Well... (Trigger)

[shoefaerie]

Well. When I was about 2 my mom, essentially kidnapped my sister and I from my dad the same day she walked out on him. Then she married some drug addicted guy and left us home with him all the time while she worked. He ignored us, so until my sister told me a few years ago, I didn't even know he had been home with us.

He got mad at us once about not cleaning our rooms so he took everything and left us with only three things, (including blankets, sheets, pillows) and if we wanted something else we had to trade. Eventually after the birth of my little sister, he kneed my mom in the face and they got separated. At this point I was going to school and being bullied already. She ended up with some guy with a military background who treated my older sister and I like dirt. Though my older sister got the worst of it, and she took it out on me.

I'm not really sure what he did but I remember he would yell all the time and made her eat dinner on the floor. We weren't allowed to have water with dinner, and if we were caught going to the bathroom to steal drinks from the tap, we'd get no supper.

At school people picked on me for well... being white. I would come home crying and my mom and sister would laugh at me. My sister would go into fits of rage at me for the smallest things and beat me. Kids at school tormented me, stole my things, threatened, and I'd been beaten up a few times.

When I was about 9, I tried to cut my throat with a pair of hair dressing scissors, but got scared.

When I was 11, the only friend I had, who was 12 at the time, got pregnant. I felt like it was my fault for not knowing, and my mom would get mad at me when I didn't hangout with her, even though I called her everyday asking.

When I was 12 I began cutting myself, and all of the best things just sort of erupted. This was the first time I'd had friends since the only other friend I had had. We were all a bit stupid and messed up, and I'm only now beginning to be friends with one of them again.

At 13 I started dating my second boyfriend, who began to sexual abuse me for the next 6-7 months. He also controlled everything I did, cheated on me, and guild tripped me constantly. At least the bullying had mostly stopped.
My mom still didn't do anything about my sister, and my sister still took things out on me.

at 14 I started dating my third boyfriend, who pulled the same sexual abuse thing as the last guy. He, about 6 months later dumped me because I wouldn't have sex with him.
I also fell in love that year. With a compulsive liar who led me on.

At 15
I was hit by a car. I should have died but got out with a skull fracture. To this day I'm still suffering from the lasting effects of the PTSD, and have hip and back problems to the point where often I can't walk. Did I mention I got charged for it?

A few months later...
I started dating a guy on rebound from my compulsive liar. I also didn't know how to reject him.
For 10 months I was accused of gold digging ( there was nothing to dig. ) guilt tripped into sex, and had to deal with his families anger issues, and their dog who they wouldn't train, but would 'attack' people because she didn't know she wasn't showing affection.
At least I wasn't living with my mom anymore. I'd managed to move in with my father the beginning of Grade 10.

At 16, I decided to finally date someone, not because I felt bad, or because I couldn't say no, but because I wanted to. It turned out that he began to verge on sexual abusing and physically abusing me. one of the things when I was breaking up with him that I remember him saying he just needed to be reminded, and I recall replying "That's the thing. I shouldn't have to remind you to not abuse me."
That lasted about 5 months. and I had turned 17.

Now, at 17, I've met one of my bestfriends in the world, I met him during a class we had together and we bonded instantly. After I helped him get out of a relationship with a nutcase girl, we realized we liked each other. We fell fast. 3 months later, I'm single again, and I couldn't really tell you why, other then I think he's confused about his life. We're still close, but it's starting to eat me alive. Now I'm struggling with pain from my hips and back, hating going to school because of the people. And being completely broken up by well... being dumped.

I've gone to therapy in the past, and I know I've left parts out, but sometimes its hard to remember everything at once. (Mm. Brain damage.)
Therapy doesn't work for me. I'm too self reliant and tend to think I already know what the therapist has to tell me. Though so far I've been given nothing but breathing exercises.

So I don't have much faith in it anymore. I have my 4 best friends, 1 of whom I've never met but she's always there for me. 1 who I've known since grade 7, but we've been falling from each other recently because she's two years older then I am, and really busy. another who we tend to only talk about things, but I don't really mention my life around him because I don't want to.

And of course my now ex.
Whom I feel like if I tell him how depressed I am, will push me away.
I don't want him to think I'm trying to make him pity me, or that its entirely his fault or anything. I just don't know who to turn to. I hate going out because PTSD triggered my social anxiety problems and I don't like to hangout with anyone I don't trust. I'm only really comfortable hanging out with these 4... well 3, because like I said I've never met one.

Things are just getting harder to handle... you know?

[Obayan]

Hi. So young to have gone thru so much already. I'm sorry this is the road you have had to travel in life. I do think you need to give therapy a chance. It takes a lot of work but it's worth it.

[shoefaerie]

I would give therapy a chance if I could walk more. getting to and from school stresses me out enough already.
Stupid chronic pain.

Thank you though

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((( shoefaerie )))))))))))))))))

Just one of my hugs coming to you.

Warmie

[Crista5387]

I can't always get to my counceling sessions, but where I go has the option to do it over the internet via web cam or on the phone. So maybe that's an option you can try.

[Obayan]

What a wonderful idea! Web cam sessions.