom. I did so and I went to a psychologist for 6 sessions. I didn´t come back after a certain point, didn´t want to deal with all of it anymore.
By that time I had told two friends friends and could deal with the depression a bit better. That didn´t prevent me from dropping out of college.
(I´m also not in love with that girl anymore, since I know her way better now and I knew I didn´t have a chance. She´s like an older sister to me now.)

As of now, I´m 19 years old, having dealt with depression for about 2 and half year so far,
and I´m enrolled in my first year at an other college, still studying for the same thing( becoming an English teacher).
Depression is giving me a hard time though, I can´t get motivated or concentrated enough to do my homework.
So I´m a bit afraid of dropping out again, hence why I told my mentor about the depression.
Sometimes I doubt that I still want to teach, but I think it´s the depression talking, or at least because of the depression.
I came to the conclusion that I don´t want a girlfriend right now and I`m happy to have some great friends.
Lately I´ve been worrying about my mum a bit. She´s been through a lot, and is temporary in a sort of disability
(her wrists were overloaded by lifting too much weight and using them too much)
. I know she had a very hard time with the breakup and mainly when we only just moved in in the new house I noticed she´s been struggling,
even though she doesn´t let us notice it. She´s going to study again though, so she has a back up which is good.
Also, I´m seriously considering getting professional help again since depression affects my studying too much next to
the obvious feeling low, hurt etc. of depression.

I think everything will be allright as long as I´ve got the ones I love around me, because that´s what´s most important.

Magorz a.k.a Mango

[Obayan]

Magorz, hey there sweetie. It's good to see you on the forums as well as in the chat room. A lot of help to be gotten here hon.

As for "being in love".... love is such a tricky word. Is it possible that you have been in love with the idea of being in love and not actually with the people themselves? Could that be why you are no longer "in love" with them? You said yourself, you didn't even know this girl very well. I think it's good that you are happy with having friends now and are taking steps to continue your education and achieve your dreams. I know you have such a huge heart and are so caring. Please keep us up to date on how you are doing.

huge huggs being sent your way hon.

[Magorz]

As for being in love, before I hit depression I do think I kind of overreacted,
probably hormones rushing through my body.
But as for the last time I felt it I was 100 percent sure it's because of her and not the idea of being in love.

[Obayan]

Magorz, I do hope you find what you are looking for hon. I really do.

[davey]

hi magorz,

read your account, sounds to me like you mustn't let depression get the better of you, easy to say i know,

but if you analyse the thoughts and fears that arise in moments where you feel you cant handle you might be able to tackle your depression better -

im depressed beacuse of my inability to socialise/deal with stress,

why exactly are you depressed? what is it that triggers it?

[crystalgaze]

Just a hello to some posters I missed! Wishing for us all better days!!