abandoned and depressed

[paulapjseven]

OMG, what a day! Sorry if I worried you, I worried me too. My doctor wanted me to go to the ER today, but I talked my way out of that. I guess I was having withdrawal symptoms from the antidepressant. I still feel kind of weird, but I guess I'll live-damn it! I couldn't move bc I was so dizzy and shaky and I had a terrrible headache and nosebleed. Now he wants me to see another psychiatrist and stop this Antidepressant. I am afraid to stop it and it doesn't make sense to me to.
And how was your day? I hope you are doing well. You've got to be one of the nicest people I've ever seen online.
Take Care,
Paula

[Eric0620]

Wow! That is quite a day you had --- mine was lousy, but NOT anything like yours. You win! Yes, you need to live and am so glad you are making a fight for it. I know it's tough, but I know you'll make it and am certainly rooting for you. Glad you will be seeing another psychiatrist --- from what you said, and even though I never met him, he sounded like such a moron with how he was handling you. Maybe he's the same clown that I had and got rid of a few years back! Thanks so much, Paula, and I'll continue to pray for you and that you get relief soon.

Sincerely,
Eric

[paulapjseven]

Eric,
Why don't you tell me why your day was lousy. Are you not happy with your job?
Talk to me.

Paula

[Eric0620]

Paula, thank you for asking. I like the work itself when I'm actually doing what they need me to do, but it's such chaos most of the time because people are usually not trained properly, don't follow procedures, etc., and I am constantly under enormous stress to straighten-out headaches caused by the lack of proper training/not following procedure and almost everyday I have to drop everything to "save the day". I've recently had three very dear, close, and special people I worked with move on to other jobs and it just devastated me so much, especially since they all moved-on in such close proximity with each other --- the last two within a week of each other. I know people move-on and I have to accept that, but it just hit me so hard and with the third one I just started to choke-up when she told me she was leaving, too. She gave me a big hug, but it still just broke my heart how the ones I wanted to stay the most were leaving. I have always HATED change, especially a change that I don't like. Again, I just have to accept things like this in life. With all the above going on, along with depression getting another grip on me, I'm just so unhappy right now. That's why I came to this website because, even though my wife is a wonderful source of strength for me, I just felt that trying to get support for myself here would help, and it has been. I just need/want to get support wherever I can, and my wife understands and completely supports this. And I want to try and help others feel better, too.

Thank you, Paula --- it helps being able to tell someone that I hurt, and that they/you cared enough to ask. BIG HUG FOR YOU!!!

Always,

Eric

[paulapjseven]

Eric,
If you are always having to drop everything you're supposed to be doing, to 'clean up' others mistakes, it must be that you are well qualified for the job. If it's too much of a stresser for you, maybe you should let your supervisor know about it. That is why I always say, "It don't pay to know too much!"
Hopefully you can work things out at your job, so that you can enjoy what you do.
As far as the friends that you enjoyed working with, maybe you could still stay in touch with them somehow. Chin up Eric, things have got to get better. Sleep on it, and take care.
Paula

[Eric0620]

Yes, without boasting, they do know I'm well qualified for it. The funny thing is my immediate boss is in the same boat as me, and so is our director who is helping a lot. They are both working hard to implement changes to relieve the stress because they understand the problem and that it needs to change. They are both the best bosses I've ever had and have nothing but praise for them. As for my friends --- yes, we are in contact (connected in FB), etc. and there are some get-togethers planned. Just miss them so badly being able to see them everyday. I've been chatting with one of them these evening a bit, so that helps. I'll make it, though. Thanks Paula --- you are also a great source of strength/support for me.

Sincerely,
Eric

[paulapjseven]

Well at least they see there is a need to change things. Hopefully that can be done soon, for your sake.
I know what you mean about 'change'. I too hate change and that is my problem, I think with the end to my long marriage. I just cannot grasp the fact that life took such a drastic turn from what I was so used to.
My soon-to-be ex told me a week after he left me, "You just can't let go, can you?" And, no I can't-I was holding on tight for 27 years and forced to loosen my grip in an instant.
Wow, I guess I'd better not start talking about that, I can't handle that tonight.
Anyway Eric, I'm glad I could somehow help support you tonight. Take it easy tomorrow at work. Night-night

Paula

[Eric0620]

If you ever need to keep talking about it, it's completely fine with me --- I won't grow tired of it, and you talking about it will also keep helping you bit-by-bit.

Pleasant dreams, Paula --- and thank you again!

Sincerely,
Eric

[paulapjseven]

Thank you Eric. I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself. I never was like that before. I just feel so rotten. I can just tell, it's going to be one of those days. I can't believe my doctor wants me to stop my antidepressant altogether. I am scared of how I will feel. That's the problem with primary care docs, I don't think they know enough about depression to control your medications. It could be a few months before I can get in to see a new psychiatrist. Talk to you later.

Paula

[Eric0620]

You're quite welcome, Paula, and whenever you are down you will always get support. Is your doctor going to put you on another antidepressant? I know he was trying to wean you off the one you were taking because it shot your BP up. If he's not, you need to go in there, raise 'h' and say "no way --- not acceptable" because for people like us we have to have it because depression unfortunately will not go away on its own. That doctor I told you about where I changed doctors was because he tried taking me off them altogether when I was clearly not stable and knew he had no idea what he was doing or considered the ramifications. At first I went along with it, but found out quickly how I needed to be on meds because I deteriorated so fast, and it wasn't because of a "self-fulfilling prophecy". I started getting depressed again, not sleeping well at all, difficulty concentrating, etc. So again, please, if your doctor is not planning on replacing the old med you need to fight and tell him he has to --- if the worst scenario occurred because of refusal to put you on something else, would he want surviving family members suing him? I'm behind you, Paula --- go get 'em!

Sincerely,
Eric

[paulapjseven]

No, my doctor isn't putting me on anything else. I think because he doesn't know what to try next. That's why he's giving up on me. I called my insurance co. this morning to get a list of psychiatrists that take my insurance. I called them and some weren't taking new patients and some didn't see adults. The only place that will see me is booked for 2 months. I hate calling people. Seriously, it took me an hour to get my courage up enough just to call the first one. It's a big production for me.
I'm ready to give up Eric. Why is it when you need help the most, is when your doctor passes you off to someone else and they don't even help you get there...........nothing is easy when your depressed, is it? It just feels like everything is crashing down around me.

[Eric0620]

Hi Paula,

Please have him see if he can try the one I'm on, Amitriptyline (generic), and the brand name is Elavil. My dosage is being up-ed to 100 mg, but I remember my psychiatrist saying 150 mg is the "standard dose" for this one.

I wish I could help besides just giving support (giving you some of my medicine, if that's what it took), but all I can do is ask/plead that you NOT give up. I get completely how frustrating and ridiculous this is for you. I mentioned how in my memoir that they were able to squeeze me in for a "same-day, emergency session" when my situation came to a head and almost unraveled before everyones' eyes. You might need to tell them that you are feeling suicidal and that might clear the way.

Please, PLEASE, Paula, for the love of God I'm pleading that you not give up, and fight for your life --- I know that's easy for me to say, but we still need you and want you here.

Always,
Eric

[paulapjseven]

Hi Eric,
What was you doing writing in the middle of the day? I wasn't going to check until later on, you surprised me!
My doctor "won't take recommendations from his patients on what meds they should take."

I have been bawling most of the afternoon. I think now I am all out of tears. I'm just feeling so alone and confused and tired. I don't know Eric if maybe it was meant to be, for me 'not to be'. Do you know what I mean??

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? You are a really good person Eric and I know you'll be honest with me.

Glad to hear from you,
Paula

[Eric0620]

Hi Paula,

I just wanted to check from time-to-time if anything new was going on. Boy, those doctor's are really hard-nosed! I'm guessing he had no useful recommendations of his own since he sounds like he's too proud. I'm so sorry this is such an uphill battle for you! It's bad enough to have depression crippling you emotionally, but is it really necessary (medically) to add insult to injury!? Maybe another primary care physician could be sought after if you explained the situation of how you're desperately trying to get help and the medical field is slamming doors in your face. I'm still with you all the way here, but in case you haven't tried it, maybe go to the chat room here and ask them how to proceed. I'm NOT giving up, but they may have some advice that I wouldn't know about. My advice has all been based on common sense from the standpoint of your perspective, but common sense on their part (the medical profession in whichever state you're living in) just doesn't exist. Again, just please let me be clear that I'm not giving up on you and I'm not trying to pass you on to anyone else because I still want to help and know how this all turns out.

I wish I could physically lend my shoulder for you to cry on. It's so crazy that you have such a burden on top of everything else. When I was going through my deepest depressions, I would ask God why I was being put through such hell. I wasn't angry; I just could not for the life of me understand why I had to go through it, and I believe with all my heart that He needed me to go through this hell in order to try to help someone else down the road since I could say that I know what it's like. I've learned that the answers we want are often not to be revealed until later on in life. That doesn't give much comfort for the present time period, but it all will make sense at some point. No, you ARE meant to be --- it's absolute hell now, but there is some reason you are being made to go through this. I've been in the merciless grip of depression so many times I've literally lost count, but managed to survive it everytime, with God's help, love, and the love of family and friends.

Thanks so much for your compliment, Paula. Please keep strong, and know you are supported, and being given a lot of hugs and concern for your well-being. I will still be with you through this.

Sincerely,

Eric

[paulapjseven]

Hi Eric,
Yeah, he had a recommendation alright, he wanted me to go to the ER at a hospital that has a psychiatric ward. He said that I would probably get treatment quicker than waiting for an appt. with a psychiatrist. I didn't really like that idea and told him so in no uncertain terms. I hate hospitals and have to be there enough for my Crohn's disease without going to one for this.
It's funny you suggested me changing my Primary care dr. I have had 2 others tell me that also. Hmmm. One of them was my therapist.

I tried that chatroom the other night and I couldn't keep up with it. There were so many people, I couldn't get a word in and I got too frustrated with it.
How was work today, any better than yesterday? I am blessed to get support on this site from you Eric and I'd like to be able to help you instead of it always being the other way around. I'm still looking for that book you haven't written yet.
Take Care,
Paula