Cosmic Cat Play (Triggering Material)

[Mich]

((((((shatteredhopes))))))) My heart broke for you reading this post. How could someone be so cruel to such a warm and loving person as yourself? It just makes me so sad. You are right when you say that past memories pollute the present. I think you have the right idea in trying to get busy with your novel, pursuing work opportunities from home and maybe getting back into your political meetings. Maybe the more you fight to create a life for yourself in the present, the less stinging those memories will be.
Take good care today....you are being thought of and cared for. Mich.

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((((((Mich))))))))))) thanks so much for caring and supporting me, it means so much.

He is very mentally ill and not all of it is being treated because he fears if he opens up about all of it he will threaten his military career. Still, I should not have put up with it whatever the reason...so I am angry with myself for not walking early in the relationship at the first problems when it would have been easy. How did I get so far down that I put up with that? I had done so much work on my confidence and such, but the things that happened in my life over the previous few years just left me a shell of my former self. The first time we spent time together, he had come to see me, and things were going great...then we went to the coffee shop and just happened to run into to someone who had in some respects destroyed my life...I was so upset. We went back to my house and I was trying to talk and vent and he got angry (because I was saying I couldn't understand how God could allow some things to happen) or just didn't want to deal with it so he just packed his bags and left...walked out! I was floored! 8 hours later the phone rang...I knew it was him and didn't answer. Then the doorbell rang...I wasn't going to answer it, but thought he might have forgotten something, so I did...he weaseled his way back into my home and heart. I think that was the turning point...I could have let him go then, and should have. I would be much better off today if I hadn't stayed with him, especially given that I was just beginning to rebuild. Now I believe the mistreatment throughout the relationship undermined what little I had rebuilt...every time I felt confident and said something positive about myself, he treated me like it was arrogance and said something cruel and nasty to "deflate" me...one time when I told him I was feeling suicidal, he actually yelled at me...he expected me to understand his mental illness and support him, but he couldn't handle mine.

I am soooo glad I didn't move across country to live with him, as I'd be homeless today.

[Obayan]

Hi. I have been where you are. I also have PTSD to live with. So you and me, are gonna sit down and take this one thing at a time, ok?

I was awakened this morning with a collection call for my ex-husband
and day went downhill from there

What do your divorce papers say? You are responsible for all debt? I doubt it. Give them all the information you have on him and request the mailing address of the collection agency. Send them, in writing, and explanation and request to no longer be contacted. I’d even go so far as to spend a dollar and have the letter notarized. Most will back off at that point and write it off. If they don’t, legally, all you have to do is send them $5 a month to show intent to pay. They can’t touch you.

I really, really try to be a nice person and do the right thing, I just don't
understand why I have been hurt by so many so badly in recent years and desperately trying to figure out what if anything I did wrong that brought
so much sorrow in my life

Always remember that you are a good person of worth and value! Never let someone take that away from you. Never give up. You are a survivor. Not a victim. A survivor. Due the respect and dignity that all that word entails. You are strong, independent and worthy of good things. You feel yourself slip, you come in the chat room here and we will hold you up until you can stand again on your own. Bad things happen to good people. So do good things.

why are some people so cruel? so heartless that they don't care who
they destroy? how could I have been so mistaken about some people
and misreading them?

Predators are crafty and smart. They practice their craft on many people until they perfect it to a point where you don’t have a chance to recognize it for what it is.

Everytime I think I am following God's will for me and on the right
path, it blows up in my face and I get hurt.

Think of it this way…. There is a battle out there with good and evil. Why would evil want to attack it’s own? No, it goes after the good. To make you lose faith. You stay on the road and He will walk it with you. He will travel those bumps and potholes right along beside you. And you will triumph in the end in His glory.

I am losing hope. Sometimes I manage a good day and a little hope,
but the darkness when it comes is soooo overwhelming. I've just lost
too much, suffered too much, and my life feels like punishment and I
don't know what I did to deserve so much suffering and hurt; if I did
maybe I could make it right somehow.

Fight that darkness. You yell, scream, shake your fist, do whatever you have to but you fight it. Ok, you lost a lot, you went thru hell and came back alive. But don’t give up the one battle in your life that’s worth winning. You didn’t do a thing to deserve any of this! Nothing! So don’t go down that path again. You put the blame where it belongs. On him. And only on him.

When the memories come back, it’s horrid. I know. Write a list. I’m big on lists… But write a list of all the bad you feel. And next to each bad, you write down at LEAST one good. If you can’t think of it yourself, ask your family, your friends, heck, ask me I’ll give ya quite a few good. Acknowledge the bad exists. It happened. You can’t erase it. But when you are done, you spend just as much time on the good. Always end with the good. Include some pictures of things that make you smile if you want. A baby giggling in his crib, a beautiful sunset on the beach, whatever brings a smile to your face. You do that, and you will end every traumatic flashback with a smile.

Just remember, we are always here. We care. And we are here for you.

I have been there. I know you. You are me. We will figh this together and we will survive. They can't hurt you anymore.

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((((((Obayan)))))))))) I can't begin to tell you how much your helpful, insightful, and understanding comments meant to me.

Thanks so much for the suggestion about focusing on good thoughts in following a flashback/memories...somethings are just bad memories, some are traumatic ones...either way, they wear on me so your suggestion is helpful...I have also tried to do that today with triggers, try to immediately focus on something good before I spiral out of control.

Do you have any thoughts about how to regroup from nightmares? I had one again last night and it took a while to feel okay again today. I sleep with the light on (like a little kid!) because if I wake after a nightmare in the middle of the night, I know where I am and that I can see I am safe. I only do this now that I am alone, I didn't used to something about having another there was comforting...now I have no one to wake to talk to when I am scared and upset...no pets to hold to comfort me...so I leave the light on. Do you have any advice?

Thanks again!

[Obayan]

I wish I did. I have the nightmares too. And yes, I sleep with the lights on and all doors are closed. If you find something for that, let me know.

[Obayan]

Ok. This is what we are going to do.....

Each morning. Start your day with looking in the mirror and look right into your own eyes and say these things out loud....

I am worthy of love.
I am worthy of respect.
I deserve happiness.
I am a good person.
I am beautiful inside and that beauty will show outside too.
I deserve to be loved.


We'll do this together no matter how bad we feel. ok?

[Mich]

(((((shatteredhopes)))))) Obayan makes a great suggestion about what to say out loud every morning. I hope you follow her advice and say these things. They are so true.

[paperceltictiger]

((((((((S_hopes))))))

When I hear the way people have treated you (and others in this forum), it makes me so sad! There are times I am embarrassed to be a man There is no explanation for why people do hurtful things to others.

Having said that, it is clear to me as well that the world is full of warm, caring, intelligent, thoughtful people that care about one another (this forum is a great example - you are a great example).

I feel woefully inadequate in trying to help anyone with their problems - I feel like I have no idea what I am doing myself sometimes Obayan really gave so much terrific feedback.

All I can do is tell you that I think of you often and tell you you matter and tell you that I hope you keep fighting the good fight so that each day gets better for you

[TackingIntoTheWind]

(((( shatteredhopes )))) I'm also sorry to hear how badly you've been treated. I myself am often chilled by the " scent " of evil in the world, what Hannah Arendt called the " banality of evil. " But, however scared, depressed, and lost I may feel, I still have at least a glimmer of the sense that somehow good, however quietly, subtly and unobtrusively is ultimately, in the long term, stronger.
I often think of something Joe Michael Straczynski, the creator of the TV show Babylon 5, said: "I'm not an optimist, in many respects...if anything I have spent far too many midnights dwelling on the random cruelties, the petty abuses of power, the casual callousness...but every so often, you need an excuse, a nudge, a reminder to look around at what else is there, and just how remarkable it all is. "
There is an old saying too that says: " Light pierces darkness, darkness cannot comprehend light. " The rather encouraging idea that good understand things, knows tricks that evil can never master...
And while I have to admit that I'm a" Church of England agnostic " rather than a religious believer, I find myself thinking from time to time of a verse, somewhere in the New Testament, where Christ says of his followers that they are his, he has called them by name, and that no-one can snatch them out of his hand.
My point, ( And I do have one! ) is that I find the idea that good can always be found quietly and unobtrusively working somewhere, that good people can combine to find their way to better times, that we can and have chosen to align ourselves with the good and gentle and caring, and that we can always have at least the hope of meeting other such people, immensely reassuring and comforting.
Or, as Robert McCall once said in an episode of The Equalizer: " Around every corner, there IS someone who cares. "
( I hope this post isn't too ramblingly philosophical! )

[Mich]

((((((shatteredhopes)))))) I wish I could say something clever and intelligent but there is nothing there. Years of depression and starvation have affected my brain and I have trouble calling up any thoughts at all. Please know that I am here, thinking of you, and caring about how you are doing. That's all I can offer.

[shatteredhopes]

I've lost so much, and those who hurt me are prospering and don't even care how much they messed me up...like I am just a bug they squashed. Its so unfair. I've tried to be a good person, and have been hurt so badly and seemingly the cosmic forces are against me. I'm tired. I can't do this anymore. I can't take the pain and I don't want to be around for any more hurt. I don't want to go to the hospital because my only choices are where I was abused, or something super expensive, and I know I'll end up worse...my only shot is to battle this on my own and here, try to find something to keep me going...the pain is just so overwhelming. I just don't want to hurt anymore and life is just so completely unfair.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

(((( shatteredhopes )))), like ((((Mich )))) I cant't think of anything particularly wise or comforting to say.
But, please do keep battling this, on your own or here, but PLEASE do keep battling. You WOULD be missed!!!!!!!!
Do, please, take care of yourself. I'm sorry to think of you feeling so wretched.

[Mich]

(((((shatteredhopes))))) You have taken a turn for the worst and I am so worried about you. You simply must find a way to hang on. Can you do the thought blocking you have talked about to block out those negative thoughts? Can you do something nice and soothing for yourself like a nice shower or a cup of decadent hot chocolate? I know you have had so much hurt and pain in your life but you must keep the faith that a world of good awaits you. There is kindness and loving out there that will come to you if you let it. You must keep yourself safe. If that means going to the hospital, then you must go. Do whatever it takes to save yourself. I want you here to live the life I know you can live. I am here and will keep checking here for updates. Love Mich

[lisalou]

dearest shatteredhopes, i wish i was more mentally together at the moment to say more, but here it is, they are little words but they are sometimes all you need -

I love you and am thinking of you

Lisa xxxxxx

[Obayan]

Ok girl. You know what this is. You been here before. You recognize it. It's a down point. Nothing more. Don't give it any more power over you. It's a fog that our depression puts up around us so we can only see the things it wants us to. Do the work. Wipe away that fog so you can see what is real. Hang in there. The fog will lift. You will see what we do.... a kind, caring, wonderfull human being.