What's the point anymore?

[Seraphim]

I don't like talking about my past, it makes me uncomfortable. I've always been a freak, that's nothing new. What's amazing is I've survived and functioned this long. I've always seen and heard things other people can't, I've been told it's schizophrenia. Surprisingly, I've always enjoyed those "friends" that others couldn't see. I've been hallucination free for the past two months and I miss them.
The schizophrenia I can handle. What I can't handle is the bipolar that plaques me. The vicious changes in my mood, the crippling anxiety, the bottomless depression, and the constant paranoia. It's a battle every day to function and there is no hope left for me.
I'm 29 years old, my son is 11 years old and my daughter is 3 years old. My husband is very supportive and has actually made the rest of my family understand where I am. I live for my family now, I have to remind myself of that every day.
I push myself every day to function. I get up and get ready for work which terrifies me. I get my children ready for the day. I work all day, I take care of my kids. It's like I'm running on auto pilot. I can fake my way through the day, I do it every day. I shouldn't have to fake it, I want to actually be happy, I want to be okay. I don't want to fat and unhappy. I don't want to force myself to live. I don't want to be lonely anymore, I can't live in this wretched head with these thoughts and these feelings. It's like a hole inside that keeps getting bigger and sucks me in. There is no way to descripe what is in my head and what I feel. I've been on many different medications for the past fifteen years and none have helped. I've given up faith in my doctors, psychiatrists, and therapists.
I feel like a failure and a whiner. I should be able to just suck this up. I haven't had a traumatic childhood, I'm just not wired correctly. I don't know what the heck I'm doing anymore, I just want to be done.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((((((( Seraphim )))))))))))))))))))

Welcome to the forums, so glad you found us. Hoping that you will find that venting here does, in fact, help. Being able to vent and not be judge is wonderful. People/chatters here do understand and they do reach out.

Sounds like your have a blessing with your husband. So many spouses don't understand and try to ignore a lot. He isn't and he is teaching others about things you deal with. Happy you have that.

He and your children are there, they will give you the reasons for going on, works like that. Can you write your thoughts out, track what the meds do and don't do, then have a heart to heart talk with a doctor? Just a thought.

Hope to see you continuing with your posting. Again, welcome hon!

Warmsoul