Depression Understood Forums

I've been depressed for at least 5 years now. I have too many things]that are making me hate my life everyday, so I think I'll make a list and hopefully somebody can give me some advice. Please i know this might be a long read, but i really need help and i DO NOT want to go see a therapist or be put on anymore medication.

1. I think the way my depression started was back when i was 9 years old
( i'm 21 now ), my sister got cancer and I had to watch her lose her hair, get sick from the chemo, and then die. Her last wish with the makeawish foundation was to visit Hawaii, and i didn't go with her and my mom because i was too afraid of flying on an airplane. When she came back she was completely different then when she had left, like she was almost braindead, so i couldnt even really communicate with her anymore. she died shortly after.

2. Excuse me for this part, it might get alittle descriptive and weird.
when i was around 11 or 12, i had my first gay experiences with one of my best friends. We preformed oral on eachother more then one time, and at the time i was just really horny and chalked up as kids experimenting. I've masturbated in front of TWO of my other friends a few years later, and at different times.
And the final time i had a gay experience was when i was 18, let me try to explain how this came about. I have a very deepseated fear of being a failure in bed with a woman, since i have a problem with premature ejaculation. I had never had sex at this point and really wanted to try it since all my friends were getting laid. So i put an ad on Craigslist bascially saying how i was still a virgin and didnt know how to have sex, i waited for about a week and the only people responding to me were guys. So i was thinking one night "maybe if i just close my eyes and imagine that the guy is a girl, i can trick myself into thinking its a girl giving me oral". I honestly was just trying to see how long i could last without prematurely ejaculating, i know thats ridiculous as hell but thats what mindstate i was in.
So i call up a guy that emailed me one night without really thinking it over enough, and tell him to meet me by my house. I get in his car and drive to the woods, and longstory short, I ended up giving HIM oral and having anal sex with him.

I know what you're thinking at this point "obviously you're gay and in denial", but i dont feel this is the case. As soon as i was done i realized what a stupid decision i had made and basically just told myself "well at least now you know youre not gay now" . I went home and took a long long shower. I think about this everyday and get ashamed and disgusted with myself. It's a major part of my depression and I dont think i'll ever live this over.

Shortly after the gay experience when i was 18, my penis literally changed color, and it felt alot different then it normally did. Ofcourse i got paranoid and started to think i had an std. I didn't want to tell my mom, because she thought i was still a virgin. eventually i got enough courage to ask her to go to the doctors, i got tested for just about everything but they didnt find any stds. My penis, 3 years later, still looks and feels the same, adding to my depression and reminding me of that stupid mistake i made 3 years ago. This has also added to my already pathetic self image and has made it hard trying to be happy and normal.

4. I hate this town i live in. When my sister died, my mom decided it was time for us to move from our town in iowa, where i lived for the first 12 years of my life and where all my friends were, to the west coast. I've pretty much hated it since i've been here, which would be about 9 years now. There's really nothing to do, all my friends want to do is get high/drunk and sit around which isnt helpful for my depression. I would get new friends, but honestly everyone i know in this town does drugs. I don't really hang out with anyone anymore because of my depression. When i'm out with friends , thoughts about my past come up and i get ashamed and instantly depressed. I know if they found out about my true past nobody would want anything to do with me.

5. I have hyperhydrosis and it makes me not want to even leave the house. Hyperhydrosis is a condition where you constantly sweat for no reason. I've only had one job because the sweating adds SO fricking much to my social anxiety. I have to wear jackets all the time to cover the sweat stains, even in summer.

6. I'm scared to get a job/go to school, because my social anxiety just feels like too much for me. Like i've said i've only had one job before and I HATED going to work everyday. Now i've got a new job coming up that i dont even want, but i feel like i should just take it since it would get me out of the house. The only problem is i'm going to have to drive like 50 miles with my boss, who i dont even know and try and make small talk. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but to me it is very big deal. I really don't like talking to people.

7.I've recently become addicted to weed because i have no will power to quit. I think to myself "your're just a loser anyways, why not buy another sack"? And it sucks also because ALL my friends deal weed and they know I have an addiction and they take advantage of it by hitting me up everyday, trying to be the first one to get me to buy a sack. I owe lots of money to these guys now. I really dont feel like i have any true friends anymore, and i havent talked to my friends back home (even though they try and get ahold of me) because I am so ashamed of who i am. I dont know if i'll ever accept myself for who i am.

8.I'm 21 and my hair is already falling out. I don't know if this is just from stress, but i have a feeling that since my dad is bald, i'm going to be too .

So i think thats basically it... i have other things that really bother me, but these are the main ones. writing this out really just makes me realize how much of a p*ssy i am. Still.... does anybody think they can help me?

Hey.
I think it was very brave of you to share your story. It seems you have been through a lot of trama in your life and this make you come down very hard on yourself. You are not a p*ssy. If you were, you wouldnt have taken the first step to getting better which is coming on here for help. I cant tell you what the solution is to all of your problems because they seem quite extensive. I know that you said you dont want any therapy or drugs but I think talking to a therapist/coucellor would help imensly. I am getting my social work degree and they teach us how to listen, ask the right questions and not judge people and their stories. I was very skeptical about going to therapy but now that I have started it has helped so much.

You are far too young to be so down and if there is something you can do about it why wouldnt you take the opportunity to get better so you can be the great person you know you are? I am a girl so I dont know a whole lot about male tendencies and experiences but I do know that what you went through by experimenting with guys isnt that uncommon. Humans(especially males) are driven by there hormones during those teen years. If you are into men there is nothing wrong with that. Its who you are and you shouldnt be ashamed of it. Or if you do like women I ensure you that if you open up a little and put yourself out there you will find a women who will except you for you are not what issues you may or may not have. Sex is also a very mental game so if you have too much stress on your mind its going to effect how your body reacts.

As goes your hyperhydrosis Im pretty sure if you talk to your doctor they can give you something to make that better. They have all sorts of solutions for those issues.

You dont have to go on antidepressants but i think that talk therapy would be best for what you are going through. Dont think of it as having to tell a complete stranger your secret thoughts, see it as someone whos speciality is helping you get better. Your quality of life can be soooo much better if you just ask for help from the right people.

I hope you consider my advice because i am almost 29 and I have been plagued by depression for 19 years and trust me, its nothing you want to go through. The longer you leave this untaken care of the worse its going to get. Life is way to short to let depression rule us.

Take care:D
xo

Welcome sadone,

I did read your entire post.

Being a female I am not entirely sure about the sex stuff.

You say at the start that you don't want to see a therapist.
I have been ill for a long time and I did find help being on meds and having therapy but no everyone is at the same place at the same time.

It is tough to hold all that you are going through on your own..
I think that the forum is made up of a lot of compassionate people.
Post whenever you feel comfortable. It would be good to get to know you better..

Take care

Hi. I know you said you don't want therapy or medication. Honestly, trying to fight this on your own is not working so far. Why not get some help? One of the most responsible things we can ever do is seek help when we need it. If you do continue to try fighting on your own i really do wish you luck.

Hello... This is how it strikes me.


1. If you blame yourself for not going on the trip, then forgive yourself.

If it's that your sister being was hard on you, it was beyond your control. Find something very positive, unique, sweet, etc. to cherish her. (Perhaps a memory?)


2. It was what it was. Also forgive yourself. This may sound strange..... but find something to like about your *&%ˆ$#@. I'm not suggesting you go out & have sex if you don't want to, but what I'm saying is find a better memory to replace the troubling one. Also the same suggestion for #1.

Is there a better memory some place that you can refer to instead of the extremely negative one? (If not, then it's possible to create one. For your sister's case, I'm going to honor her memory by ___________. )

Masturbation is masturbation. It's not as bad as some people try to make it out to be.

It can be hard, but overall, my attitude when it comes to some things is: If it isn't working, discard it. Even better, replace it with something more positive.

3.

4. About the town you live in.... Is there anything at all that can help you to have a more positive feeling about it? Food, a spot/club/arena??? It may call for a shift in interests. What do you like to do? Are you open to new things? What kind of town is it? What's available?

5. Just wondering, have you gone to the doctor for the hyperhydrosis?? If so, was anything suggested to you for it?

6. You can do it! If you don't like talking to people, perhaps you can turn on the radio?? Take a comfort item with you??

7. About the weed & I am not judging you, please don't buy anymore & don't smoke anymore. The major reason is that you need to pay all the money you owe. It will become a problem, if you do not pay up & perhaps you and anyone else for you will be in harm's way. Please think about that again.

I'm sure you've heard about all the different health risks associated or whatever else with it, so I don't need to say it.

8. The hair falling out would freak me out too. Have you checked with a doctor?

You are what you are.... The best thing may be to accept it/discard it & do your best to move past it. I would seek help, if I were in your shoes!

Crystal.... as wise as ever my dear!

Quote [You are what you are.... The best thing may be to accept it/discard it & do your best to move past it. I would seek help, if I were in your shoes!]

That was incredibly honest & brave to post all of that stuff.

Like pretty much everyone said, you should really go to counseling. It doesn't mean anything is "wrong" with you. But it really helps to talk things out with a professional who is neutral. I know from experience.
Good luck

I read the inter post... i this that therapy would help you... i didn't want to do it my self... but i noticed its not like most think... they help allot with methods on how to help improve your situations... if you don;t want meds they can make you go on them... what happened with you sexual past is normal... i experimented allot myself with the same sex... i am strait... but i understand how you would want to keep that away from people... i know that the world is not so excepting... your addiction to weed could get better... you can take steps to help you quit... i have helped allot of my friends quit... you just have to take it slow and one step at a time... your hair falling out is not really something you can help... its genetics...

Thank you for talking about it i know it is hard to talk about
i hope you get the help you need and i hope you enjoy the rest of your life cuz there is so much to it

Thank you for sharing that. It was very courageous. When I was a young kid (I'm female, 24), I fooled around with some of my friends. Not alot. But I remember we would take turns pretending to be the boy lol and we didn't do anything that would be considered a sexual act by todays standards, but we probably shouldn't have done what we did do. I've been ashamed of many things, but I'm learning that some of its human nature. Just because I fooled around w a girl doesn't mean I'm a lesbian. I am completely straight btw. I'm in therapy once a week and its helping me keep my head above water. And I hate my meds but I'm worse off without them. I told my best friend from HS that my dad walked in on me doing stuff, because I still can't look him in the eye. And I hated myself. And my friend said something that saved my life. She said 'we're all human." And we are. And you are not alone. Again thanks for sharing that.