non-judgemental advice needed

[Tryingtohavehope]

Recently my past has begun to catch up on me.
I use to talk to a nurse (a friend of my mums - he was a psych nurse). I have never talked about anything to anyone ever since i found out he had told my mum everything.

My parents seperated the day after my 13th birthday. I didn't see my Dad at all on my birthday as he was having an affair and she was more important than his own child.
a couple weeks after they seperated me mum and my brother were living in the family home whilst my dad stayed at a friends. 2 weeks after they sepereated i was taken to his then girlfriends place for her daughters birthday (who happened to be at the same school as me). i caught him and his gf making out on the couch i cried and made him take me home. that night he put his hand through the window and tried to grab me.

I still have nightmares about it. I want them to go away. I want to stop feeling like it was my fault. I want to stop crying myself to sleep. I want to stop waking up in the middle of the night scared that someone will grab me. I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm always the shoulder for my friends. Never have they been my shoulder. I want someone to talk to. I need someone. I can't do this anymore. I don't have much hope left.

I just need some advice on what to do.

Please & Thanks

[Obayan]

Hi. You came to a good place to get some help. Lots of really nice people here who really do care.

I do think you need to speak to a counselor. Not a nurse, a counselor. There's a difference. And not a friend of your mom's. I think you can get a lot of help from it.

[Tryingtohavehope]

But thats the thing. Im so scared to talk to someone because im scared that everyone will find out. see here no one knows me. I don't know what to say when I go see a counsellor. I was thinking of going to the doctors but I dont know what to say.

[Obayan]

If you have a hard time saying it, try writing it all down and give that to them. It will open up a lot of doors to communication. And you can always ask at the very beginning if the sessions are confidential or not.

[Tryingtohavehope]

last time i asked if it was confidential they said yes. but still they told. I went to my school counsellor (when I was at school last year) next minute the teachers knew and so did my friends. I don't want sympathy which is what people tend to give.
I have no trust in anyone because of it (the sympathy and confidentiality & judging).

[Monty]

Welcome,

I also had problems with sharing problems with people. I didn't mind how much my friends would depend on me, but I didn't feel comfortable reciprocating.

Then I got to the point that I couldn't carry on alone. I guess that I made some comment to one of them that was scary.

They jumped right in there and stuck with me. Though that time is long behind me now, I still feel that I leaned on them too much and couldn't do it again if I got sick again.

Whenever I mention it it them they say that if they had to do it over again, they would.

After that experience I think that I find it easier to accept help.

I suppose it is like most things, the more you do it, the easier it gets.

I hope that you can find someone that you trust to confide in.
Remember that you will always find friends here that will listen to you.

No one will pressure you to share but when you are ready, we will be here.

[Tryingtohavehope]

I made an appointment with my doctor and I am now freaking out. i think im going to cancel it. I have to wait until monday.

[Monty]

You took a huge step in making the doctor's appointment.
Sorry that you have to wait the weekend before you see her/him.

Hoping that you will be able to follow through with the appointment.

Post as often as you want if it will help you get through the weekend and into the doctor's office on Monday.

I will keep checking the postings to follow how you are doing.

Take care

[mpal050]

Please go through with it!

Are here any Aunts or Uncles you have who could help?

Talking about stressful things is always hard in the beginning, but the majority of people want to help - even your friends who you may feel uncomfortable with their knowing.

Make sure you tell your doctor EVERYTHING! And and I hope you don't have the same doctor I did when I first asked for help - we're in the same country and theres a 25pc chance we're in the same city even, and I will be waiting with my fingers crossed to see you get some help!

[Tryingtohavehope]

Thanks to the 2 of you, sorry I haven't said anything for a while. I went to the doctor, Went with a coverup (migranes) managed to tell her what i think was causing it and now I have my first appontment with a counsellor on wednesday. Waiting once again. today i decided to type out the history behind how im feeling so i can give her that instead of talking.
still very scared about everything. I told my mum that the doctor has said i have depression and i am being treated differently. I hate it. Can't wait to move city in February, just to have a break at least. I feel like running away is my last chance.

mpal050 - I don't have any aunties or uncles here. dont see my dads side of the family and hardly see mums side as they live in Christchurch. So its just me and my mum.

My brother moves back to australia on November the 4th and its hard knowing im losing him when i only just got my brother back from over there.

[mpal050]

Would it be a big deal and the end of the world if your friends did worry? Maybe you need it. I know what you mean about people changing their behaviour around you, so maybe address these people who know and tell them you're still the same girl and don't want to be treated differently.

In saying that - do know when to ask for help, otherwise people will worry more and act differently! It looks like you do though.

This sounds cheesy but have you got any extra curricular activities or hobbies? Like a dance class or indoor netball or tramping? I'm not sure what kind of things you're into but my sister is studying and teaching dance in CHCH and can get you into a hip hop class or jazz class?

[Tryingtohavehope]

Its the fact of telling them things. i'm not a very open person. I hate being centre of attention. It a bit hard to tell my mum to stop treating me differently because she doesn't realise it and it would hurt her to realise that she is treating me differently.

yeah i do St John cadets and work fulltime so i have like no freetime. , I live in aux - only mums family lives in ChCh Thanks tho

[Monty]

I used to have a lot of trouble sharing (those who read my postings to the forum probably figure that is a stretch).

My first visits to a counsellor, I just sat and looked back at them. Sometimes I would leave after 10 minutes because I just didn't have anything to say.

Then I got a counsellor in which was a good fit. She had trouble keeping me just to the hour.

When I started with her I would also write notes. One thing that I learned about that behavior was that if I gave the notes to her, it was too long to read. What I then did was write little stuff during the week, then come a few minutes early to the appointment and just sit there and review my own notes.

It worked for me for a while, then it got that I would just spend a quiet half an hour, before going in to the appointment just trying to focus on what my main problem was for the previous week.

Hopefully if you get the chance to post more often here, it might loosen you up, and get used to the sharing part of things.

Just a thought.