Yet another story.

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Yet another story.

Postby KayDee » Mon Sep 27, 2010 2:21 pm

Hello, grab a seat, time for my story. I know it's not one that deserves sympathy or anything, I've read stories on here that make mine sound like a walk in the park, but here goes.

As far back as I can remember I've always being reffered to as stupid and an idiot by people, being the kid who sat in the corner of the playground reading a book and occasionally having footballs kicked at his head, no good at sports, a 6 year old with a record collection and a penchánt for just wanting to be left alone. Contrary to what was said previously, I was (and still am) an intelligent kid, worked out the whole malarky behind christmas whilst my age was in single figures, would question absolutly everything (an equal curse and blessing for my family and teachers), I lack academic intelligence but I can think and ponder like a professional. So fast forward the hellish years of primary school and I moved onto secondry school, three of them infact, in three different parts of the country, eventually ending up in South Wales, hoping for a new start I got the exact opposite, a northerner in a Welsh school was, to them anyway, the equivalent of sending Adolf Hitler to a Barmitzvah, over the course of my time there I was bullied, beaten, abused and hung from a pipe until I went blue (no exaggeration there), no matter how much my folks complained to the school nothing ever got done, if anything it made it all worse. This resulted in me pretty much not turning up at all for my last year and a half at school, I figured I could educate myself a lot better by reading books at home, at least doing that I wouldn't get abuse, spent a lot of time in libraries and avoiding the truant officers, the ones who insisted that I couldn't teach myself anything, ah, the education system, don't you just love it? I returned to sit (and fail) my GCSE's and went off to college. College in comparison was a breeze, for the first time in my life I had people who I could call friends, many of them I'm still friends with, of course some of the bullies decided that college was for them as well but luckily most of them didn't last there. I got my GCSE equivalents there (which I usually refer to as actual GCSE's, nobody ever checks them anyway) and all was going great and then my parents decided to split, in quite a messy way which then dragged me into the firing line, the split I could handle, the fact the my dad had run off with another woman was very hard to handle, the fact that she was the sister of one of the people that made my life hell throughout school was even harder to handle. Lots of thinking over the subject took my mental health much further downhill and resulted in a breakdown on my part. I took me a longtime to recover but then I was offered housing to get me away from the village and misery I lived in, great! Another new start and it was great, I had freedom, I could make new friends and generally surround myself with people who accepted me for the person I was, little did I know a huge relapse would be on the horizon.

It can take many things to bring someone back to the bottom of the barrel, it can be circumstances, envoiroment, or in this case the wrong woman. Without going into detail on the subject but by the time we'd finished she'd left my head akin to a trashed hotel, in the weeks following the break up more and more facts came out about how she'd been screwing me over, this plunged me into more mental hell and self questioning, a suicide attempt, eating problems, borderline alcoholism (which I sorted on my 21st birthday by resolving to quit drinking, which I'm still sticking to 6 years later), 8 months of homelessness after losing my house, a second suicide attempt and to ice the cake off the suicide of a very good friend. I decided that I'd have to swallow my pride and move back home, it was the only place I could be sure of a roof over my head and I knew there I could start to put my life back together.

So I returned home, putting my life back together was no easy feat, it still isn't, the quiet and isolation was as helpful as it was harmful, the physical issues got sorted to a point, I started eating again, managed to get my weight up to 11st (apparently still 5st underweight though) but my head was still in the same place and the thoughts only got darker, and they've managed to get darker overtime. The words I wrote were more concentrated on wanting my life to end (still are to be fair), I was seeing my friends less and less due to living miles away from them and not being able to afford a bus to see them and everyday I felt more isolated. Everyday my saw my life as ever more worthless and wondered how long it would take my friends to notice if I died. Even now, everytime I walk over a bridge etc I always look over the edge and contemplate the pro's and con's of jumping off it, the thoughts of jumping off a cliff, it's gotten to the point where those thoughts to be are more normal than anything else I might think whilst walking across them.

One of the few things that has always helped me is writing and music, I'm a gigging musician and this helps so much with releasing and purging myself of all this, it has resulted in a lot of injuries for me in the past, and it has alarmed the guys I play with when they read my lyrics and see exactly what I'm singing/screaming about, I get told onstage I'm pure catharsis, just living out a mental hell everytime. For those who know this side of me it's the norm, but for my friends who haven't seen that side of me it's a shock, normally followed by questions that I feel uncomfortable, but obliged to answer. I see what I do in that respect as therapy, people can call it what they want but it's what keeps me from doing anything too stupid.

Lately though we've not been playing out much and everything is building up, everything I've been writing lately has been darker than anything I've written before and frankly it scares me, I'm too scared to show the rest of the band as they worry enough about me as it is, but with everything on my mind it's also making me forget to sort certain things out and it's doubling my paranoia that I'm going to mess up soon in a rather big way, a way that will affect a lot of people, I'm just so unsure of what to do. Add to the mix that the last few months I've felt so lonely! I think it's the jealousy that I see all of them so happy and I just wish I could actually be like that, the wish that I could smile, just for once and mean it. The wish that I could go out with them and actually have a good time instead of sitting in the clubs wondering what business I have there, not wanting to talk to anyone because I simply cannot relate myself to any of them, sitting in a roomful of people but feeling like I'm in the middle of a dessert, normally resulting in me finding a quiet area of the smoking bit, sitting down and chain smoking for something to do, or just leaving the club whilst they're not looking and meeting them outside when they leave, I'm great at making excuses and they always buy them.

Everyday I feel more and more out of step with the world, I look at people and don't even think of them as people anymore, I look at them like I'd look at a joint of ham, I look at them and wonder why they're alive, I sit on the benches and figure out ways to end their lives before going on my way to wherever I need to go, still contemplating those thoughts.

There is a tonne more that I could say, I probably will in the future, I'm sorry if this has seemed like a ramble, my concentration is all over the shop. Thank you if you've read this far.
"They're all writers Daisy."

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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Mon Sep 27, 2010 8:27 pm

((((((((((((( KayDee ))))))))))))))

You have had a hard road to travel. The people here are very understanding caring and supportive. I hope you see that and find new friends to vent with, share with and continue posting.

Welcome to the forums, letting you know there is a chat room connected with this site. Feel free to join in there, wonderful people there as well.

“If we admit our depression openly and freely, those around us get from it an experience of freedom rather than the depression itself.”
--- Dr. Rollo May
Sunshine, smiles and love.

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Postby Monty » Mon Sep 27, 2010 9:49 pm

I also read your entire posting.

I think that I have sent a posting your way already tonight. I am glad that you decided to share what is going on with you.

Keep coming here, whenever you want and try to share what is happening inside.

Even though you cannot see us, you now have a forum family there to support you.

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Postby Obayan » Wed Sep 29, 2010 12:51 am

Thank you for sharing with us. I do look forward to getting to know you.

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