How did i end up here. (Trigger warning)

[dan1483]

First and foremost i'll warn and make it clear my life has a lot of things in the past that could trigger for some. So i'll try my best to be careful in wording and what have you.

Life. What it was. What it became. Wow sounds like i'm starting another poem. Anywho i'm 17 knocking on 18. Life was good up until 4th grade. Then it just has been one giant rollercoaster.

Started getting treated horrible by classmates in 4th grade. No clue why other then a girl claims i hit her which i didn't. I was 2 foot from her and opened a damn folder. The way she spread it around you would have thought i knocked her lights out. Which i have to say the thought after a while did cross my mind. So basically 4th grade was a living hell. Got picked on at school. My mom agreed with my physchologist i just needed to "ignore" the people. Like that was possible in any way. So i somehow survive 4th grade. Getting picked on constantly about my weight, my size and whatnot. Keep in mind i was 9 years old 5 foot 4 and weighed 140 pounds by the end of 4th grade. So i really think that's where my problems started. Didn't help that i began to i guess you could say see through the charade my family was putting on and i drifted away from my dad. Our relationship has never been the same since. He had this habit back then of calling me out right and left saying i lied about this or that. Basically it got to the point i quit paying attention to him. So basically in 4th grade i was a very angry and bitter person. It's amazing i never knocked anyone out or cussed anyone out. Wait i did cuss like one person out but he don't count he was and still is dumber then a sack of hammers and had it coming. lol. So between 4th and 5th grade i literally begged my mom to not send me back to the same school. She again sided with my therapist rather then listen to her own kid.

So 5th grade started and by then i was in physical therapy for chronic pain that had started back in 4th grade. They chalked it up to growing pains and hip displasia down the road you will find out what it is. So there i was in 5th grade with the same kids as before, the same torments, the same upsets though it got worse. They consiladated two or three schools that used to be seperate. I thought ok this could be good new people. WRONG. It was way worse and no matter what i tryed to do i couldn't get away from it. Sure i could tell a counselor or something at school but they were useless. I tryed once got me no where other then people threatening to fight with me. What the morons didn't realize i wore steel toed shoes a lot of the time and could actually fight. So that being said 5th grade was a sheer nightmare. Think i missed almost a month throughout the year because some days i faked sick and others i just couldn't take dealing with it. It definitley showed as i basically maintained a 3.0 GPA i was normally a 4.0 GPA. So that year i fell deeper into depression and pain. Also relationships with my parents went down the drain more. Mom would set there and be like you can't be so hostile and hateful. It's like live the hell i do, it's the only way to survive. By the end of 5th grade i was in survival mode. I thought a few times about killing myself couldn't bring myself to try. Don't know why but glad i couldn't. Experimented with cutting a little.

6th grade mom finally got that she had to get me out of that school otherwise i was going to haul off and probably put someone in the hospital with their jaw wired shut. So i switch schools. It was somewhat better. A lot different caliber. Teachers were better and students were better well some of them. Never made friends really. I was still very hostile. That being said i did get comfortable with my teachers and it was nice to get recognized for doing decent work. That being said i made enemies with a few teachers. lol. My math teacher hated me because i was rather sarcastic and eventually told her when asked why my grade slipped around state mandated tests "Well because i'm sick of this crap being shoved down our throat in hopes that the school gets good numbers so we keep getting money and i refused to be used in such a manner". Needless to say from then to the end of the year i was not a favorite student of hers but she didn't compeltely hate me. So again i continually get worse with my depression and everything else. Ohh and i was in horrid pain too physically.

7th grade was way better. Started online school and it all went smoothly. Basically it rocked.

Basically that's what leads up to this. Throughout highschool i suffered an emotional roller coaster, lost family members, lost pets, went through bankruptcy, more of the same being told i was too hateful. I turned to well. Ok for me to admit this openly on a board takes a lot. However i turned to TRIGGER WARNING -----. I basically became addicted throughout highschool. It was what got me through sadly.

Finally things started turning around my junior year. By this past summer it's gettign better. Not the best. I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia the summer before my senior year. I'm on loads of medications and got put on anti depressants shortly after that diagnosis.

Finally i'm dating an amazing girl. I have been with her 6 months and she is the love of my life. Went to Wisconsin to see her this past month. I start college Monday. I finally gave up the addiction roughly 5 weeks ago. It's been good and bad but mostly good.

The only issue i have is i'm living what most consider good and i'm still depressed. I got my girlfriend anna and she is basically what keeps me going. Her and God because i know in two years i can be with her in Wisconsin, propose to her, and marry her. This all being said this don't even scratch the surface of my story. Feel free to ask questions, comment, give advice. Whatever you wish. Ohhh yeah i also guess i what some people call hitting rock bottom in 2007. Basically asked God to kill me or send me someone to save me. He didn't kill me obviously and ever since it's been better but i'm still depressed. Feel free to give input even if it's just saying hi or that you read it. As it sort of helps in an odd way.

Dan

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((( Dan ))))))))))))))

Welcome to the forums, and thank you so much for sharing with us. So you know, there are many chatters here, all supportive, all understanding more than you realize. Sometimes it might be awhile before replies, but replies do happen, all the time. Very caring and loving people, as you will see.

Thank you for sharing your life with us. Not an easy road to travel but look where you are, good for you! No two people are the same, so to give advice isn't always the best way to go. I can and will give you my support and understand. Hope that works for you.

There is a chat room connected with this site, in case you are interesting. Again, wonderful and caring members. This is a good site and we do all we can to make it safe.

Keep posting and keeping us up on your progress. Again WTG Dan!

Warmsoul

[Monty]

Hi Dan,

Sounds like you have been through a lot. Good on your for still having the strength to carry on and have plans for the future.

Have you been to a psychiatrist. I have certainly learned over the years that not all are created equal.

I am not sure whether you like to go the medication route but maybe that would be an option.

I hope that you keep coming to this site. It does help to ease the load to let others in on what is happening in your life.

[dan1483]

I have went to well lost track of the phsyciatrists. They helped some. Most recent one helped the most but insurance pulled the plug. I do take Zoloft. It helps some. Some days more then others.

Dan

[Obayan]

((( dan )))

I do hope you find some relief soon. Such a rough road you travel hon.

[crystalgaze]

Hi Dan! ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Dan )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I just wanted to let you know I did read through it. Nothing came to mind just yet, but I hope you'll keep posting & maybe something will hit me.

With college, are you taking a lot of credits? Maybe it doesn't have to be said, but try to eat properly. Don't beat yourself out if you don't have to with grades. (3.3, 3.5, 3.7)

Take care, ya?

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((( DaN )))))))))))))))))

We are here to listen and talk with you. Stay strong!

Warmie

[Monty]

I am sorry Dan, that you have to drop a med from your regime, because of some insurance company's policy.

When you mentioned that you had a drug that was helpful, and the insurance cmpany stopped paying for it reminds me of my insurance company.

I am fortunate enough that because of several different circumstances, I am on a helf plan.

It frustrates me to no end that they will cover some of the lower costing drugs that I take, but the more expensive drugs is not on their list of drugs they cover.

I take nine different drugs a day (one of the most expensive I take 2 pills a day) and should consider myself fortunate to have some coverage (I know that not all here are in the same postition).

Still pisses me off that one of the drugs that I use to sleep, is one of the safest and one that is prescribed by doctors most often, is off the list.

Finished my rant for the day.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Ranting is good, such a release.

I am lucky with my doctor, he will hunt until he finds the generic for whatever it is I need to take. Been very lucky so far.

[Monty]

Trying to get to sleep, and then stay asleep has been a problem of mine for more than 20 years.

They finally have something it works so I go with the pills they give me. It is funny because sometimes I just take it for granted that I have taken my pills for the night.

Then I have a restless night and at 3 in the morning realize that I didn't take my drugs. Then I have a tough time deciding whether to just not sleep, take them in the middle of the night and then sleep late the next morning, or take a light dose.

None of these solutions seem to work well. Over the years there haven't been very many nights that I have forgotten to take them. Sometimes have kept some pills in the car in case I didn't come home for the night.

Now that I have mom to take care of I am home every night so no excuse for not taking those pretty little blue pills.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((( Monty ))))))))))))))))

I understand on that forgetting meds. Hate when I do that. I bought things to sort my daily pills in and keep it sitting by my coffee maker. That helps me to remember, take your meds! When I forget, I won't throw things off, so I wait until the next time to roll around and take those. Afraid to take some too close together. Seems to work for me.

You have a lot to deal with, it isn't any wonder you forget, I would.

Warmie

[Monty]

I solved the problem of forgetting to take my drugs, by buying a dossette.

I am able to load it with a whole week's full of drugs. That way I know if I have taken my morning meds, or not. Also with loading a week at a time I can make sure that I don't, unexpectedly run out of any of the drugs that I take.

Especially can't miss the clonazepam, zopiclone or seroquel. They give me some peace at night.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Good for you (((((((((((( Monty )))))))))))))))

I set up two weeks at a time. Really helpful, and as you said lets me know when I need to refill all of them, ugh....... so many.

Warmie

[dan1483]

Ok. I know i don't post around here enough and i apologize for that. That all being said i try to remember to read when i can. I just get so busy. College has a habit of doing that to you.

So here is where my story is at right now. I finish my first year of college Tuesday. Somehow by God's grace and good meds i have got through it. Not without its challenges though. This past year has been one of the best learning experiences ever and it came from learning about myself. I'll explain.

As i have said i was addicted to something. Don't wanna say what because it could trigger but as long as you know i was addicted that's what matters. Anyways. I kicked it in July of last year and it was going great till that amazing girl i was dating broke it off a day before my 18th birthday. Now don't go getting all how could she do that. Sure it hurt bad at first and i binged to no end but she done something no one ever had for me. She had and still has stuck by me as a friend and to me i would rather have 100 years of friendship with her then a single year of dating. We both teach each other so much. So January 1st i decided to kick the addiction. I'm proud to say i'm 5 months and 1 week clean and it's because of her and God. I'm going to meetings now for my addiction and i guess one would say i'm getting some of my life back. Though within the last month i got diagnosed bipolar and that has been a bit of an adjustment. I feel better with switching the meds around. I'm now on Symbyax, well it's two seperate meds but it makes up symbyax. Only problem i have now is i'm having more i guess one would say "manic" episodes which are great because i'm getting stuff done. Until ofcourse i'm asking my mom for money and she is broke. See when i get manic two things happen. I start craving sugar and i start getting the itch to work on a car or anything i enjoy. So with that it gets hairy but i get through it. The down and depressed periods suck but i trudge through them. I'm still holding out hope my friend in Wisconsin will want to date again but like i said i'm happy as friends and she is finishing highschool in the next year and i want her to do her best. Me and her parents don't always agree but we agree that she needs to stay focused on school.

So with that, that's kind of an update on my story. I'm gonna try to get to posting on here more. The whole chatroom thing just ain't doing it for me right now. Don't really know why, everyone is friendly just think i need a break from chatrooms in general. So if yall wanna know anything else just ask. Anyone suffering from addiction even bipolar or any other disorder.

"one day at a time. sometimes one hour or one minute at a time. you just gotta pull through another day". I got a lot of battle scars but that advice has pulled me through many many times.

dan