I can't stand loosing. I'm used to failing. But why can't I let go.
I'm lying in bed, not letting go. It's killing me. Why not let it. That's what it wants.
Things not done, unrealized dreams that seem so possible, so tangible; if only I could have gotten up every morning, gotten things done, be reliable, give support, get support.
Successful lives stand back, assess, don't get involved, keep their hands clean. Who can blame them? It wouldn't change anything to lay blame. We'd all like a better world, wouldn't we? The only one we can work on is the one we're in. Everyone's in their own world.
Circus Clowns and Lunatics and Me (Not neccesarily in that..
Moderators: Sunlily92, windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
to frame
there are two men, they meet when they are young at kindergarden.
one creates an empire and slowly but surely he conquers the world and owns every building , every country , he owns the world.
he has power, and money, and riches.
one day he goes back to the town he came from and goes to see his old kindergarden friend.
he tells him how he owns the whole world, and asks what he has done with his life.
his friend says that he has had mental illness, and tells him how he has struggled, with suicide and dark thoughts. he goes on to say that he has been sitting at the back of this house just quietly contemplating life and its meaning.
the rich friend laughs and says" so you have nothing, you own nothing ! what a waste of time all your thinking and lack of doing."
with that his friend disappears in front of his eyes, he dissolves in to the ether , and becomes the garden he was sitting in, the house , the woodland that surrounds the house, the town he lived in . he becomes every country, the world, and the stars beyond, he becomes the very essence of the universe.
he had become everything, not by doing but by just being.
.
you are a success frame, you just don't know it.
there are two men, they meet when they are young at kindergarden.
one creates an empire and slowly but surely he conquers the world and owns every building , every country , he owns the world.
he has power, and money, and riches.
one day he goes back to the town he came from and goes to see his old kindergarden friend.
he tells him how he owns the whole world, and asks what he has done with his life.
his friend says that he has had mental illness, and tells him how he has struggled, with suicide and dark thoughts. he goes on to say that he has been sitting at the back of this house just quietly contemplating life and its meaning.
the rich friend laughs and says" so you have nothing, you own nothing ! what a waste of time all your thinking and lack of doing."
with that his friend disappears in front of his eyes, he dissolves in to the ether , and becomes the garden he was sitting in, the house , the woodland that surrounds the house, the town he lived in . he becomes every country, the world, and the stars beyond, he becomes the very essence of the universe.
he had become everything, not by doing but by just being.
.
you are a success frame, you just don't know it.
Well, the first domino has fallen. I see I wrote on the 29th of Oct that my landlord said I have to go. I have to admit he's been patient and I have been lethargic. But he wrote to me yesterday to return the keys and get out ASAP. Still, no dead line but I really have to go. The last two months haven't been a total wash. Among my concerns are how to close up and leave with work coming in, but the work has slowed to a trickle. It's hard to tell if it's the economy, or competition, or I'm just not trying. But it's not unhappy customers, and the quality hasn't suffered. So that's a source of pride.
Maybe it's pride, though, that's the problem here. I'm hiding emotionally, and lately physically from the reality of moving on. I'm not thinking straight, partly because I refuse to let go of the past. I fantasize the past is where I can learn what's wrong with me, where I can plan a better future. Maybe yes maybe no, but nothing resolving out yet and the world is moving on and I'm still hiding. I need to let go... of something... what? What to keep, what to throw away, always a problem for me.
But I'm re-reading this post and I think that's the strength of this forum. Because I gain strength not just from what people write but what they have written:
I do have to find resolution in my own terms. The next leg of my life has to be more sustainable. And I know when I shed some of the things that aren't working, my life will be lighter. The solutions are right in front of me. It's just that the problems are in front of them obscuring the view. I could be wrong, I'll let you know, but I don't think transition is the hardest thing. The hardest thing is making the decisions, banishing the guilt (or as someone pointed out, the fear), and not changing my mind (again).
Any way, it was nice to turn to this thread, when I needed a lift.
Onward.
Maybe it's pride, though, that's the problem here. I'm hiding emotionally, and lately physically from the reality of moving on. I'm not thinking straight, partly because I refuse to let go of the past. I fantasize the past is where I can learn what's wrong with me, where I can plan a better future. Maybe yes maybe no, but nothing resolving out yet and the world is moving on and I'm still hiding. I need to let go... of something... what? What to keep, what to throw away, always a problem for me.
But I'm re-reading this post and I think that's the strength of this forum. Because I gain strength not just from what people write but what they have written:
Elysium wrote:Also I don't want to be that guy coming here preaching good sounding theory all over and then you're still left in a shitty practical experience without being able to relate. So, what I mean by that is just that I deeply hope that you will find practical resolution. In a real and profound way that is; on your own authority and in your own daily experience.
4Everme wrote:You know that I understand major transition. Well, you know the last one that I sure hated! But, I did make it when the odds were stacked against me. You will too, and after you've transitioned, you'll feel SO much lighter! Some of that weight and worry will have fled. I know you can do this, Frame. You are stronger than you believe.
fallen wrote:you are a success frame, you just don't know it.
I do have to find resolution in my own terms. The next leg of my life has to be more sustainable. And I know when I shed some of the things that aren't working, my life will be lighter. The solutions are right in front of me. It's just that the problems are in front of them obscuring the view. I could be wrong, I'll let you know, but I don't think transition is the hardest thing. The hardest thing is making the decisions, banishing the guilt (or as someone pointed out, the fear), and not changing my mind (again).
Any way, it was nice to turn to this thread, when I needed a lift.
Onward.
Take it or Leave it.
What to take; what to leave.
The tough decisions.
Anyone have any philosophical advice as to what sort of things I shouldn't leave behind? I try to stay on my established routine but obviously things have to change.
I just want to walk away (to where, to what; I don't know) but I know shouldn't. Maybe I can't. Somethings are bound to follow me anyway.
But some things, out of fear or pride or vanity, I might try to take which should be forgotten. There's only so much of me. What do I make sure to take, things I'll need, that I might forget?
Oh, how our minds get in the way.
The tough decisions.
Anyone have any philosophical advice as to what sort of things I shouldn't leave behind? I try to stay on my established routine but obviously things have to change.
I just want to walk away (to where, to what; I don't know) but I know shouldn't. Maybe I can't. Somethings are bound to follow me anyway.
But some things, out of fear or pride or vanity, I might try to take which should be forgotten. There's only so much of me. What do I make sure to take, things I'll need, that I might forget?
Oh, how our minds get in the way.
Hi Frame,
There was something that I'd written on the first page of this thread, a while back. It meant something to me when I had revealed it to you, but I didn't receive a response from you then. Will you please share what your feelings are about this?
I just want you to realize how big of a deal this is. This was something I really did attempt not too long before finding this site. It was also my plan to carry it out, while I'd been on this site. When you read my first thread, responded and stayed in my corner, it became more difficult (as time grew on) to not at least feel some semblance of hope.
Time changes, and life goes on. One thing that remains the same is my gratefulness to you, after God of course, that I literally didn't make the worst mistake of my life.
There was something that I'd written on the first page of this thread, a while back. It meant something to me when I had revealed it to you, but I didn't receive a response from you then. Will you please share what your feelings are about this?
I just want you to realize how big of a deal this is. This was something I really did attempt not too long before finding this site. It was also my plan to carry it out, while I'd been on this site. When you read my first thread, responded and stayed in my corner, it became more difficult (as time grew on) to not at least feel some semblance of hope.
Time changes, and life goes on. One thing that remains the same is my gratefulness to you, after God of course, that I literally didn't make the worst mistake of my life.
When an oyster gets a bit of sand inside it's shell that irritates the tender body of the oyster. So it covers the irritant with mother of pearl and that's how a pearl is made. It's the same material it covers the inside of it's shell. Think of how rough the outside of an oyster is, and how smooth inside.
There are things inside me that I can't seem to get rid of; and I feel like I'm building up a hard smooth shell around them and around me. I think anti-depressants can do that but I'm not on them (well St. Johns Wart).
I'm happy about helping to save lives, but there are so many out there and they are pressing on my shell. I'm confused about the value of human life and what lengths anyone need go to in order to save mine. I'm floundering and I believe in the concept of survival of the fittest. I also believe that, as long as I am here on this earth, I might as well be of some use. That's probably not what people want to hear.
Enthalpy in the bound energy of order. Entropy is energy released as chaos and dis-order. And me, I don't know what I am. Sorry, this was probably the wrong time to try posting. I'll try to be lucid later.
There are things inside me that I can't seem to get rid of; and I feel like I'm building up a hard smooth shell around them and around me. I think anti-depressants can do that but I'm not on them (well St. Johns Wart).
I'm happy about helping to save lives, but there are so many out there and they are pressing on my shell. I'm confused about the value of human life and what lengths anyone need go to in order to save mine. I'm floundering and I believe in the concept of survival of the fittest. I also believe that, as long as I am here on this earth, I might as well be of some use. That's probably not what people want to hear.
Enthalpy in the bound energy of order. Entropy is energy released as chaos and dis-order. And me, I don't know what I am. Sorry, this was probably the wrong time to try posting. I'll try to be lucid later.
Fog of Today
I have a growing distrust of the common sense and wisdom of most people (and I include myself). I think it's growing from an inability get good advice. Mind you, it may be that I have trouble applying said advice (including my own). Or maybe it's about miss-interpreting the advice. Or denial; perhaps I fear applying that advice and so deny it's validity.
I think, however, my distrust may be well founded and I think perhaps the problem is that life is moving faster and faster away from common experience; and so common wisdom applies less and less. Fortunately, my eroding distrust in common sense is being off set by a growing certainty in the basic good in all human beings. I have more and more experiential data proving that we are all making the best choices we know how and to the extent our circumstances allow the most altruistic choices.
How does this apply to fog? I'm getting there. My dad is a good example. He is in his eighties and still makes many decisions based on the world of the 1960's. Many of those ideals are out of place, but I know he means well and there is wisdom in all his opinions. They just have to be parsed carefully.
One of his bits of advice is about depression. I think he realizes but doesn't address the thought that he may wrestle with depression know and then. But he does consider it in abstract terms and when I began discussing my depression, he began urging me to determinedly practice doing things that bring me joy. I think it's essential advice.
Some people succeed somehow by only seeking things that bring them joy. Some people live their lives working toward a joyful afterlife. My problem is that I spend so much time trying to push away darkness, that when I get around to seeking joy, there's almost no time left for earning an income. It wasn't always that way. That's how I know I'm not just whining.
Anyway, about the fog; it's thick and deep this morning and not just metaphorical. Another one of my friends texted me that was in the park photographing a covered bridge in the morning fog. So I went out and found some images. Beautiful images (I think) of trees in the fog. It actually is kind of a good metaphor. I'll post them when I get a chance.
Thanks for reading to the end. [If you skipped to the end get back there.]
Oh and P.S. fallen; I shall attempt to close the door. It will feel good to have it shut. And we have to don't we? for another door to open... [but dignity; that ship sailed in 1972.]
I think, however, my distrust may be well founded and I think perhaps the problem is that life is moving faster and faster away from common experience; and so common wisdom applies less and less. Fortunately, my eroding distrust in common sense is being off set by a growing certainty in the basic good in all human beings. I have more and more experiential data proving that we are all making the best choices we know how and to the extent our circumstances allow the most altruistic choices.
How does this apply to fog? I'm getting there. My dad is a good example. He is in his eighties and still makes many decisions based on the world of the 1960's. Many of those ideals are out of place, but I know he means well and there is wisdom in all his opinions. They just have to be parsed carefully.
One of his bits of advice is about depression. I think he realizes but doesn't address the thought that he may wrestle with depression know and then. But he does consider it in abstract terms and when I began discussing my depression, he began urging me to determinedly practice doing things that bring me joy. I think it's essential advice.
Some people succeed somehow by only seeking things that bring them joy. Some people live their lives working toward a joyful afterlife. My problem is that I spend so much time trying to push away darkness, that when I get around to seeking joy, there's almost no time left for earning an income. It wasn't always that way. That's how I know I'm not just whining.
Anyway, about the fog; it's thick and deep this morning and not just metaphorical. Another one of my friends texted me that was in the park photographing a covered bridge in the morning fog. So I went out and found some images. Beautiful images (I think) of trees in the fog. It actually is kind of a good metaphor. I'll post them when I get a chance.
Thanks for reading to the end. [If you skipped to the end get back there.]
Oh and P.S. fallen; I shall attempt to close the door. It will feel good to have it shut. And we have to don't we? for another door to open... [but dignity; that ship sailed in 1972.]
Sometimes I think I listen too much. Well, anyway , lately people have been telling me I look to hard for meaning.
I'm not looking for sympathy so much as I just feel I have to write this down to try to make it real. This week I've forced to shut down my business (a relief really) and in an unconnected coincidence a debt collector somehow legally cleaned out my meager bank account. So today I have no job [well my job is to vacate my shop], no money, and no prospects for making any. Its' not like I didn't see this coming. But it still isn't real. It just keeps getting more surreal.
At some point, something has to click (or snap) and I have to somehow begin to help myself. I can't find anything inside.
I'm not looking for sympathy so much as I just feel I have to write this down to try to make it real. This week I've forced to shut down my business (a relief really) and in an unconnected coincidence a debt collector somehow legally cleaned out my meager bank account. So today I have no job [well my job is to vacate my shop], no money, and no prospects for making any. Its' not like I didn't see this coming. But it still isn't real. It just keeps getting more surreal.
At some point, something has to click (or snap) and I have to somehow begin to help myself. I can't find anything inside.
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