On the 12th, draw a smiley face on each hand, that will be me.
Will send extra, extra thoughts and prayers for you on the 12th.
Love ya!
Warmie
my story (trigger)
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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It's distrubing jeanie, but I keep flashing to Harlan. He fought for so many years and then once it started going bad, it went really bad fast. In 6 months, he lost his legg and all his internal organs began to shut down one by one. A year later he was gone. I been fighting this for 15 years now. I don't want to live like he did. Dying a little bit each day. Watching those around me suffer. It hit me really hard yesterday when I saw my daughter look at me. I recognized that look too. It's the way we used to look at Harlan. I know I'm not dying. I know that assumption is so extremely unreasonable when put to the facts. But inside, i feel like i am. And the really funny thing is, I don't want to anymore. I want to see my grandchildren grow up. I want to go on vacation and have a good time. I want to continue the work I do here and watch my friends as they mature and grow stronger. I want to see the snow on the mountains and fall asleep in a waterbed. I want to watch as my grandson learns and laughs and plays. I know how unreasonable it is to feel the way I do right now about death and dying, but mortality is staring at me right now. I been thru this so many times now in the past 15 years. I know it's my heart over reacting to the facts my brain knows..... dang. whoda thunk it? Once i finally have something to live for..... my heart turns emo.
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
- Posts: 29195
- Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
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((((((((((((( Obayan )))))))))))))
You won't give up, that isn't you. You will get all you can out of life, enjoy every moment, make memories for yourself and others. When you are born you life starts it's journey. Don't pull the end of the journey into the present day, live each day, one at a time.
People would be shocked to know all I have gone through, taking care of someone ill knowing I couldn't stop what was happening, losing so many I love, and still love, when not ready to do so. But I know that I have done what I can/could, can't live in the past and can't speed up the future.
Let me share something with you, not taking over your thread, just need to share. I had three brothers. One died from being in a horrible fire, the last two died from cancer My first brother's last words to me were, 'You are going to be okay. I love you Jeanie'. The second brother last words to me were, 'I know you, and I love you' (this from the macho man that always said 'Ditto' to me in place of I love you so his friends didn't think him a softie). The last words from the third brother, 'I love you kid!'. My father never said I love you, but his last words to anyone, was me, "I love you girl". (Long story with the girl thing). Same with my mother. My point is, the past is that. We pull the good from it and go on, we do our best to be strong, we remember and cherish those memories. But we learn.
I was going to make a list of all the illness' I deal with, but the list is so long and so damn depression, I didn't. I feel that I am who I am, can't change things, can't be someone that others want me to be. Just me.
And dear lady, that is the same with you. You are who you are, with the issues you deal with. You can do this, get through it and enjoy the life you have painted here for us. Live for the moments that you have been or will be graced with.
Know we are here, to support you, encourage you and pray for you. Could I do more, I would. I am a friend, stuck with that hon, and I will give all the love I can to you.
So please, smiley faces on the hands, take me with you that day. Share those smiles with the doctors and nurses and tell them Warmie says they best do you right and take care of you, you are truly important in my life.
Love to you
Warmie
You won't give up, that isn't you. You will get all you can out of life, enjoy every moment, make memories for yourself and others. When you are born you life starts it's journey. Don't pull the end of the journey into the present day, live each day, one at a time.
People would be shocked to know all I have gone through, taking care of someone ill knowing I couldn't stop what was happening, losing so many I love, and still love, when not ready to do so. But I know that I have done what I can/could, can't live in the past and can't speed up the future.
Let me share something with you, not taking over your thread, just need to share. I had three brothers. One died from being in a horrible fire, the last two died from cancer My first brother's last words to me were, 'You are going to be okay. I love you Jeanie'. The second brother last words to me were, 'I know you, and I love you' (this from the macho man that always said 'Ditto' to me in place of I love you so his friends didn't think him a softie). The last words from the third brother, 'I love you kid!'. My father never said I love you, but his last words to anyone, was me, "I love you girl". (Long story with the girl thing). Same with my mother. My point is, the past is that. We pull the good from it and go on, we do our best to be strong, we remember and cherish those memories. But we learn.
I was going to make a list of all the illness' I deal with, but the list is so long and so damn depression, I didn't. I feel that I am who I am, can't change things, can't be someone that others want me to be. Just me.
And dear lady, that is the same with you. You are who you are, with the issues you deal with. You can do this, get through it and enjoy the life you have painted here for us. Live for the moments that you have been or will be graced with.
Know we are here, to support you, encourage you and pray for you. Could I do more, I would. I am a friend, stuck with that hon, and I will give all the love I can to you.
So please, smiley faces on the hands, take me with you that day. Share those smiles with the doctors and nurses and tell them Warmie says they best do you right and take care of you, you are truly important in my life.
Love to you
Warmie
jeanie, one of the things i've always wanted to do and couldn't get enough courage up was a tatoo. Now i am. I'm getting a tatoo. A little tiny smiley face. That way you are always with me and vice versa.
I'm so sorry for all your loss. But i know you know exactly how i'm feeling. You been there too. I watched as harland died a little each day. I don't want to go that way. I don't want to live that way. And unreasonable as these feelings are right now because i know this is NOT what is hapening to me, i still feel the fear of it very strongly right now. I guess i'm just facing my own mortality once again but now it's after losing harlan and it makes it so much stronger a dreaded feeling. I've always made jokes about being on borrowed time. Docs have told me before that "you won't live to see your child graduate"... she graduated. "you won't live to see your husband grow old".... ok.. that one was true, he died before me. "you have about 2-4 years left"..... that was 10 years ago. So yeah, i've always made jokes about borrowed time. But now, i feel like it's time to pay up and i don't want to. And i know that's a totally unreasonable assumption on my part "about paying up" because there is nothing different this time that wasn't present all the other previous times. Except that now i've had to face harlan's death and i'm terrified of my own. And i can't stop crying for fear of it.
I'm so sorry for all your loss. But i know you know exactly how i'm feeling. You been there too. I watched as harland died a little each day. I don't want to go that way. I don't want to live that way. And unreasonable as these feelings are right now because i know this is NOT what is hapening to me, i still feel the fear of it very strongly right now. I guess i'm just facing my own mortality once again but now it's after losing harlan and it makes it so much stronger a dreaded feeling. I've always made jokes about being on borrowed time. Docs have told me before that "you won't live to see your child graduate"... she graduated. "you won't live to see your husband grow old".... ok.. that one was true, he died before me. "you have about 2-4 years left"..... that was 10 years ago. So yeah, i've always made jokes about borrowed time. But now, i feel like it's time to pay up and i don't want to. And i know that's a totally unreasonable assumption on my part "about paying up" because there is nothing different this time that wasn't present all the other previous times. Except that now i've had to face harlan's death and i'm terrified of my own. And i can't stop crying for fear of it.
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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(((((((((((((( Obayan )))))))))))))))
Tattoo's are good for expressing. If you can do it, I would say go for it.
My life, past, present, future, is of no matter here, sorry I typed as I did, won't happen again.
Your life, something you will deal with, get through the best you can and I do believe you will make those dreams and thoughts all true. You have determination, know what you want, and see you going for it, no matter what. It is there, grab with both hands, and hold on.
Warmie
Tattoo's are good for expressing. If you can do it, I would say go for it.
My life, past, present, future, is of no matter here, sorry I typed as I did, won't happen again.
Your life, something you will deal with, get through the best you can and I do believe you will make those dreams and thoughts all true. You have determination, know what you want, and see you going for it, no matter what. It is there, grab with both hands, and hold on.
Warmie
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
- Posts: 29195
- Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
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shatteredhopes
- Posts: 664
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
- Location: U.S.
((((((((((((warmie))))))))))((((((((((((sister obayan)))))))))))) love to you both!!!!! both strong fine women who show courage in face of adversity and compassion growing from much suffering.
In Victor Frankyl's "Man's search for meaning" he describes people who in the midst of a concentration camp, dying unknown to the world and separated from family and loved ones, not even knowing if they were still alive, who nonetheless achieved what he describes as true "human greatness"
you are both fine examples of human greatness, and my life has been enriched by you both <3
In Victor Frankyl's "Man's search for meaning" he describes people who in the midst of a concentration camp, dying unknown to the world and separated from family and loved ones, not even knowing if they were still alive, who nonetheless achieved what he describes as true "human greatness"
you are both fine examples of human greatness, and my life has been enriched by you both <3
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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(((((((((((((( Shattered ))))))))))))))
Love back to you hon. Don't know about the strong or courage, more of me just stumbling through life and hoping I come out ahead once in awhile.
Now, this is (((((((((((( Obayan's ))))))))))))))))) thread, and encouraging her is the most important matter at hand.
Love to you Obayan, stay positive, happiness is right there...
Warmie
Love back to you hon. Don't know about the strong or courage, more of me just stumbling through life and hoping I come out ahead once in awhile.
Now, this is (((((((((((( Obayan's ))))))))))))))))) thread, and encouraging her is the most important matter at hand.
Love to you Obayan, stay positive, happiness is right there...
Warmie
Had to take daughter to doc 3 times now this week and it's only tuesday. sigh. False labor they say. And she's getting sick. Well, technically, she's been sick but she's not good right now. She's still strong and about as stuborn as I am which is saying a lot. I know she'll be just fine after this is all over. I'm more worried about the baby being ok. This has been an awefully rough pregnancy. Not even the doctors expected her to carry to term and yet, she's one week away.
I can't get a contractor for the kitchen floor. Looks like I'm gonna have to fix it myself. Tear up linolium, cut out damaged wood, replace with new wood and supports, lay new tiles. I've done it before. Of course, i was in my 20's and healthy as an ox at the time......
Daughter informs me their bank is $600 in the hole and they have no money. And it will keep going in the hole until she is able to return to work which could be months from now. She tells me this AFTER we spend 3 months blowing $2,000 going out and shopping for what all the baby needs. If I do the floor myself, I can do it all for about $100, give them the $600 they need and another $150 each month to keep them out of the hole until she finds work. So much for me getting work done on my teeth which are rotting and broken. But i'm a mother. That's my job. To make sure my daughter and grandchildren are ok. They come first. Think if I say it enough times it'll make me feel better about one more sacrafice for someone else's benefit?
College fell thru. No funding for myself. But I am still getting the bigger house at the end of this year. The kiddo needs a bigger place than what she has for her growing family. Heck, my 2 bed trailor is bigger than her house she has right now. I did buy the books for the classes I wanted to take and am studying them at home. Not near as diligently as I'd like to but i just don't have the time right now to devote to it like i want. That will change after the baby is born though.
Damn my teeth hurt.
I am taking my vacation come hell or high water. November 3rd, i'll be gone for 2 weeks and nobody will change that. How much i can blow while i'm on vacation has been drastically reduced now, but it's not going to stop me from going. This trip is important to me and by golly i deserve something for myself for a change.
With the new baby so close to be being born, it's bringing up a lot of memories. When the grandson was born, Harlan was still alive. Now, with the granddaughter, he won't ever be able to hold her, touch her, hear her laugh or see how beautiful she's going to be. It hurts to have so many memories flooding me at such a stressful time to begin with. Especially now with me trying to build a new life for myself. The very beginnings of a new relationship. I don't know if my friend and I are going to hit it off or not. I don't know how it's going to work being so far away from eachother and only getting to see eachother for what.... one or two visits a year? How is that going to last? But if there's one thing i've learned from this past year.... it's to cherish the time you do have. I think I'm a little too needy for it to work the way it is right now. Leave it to me to find something good and chase it off due to my own insecurities.
My next apt with the doc is tomarrow. I'll find out if I have to have surgery or more meds. I hope it's more meds. Surgery will mean a bypass and I won't do it. I'm tired. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of hospitals. For the past 15 years, i've been in and out of hospital rooms at least 3 times a year. The biopsy came back ok on the lump. It's not cancerous. And they said we don't need to really do anything to it as long as it's not causing any problems.
I'm trying my best to keep up with the forums here and be in the chat room as often as I can as long as I can. I get so easily triggered these days. I've lost my objectivity. Maybe just misplaced it temporarily. I'm trying so hard not to let anyone down.
There's so much going on right now and it just keeps adding up. I'm strong. I've always been strong. But this past year, I haven't felt very strong. And right now, I feel like i'm breaking. I can't stop crying. Most of the time I don't even know why i'm crying. I just know it feels better after it's over. Sometimes. On the good days, I can defeat any obstacle. On the bad days, I count how many knives i have in my kitchen drawers. I'm a cook. I have a lot of knives. There is no "in between". And the good days are so rare now.
My friend calls me every night and we talk. But lately, i've been so down i don't know what to say. I just sit there and there's this silence. Conversations that once lasted 4 hours now only take 1. And before when he would crack a joke or make a smart ass comment i would smile and laugh with him. Now i take it personally and feel stupid and hurt. Why am I doing this? Why am I sabotaging the one good thing i have in my life right now? I always do this. I chase off those that love me because I don't deserve to have it. I ruin what's good because I don't know how to accept it. God please let him have patience with me and stick it out.
Ancestors, give me strength to overcome.
give me patience to endure.
give me compassion to feel.
give me sight thru this fog.
give me hope to survive.
I can't get a contractor for the kitchen floor. Looks like I'm gonna have to fix it myself. Tear up linolium, cut out damaged wood, replace with new wood and supports, lay new tiles. I've done it before. Of course, i was in my 20's and healthy as an ox at the time......
Daughter informs me their bank is $600 in the hole and they have no money. And it will keep going in the hole until she is able to return to work which could be months from now. She tells me this AFTER we spend 3 months blowing $2,000 going out and shopping for what all the baby needs. If I do the floor myself, I can do it all for about $100, give them the $600 they need and another $150 each month to keep them out of the hole until she finds work. So much for me getting work done on my teeth which are rotting and broken. But i'm a mother. That's my job. To make sure my daughter and grandchildren are ok. They come first. Think if I say it enough times it'll make me feel better about one more sacrafice for someone else's benefit?
College fell thru. No funding for myself. But I am still getting the bigger house at the end of this year. The kiddo needs a bigger place than what she has for her growing family. Heck, my 2 bed trailor is bigger than her house she has right now. I did buy the books for the classes I wanted to take and am studying them at home. Not near as diligently as I'd like to but i just don't have the time right now to devote to it like i want. That will change after the baby is born though.
Damn my teeth hurt.
I am taking my vacation come hell or high water. November 3rd, i'll be gone for 2 weeks and nobody will change that. How much i can blow while i'm on vacation has been drastically reduced now, but it's not going to stop me from going. This trip is important to me and by golly i deserve something for myself for a change.
With the new baby so close to be being born, it's bringing up a lot of memories. When the grandson was born, Harlan was still alive. Now, with the granddaughter, he won't ever be able to hold her, touch her, hear her laugh or see how beautiful she's going to be. It hurts to have so many memories flooding me at such a stressful time to begin with. Especially now with me trying to build a new life for myself. The very beginnings of a new relationship. I don't know if my friend and I are going to hit it off or not. I don't know how it's going to work being so far away from eachother and only getting to see eachother for what.... one or two visits a year? How is that going to last? But if there's one thing i've learned from this past year.... it's to cherish the time you do have. I think I'm a little too needy for it to work the way it is right now. Leave it to me to find something good and chase it off due to my own insecurities.
My next apt with the doc is tomarrow. I'll find out if I have to have surgery or more meds. I hope it's more meds. Surgery will mean a bypass and I won't do it. I'm tired. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of hospitals. For the past 15 years, i've been in and out of hospital rooms at least 3 times a year. The biopsy came back ok on the lump. It's not cancerous. And they said we don't need to really do anything to it as long as it's not causing any problems.
I'm trying my best to keep up with the forums here and be in the chat room as often as I can as long as I can. I get so easily triggered these days. I've lost my objectivity. Maybe just misplaced it temporarily. I'm trying so hard not to let anyone down.
There's so much going on right now and it just keeps adding up. I'm strong. I've always been strong. But this past year, I haven't felt very strong. And right now, I feel like i'm breaking. I can't stop crying. Most of the time I don't even know why i'm crying. I just know it feels better after it's over. Sometimes. On the good days, I can defeat any obstacle. On the bad days, I count how many knives i have in my kitchen drawers. I'm a cook. I have a lot of knives. There is no "in between". And the good days are so rare now.
My friend calls me every night and we talk. But lately, i've been so down i don't know what to say. I just sit there and there's this silence. Conversations that once lasted 4 hours now only take 1. And before when he would crack a joke or make a smart ass comment i would smile and laugh with him. Now i take it personally and feel stupid and hurt. Why am I doing this? Why am I sabotaging the one good thing i have in my life right now? I always do this. I chase off those that love me because I don't deserve to have it. I ruin what's good because I don't know how to accept it. God please let him have patience with me and stick it out.
Ancestors, give me strength to overcome.
give me patience to endure.
give me compassion to feel.
give me sight thru this fog.
give me hope to survive.
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
- Posts: 29195
- Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
- Posts: 29195
- Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
- Contact:
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