The makings of me... (triggering)
Moderators: Sunlily92, windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
enigma. all those experience sound horrible. you don't deserve any of that and you inspire me at how you are able to go on from them. you are so strong and i believe you will find peace and happiness in this life. you're such a good person and saved me so many times. i really appreciate having you in my life. stay strong and keep fighting. i know it may seem like the problems are never-ending. but we have to find way to be happy and deal with it and find our purpose. i know you will. i will always be here for you and will stay strong in your memory. you are only 21 and have such a great life ahead of you despite the pain you have experienced. hang in there...
(((((((((((James))))))))))))
Thank u for your words of encouragment. There have been many times that u have been my rock and shoulder to cry on. In fact from as long as I have been in the room you have been there. You are a brilliant person and I am happy I have been blessed with a friend like you. May we continue to lean on each other and strive to find the happiness and stability we crave.
Enigma
ps, im 22 lol
Thank u for your words of encouragment. There have been many times that u have been my rock and shoulder to cry on. In fact from as long as I have been in the room you have been there. You are a brilliant person and I am happy I have been blessed with a friend like you. May we continue to lean on each other and strive to find the happiness and stability we crave.
Enigma
ps, im 22 lol
So here I am having started a talking therapy 4 weeks ago. So far its only made me feel worse and the flashbacks and the memories I tried so hard to repress are so vivid its like being raped and humiliated all over again among other things. The nightmares disrupt my sleep and I often wake in a very dark mood or wanting to cry. I really don't want to remember these parts of my life that caused me to live in my own mental hell for so many years.
Turns out I have PTSD and have probably had it for a few years and had no idea my "symptoms" were anything other than me being me. That explains why my writing and the way I talk about my life is done in such a detached way, almost like I'm telling a story of someone else. I guess over the years I have learnt to separate myself from the experiences to protect my own sanity. Only now I'm learning that's not really "normal". I feel like I'm a huge waste of time to everyone really, especially therapist, I'm just so... emotionless I guess, I feel like I should be distraught or crying, acting like a normal person would in my situation yet I.. I just can't. So many tears have streamed from my eyes over my past I feel I have simply run out..I feel nothing just disgusted that it happened and I don't know really, just withdrawn maybe.
There was a time some weeks ago I was in such a mess I ended up at the psych hospital due to being an immediate danger to myself, they only sent me home after a few hours, no surprise there, I'm so used to being turned away from help. My meds have been doubled in dose and that was about all the help I was given.
Things have been up and down since then and my mood ebbs and flows as often strongly as the waves in the ocean. Without and inch of self esteem or confidence to rub together I often wonder if I'm fighting and lost battle here... These mental illnesses I have are running my life, they affect every single inch of my life, there is nothing they don't put a strain on and yet I feel totally powerless to change it. Its almost as if its eaten away my mind and has taken control of me, I am just a body being controlled by invisible illness. I crave mental stability yet I fall at every hurdle... I must indeed be a mistake who has failed to do anything in life except be abused and controlled and then left with my mind eroding away in my skull.
As a final note, my therapist says I am strong, she made me see that this may just been true, I laughed at her for saying it but as I am not yet dead and breath continues to be drawn into by body I will say here quietly to myself;
"Despite it all, I AM strong"
Turns out I have PTSD and have probably had it for a few years and had no idea my "symptoms" were anything other than me being me. That explains why my writing and the way I talk about my life is done in such a detached way, almost like I'm telling a story of someone else. I guess over the years I have learnt to separate myself from the experiences to protect my own sanity. Only now I'm learning that's not really "normal". I feel like I'm a huge waste of time to everyone really, especially therapist, I'm just so... emotionless I guess, I feel like I should be distraught or crying, acting like a normal person would in my situation yet I.. I just can't. So many tears have streamed from my eyes over my past I feel I have simply run out..I feel nothing just disgusted that it happened and I don't know really, just withdrawn maybe.
There was a time some weeks ago I was in such a mess I ended up at the psych hospital due to being an immediate danger to myself, they only sent me home after a few hours, no surprise there, I'm so used to being turned away from help. My meds have been doubled in dose and that was about all the help I was given.
Things have been up and down since then and my mood ebbs and flows as often strongly as the waves in the ocean. Without and inch of self esteem or confidence to rub together I often wonder if I'm fighting and lost battle here... These mental illnesses I have are running my life, they affect every single inch of my life, there is nothing they don't put a strain on and yet I feel totally powerless to change it. Its almost as if its eaten away my mind and has taken control of me, I am just a body being controlled by invisible illness. I crave mental stability yet I fall at every hurdle... I must indeed be a mistake who has failed to do anything in life except be abused and controlled and then left with my mind eroding away in my skull.
As a final note, my therapist says I am strong, she made me see that this may just been true, I laughed at her for saying it but as I am not yet dead and breath continues to be drawn into by body I will say here quietly to myself;
"Despite it all, I AM strong"
Wow Enigma. I think you should be so proud of how brave and amazing you are to be here today. I feel proud for you!
You can't choose your family, but you certainly can make your own. I know with Mya there will be no continuation of abuse and shame - you are STRONG and will find a way to happiness.
I'm glad to read you have an uncle on the scene who cares. Perhaps he can help you with accomodation further away from your negative family members and get you into some groups of even clubs.
All the love I can give, from the bottom of the world.
You can't choose your family, but you certainly can make your own. I know with Mya there will be no continuation of abuse and shame - you are STRONG and will find a way to happiness.
I'm glad to read you have an uncle on the scene who cares. Perhaps he can help you with accomodation further away from your negative family members and get you into some groups of even clubs.
All the love I can give, from the bottom of the world.
(((Mpal)))
Thank you for your suggestions and your words. I moved to my current town 2 years ago, 60miles away from my family and closer to my uncle. Last December saw my mother and her boyfriend move just 2 streets away from me. My mother tries a little more to help but she does the bare minimum. I love my home and I wont be moving again for a while. I have moved 11 times in 7 years.
As for the groups Mya and myself are due to join the local childrens centre (when I have the courage to go and face other people) and I hope to start going to the gym but for the same reasons haven't quite managed it yet.
Mya is a very happy child despite the fact I am very withdrawn and irritable. I do the best I can for her and she is well looked after.
Enigma
Thank you for your suggestions and your words. I moved to my current town 2 years ago, 60miles away from my family and closer to my uncle. Last December saw my mother and her boyfriend move just 2 streets away from me. My mother tries a little more to help but she does the bare minimum. I love my home and I wont be moving again for a while. I have moved 11 times in 7 years.
As for the groups Mya and myself are due to join the local childrens centre (when I have the courage to go and face other people) and I hope to start going to the gym but for the same reasons haven't quite managed it yet.
Mya is a very happy child despite the fact I am very withdrawn and irritable. I do the best I can for her and she is well looked after.
Enigma
Once again I feel its time for an update to my story. It seems my life has taken a positive turn for a change. Somehow I managed to find the courage to walk into my local gym and join up but it didn't stop there I am now going 5 times a week for an hour workout (its been 4 and a half weeks in a row now) and I am feeling better for it. Ok so I haven't made any friends there but that's ok I guess, I never been good with friends anyway.
Therapy has been very hard recently and I spent nearly the entire session crying when I told of my Alex and what happened to him, it was like my heart broke again and it all came rushing back. How silly I felt crying uncontrollably in front of the therapist, she says I need to come to a place of acceptance that he is gone. How the hell do I find this acceptance?? Guess its only been a year and a half so its still raw. I don't know what to think, if only things had be different...
So to escape the pain I found another hobby (somewhat by accident) besides the gym- cooking. I have bought cook books second hand and been cooking all sorts, I really enjoy it too. I have learnt my traditional dishes from my country of heritage (Jamaica) as well as Lebanese and Indian. I have 7 more books on the way, I look forward to it. I have been making my own juices and smoothies and baking too.
When I am doing these things its like I escape for awhile and forget the pain. I guess that's why I go back to the gym everyday and keep busy in the kitchen when I am at home. Only thing is I can't get away permanently, I still get low and sometimes I feel upset or angry but at least I have found a temporary escape from myself, my hurt.
My boyfriend is taking me away on a 4 night winter break in December which I look forward to. Things have gone from strength to strength with us.
So that's the end of my rant albeit a somewhat positive one, something I don't get the chance to do often. I hope this is the beginning of something good, if things can just remain the way they are I would be grateful. It's been so long since I felt ok and I hope it lasts.
Enigma
Therapy has been very hard recently and I spent nearly the entire session crying when I told of my Alex and what happened to him, it was like my heart broke again and it all came rushing back. How silly I felt crying uncontrollably in front of the therapist, she says I need to come to a place of acceptance that he is gone. How the hell do I find this acceptance?? Guess its only been a year and a half so its still raw. I don't know what to think, if only things had be different...
So to escape the pain I found another hobby (somewhat by accident) besides the gym- cooking. I have bought cook books second hand and been cooking all sorts, I really enjoy it too. I have learnt my traditional dishes from my country of heritage (Jamaica) as well as Lebanese and Indian. I have 7 more books on the way, I look forward to it. I have been making my own juices and smoothies and baking too.
When I am doing these things its like I escape for awhile and forget the pain. I guess that's why I go back to the gym everyday and keep busy in the kitchen when I am at home. Only thing is I can't get away permanently, I still get low and sometimes I feel upset or angry but at least I have found a temporary escape from myself, my hurt.
My boyfriend is taking me away on a 4 night winter break in December which I look forward to. Things have gone from strength to strength with us.
So that's the end of my rant albeit a somewhat positive one, something I don't get the chance to do often. I hope this is the beginning of something good, if things can just remain the way they are I would be grateful. It's been so long since I felt ok and I hope it lasts.
Enigma
-
Warmsoul/Jeanie13
- Posts: 29195
- Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
- Contact:
(((( Warmsoul )))))
You cannot have picked a more fitting name for yourself, you are a warmsoul. I have missed you also and I will try to keep in touch better.
I was just thinking about what I wrote last night and how I feel so low today its laughable. Seems the goodness never lasts long for me. Despite feeling very low and wanting to give up I wont. I went to the gym as usual and have stuck to the eating plan. I won't be defeated by this illness or these negative feelings.
Enigma
You cannot have picked a more fitting name for yourself, you are a warmsoul. I have missed you also and I will try to keep in touch better.
I was just thinking about what I wrote last night and how I feel so low today its laughable. Seems the goodness never lasts long for me. Despite feeling very low and wanting to give up I wont. I went to the gym as usual and have stuck to the eating plan. I won't be defeated by this illness or these negative feelings.
Enigma
-
Warmsoul/Jeanie13
- Posts: 29195
- Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
- Contact:
((((((((((((( Enigma ))))))))))))))))))
Hon, life isn't always easy. The easy part is sometimes, ( note I said sometimes ) just giving up, giving in. The hard part is fighting it, making things better, as best you can.
I see and feel the strength you are gaining, hang on to that, and know I and many others are here to give support and help you through those low times. What friendship is all about, for each other. The bonus is earning the respect and love of so many. You have mine.
Warmie
Hon, life isn't always easy. The easy part is sometimes, ( note I said sometimes ) just giving up, giving in. The hard part is fighting it, making things better, as best you can.
I see and feel the strength you are gaining, hang on to that, and know I and many others are here to give support and help you through those low times. What friendship is all about, for each other. The bonus is earning the respect and love of so many. You have mine.
Warmie
((((( Warmie )))))
You always have the right words to soothe the hurt, thank you. Yes you are right that sometimes giving up and giving in is the easy part. It is ever so hard to fight when it seems the world and its wife it against you but I will fight because it has always been in my nature, determination is rooted in me.
This is just a low day and I know what the cause it. That horrid scale told me I haven't lost any weight and it made me feel like I am failing. It made me think a whole range of negative thoughts, silly as it sounds its very real for me. I am fustrated that I am busting my ass in the gym and seeing no results where the flab busting is concerned. What keeps me going is the desire to lose the weight and the knowledge that it is having positive effects in other area's of my life and well being. Better days must come.
Thank you Warmie and all for the support you have given and continue to give. You will never know what it means to me.
Enigma
You always have the right words to soothe the hurt, thank you. Yes you are right that sometimes giving up and giving in is the easy part. It is ever so hard to fight when it seems the world and its wife it against you but I will fight because it has always been in my nature, determination is rooted in me.
This is just a low day and I know what the cause it. That horrid scale told me I haven't lost any weight and it made me feel like I am failing. It made me think a whole range of negative thoughts, silly as it sounds its very real for me. I am fustrated that I am busting my ass in the gym and seeing no results where the flab busting is concerned. What keeps me going is the desire to lose the weight and the knowledge that it is having positive effects in other area's of my life and well being. Better days must come.
Thank you Warmie and all for the support you have given and continue to give. You will never know what it means to me.
Enigma
-
Warmsoul/Jeanie13
- Posts: 29195
- Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
- Contact:
((((((((((((( enigma21 ))))))))))))))))
I am SO PROUD of you. You continue fighting, going to the gym, keeping your will power strong. Do you realize how difficult that really is? Doubt that you do for you have that inter-will power, that "determination that is rooted in you".
Remember this, when you exercise, go to the gym, as you are, you build muscles. Muscles have weight. So you may think you aren't winning that battle when in reality you are!! Bet you have toned down your body, but you do as all women do, you read the scales. Don't let it make you think you are failing for you aren't.
I would love to be able to do what you are doing, but the body won't let me. Too many surgeries, too many diseases to deal with, too many meds that doesn't help with weight, my age. Lots of things, but I won't let that make me feel it is all my fault. There are somethings you can not control, I have learned that over the years and I am all right with it. I am who I am, take it or leave it.
Now 'missy' you stay positive, you fight that battle, may never win completely but you will be able to say, I didn't give in to the easy side of things. Life is too short to allow happiness to slip by.
Oh gessh, I need to shut up....LOL....sorry. Just know I am here, always, and I really do care. It isn't just words on a screen.
Warmie
I am SO PROUD of you. You continue fighting, going to the gym, keeping your will power strong. Do you realize how difficult that really is? Doubt that you do for you have that inter-will power, that "determination that is rooted in you".
Remember this, when you exercise, go to the gym, as you are, you build muscles. Muscles have weight. So you may think you aren't winning that battle when in reality you are!! Bet you have toned down your body, but you do as all women do, you read the scales. Don't let it make you think you are failing for you aren't.
I would love to be able to do what you are doing, but the body won't let me. Too many surgeries, too many diseases to deal with, too many meds that doesn't help with weight, my age. Lots of things, but I won't let that make me feel it is all my fault. There are somethings you can not control, I have learned that over the years and I am all right with it. I am who I am, take it or leave it.
Now 'missy' you stay positive, you fight that battle, may never win completely but you will be able to say, I didn't give in to the easy side of things. Life is too short to allow happiness to slip by.
Oh gessh, I need to shut up....LOL....sorry. Just know I am here, always, and I really do care. It isn't just words on a screen.
Warmie
(((((((( Warmie ))))))))))
You are right. I have been asking myself if it really is muscle gain that has displaced my scale reading. Is muscle really denser than fat?
Anyway, I'm sorry you are unable to get to the gym but I am sure there are things you can do to keep yourself fit. I don't know your situation so I don't know what else to say.
I will keep chugging along. Maybe I should measure my weight by the fit of my clothes... I have all my clothes that either I cant fit in or are tight. I haven't bought any new ones, I refuse to wear a bigger size. As my body changes they should fit better I guess.
Not feeling as defeated right now, I made a lovely lamb korma with saffron rice and sweet potato and cumin paranthas (flat breads). All that and it was healthy enough to stay within my weight watchers daily allowance! Tomorrow is pumpkin and sweet potato soup for lunch.
Now I had better quit spouting and wash up. Warmie your words and support are always welcome and you can type as much as you like for me it all helps and is appreciated.
Thank you for everything.
Enigma
You are right. I have been asking myself if it really is muscle gain that has displaced my scale reading. Is muscle really denser than fat?
Anyway, I'm sorry you are unable to get to the gym but I am sure there are things you can do to keep yourself fit. I don't know your situation so I don't know what else to say.
I will keep chugging along. Maybe I should measure my weight by the fit of my clothes... I have all my clothes that either I cant fit in or are tight. I haven't bought any new ones, I refuse to wear a bigger size. As my body changes they should fit better I guess.
Not feeling as defeated right now, I made a lovely lamb korma with saffron rice and sweet potato and cumin paranthas (flat breads). All that and it was healthy enough to stay within my weight watchers daily allowance! Tomorrow is pumpkin and sweet potato soup for lunch.
Now I had better quit spouting and wash up. Warmie your words and support are always welcome and you can type as much as you like for me it all helps and is appreciated.
Thank you for everything.
Enigma
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 88 guests